Doing it Wrong
After talking to Heero last night after Tasku tucked me in, I realized there really are a bunch of better ways he could be doing this.
He's doing it too fast for one. He told me on Tuesday he was going to leave, and he's leaving next Sunday. He either thinks doing it fast like a bandaid will hurt less, or he's just plain old running away.
He plans on driving around a lot before he gets to Montana. Even though he's going to Montana because he has no money anymore. So he's going to pay for food, gas, and probably at least a few hotel stays with money he doesn't have.
He wants to pay to get Cinder neutered next week. He also wants to pay to get HIS computer fix, so I can still use it. Again, with money he doesn't have.
His mom is footing the moving bill, and he's asking his dad to help pay off the rest of his bills that piled up. His mom has given him money for rent and stuff before. Heero said something I hadn't thought of. "They shouldn't be bailing him out of his bills, they should be giving him money for college." But I understand that they want him to find his way on his own and not force him to go to college and stuff.
So his plan is drive around BY HIMSELF across the country, eventually getting to Montana. He has no idea how long it's going to take him. And all the while, I'll be worried sick about him being out there on his own. Lets face it, his sense of and ability to correctly follow directions sucks. :/
His plan once he gets to Montana is to get a job at the hospital. Ok, that sounds good. But then he wants to go to California in February for two weeks. For his friends birthday. This is sounding less and less like he wants to figure his life out and more like he wants to go back to being a teenager.
He didn't really think out the whole "moving after just getting CT registration on my car", or the fact that he has to change banks AGAIN after all the trouble he had switching to Bank of America, or the fact that he has a CT drivers license. His plan on that one is "Just keep it until I figure out where I'm going to go to college."
I'm so mad at him. Not for leaving, but for HOW he's leaving. How fast and how poorly thought out it seems.
My stomach had been ok until he told me the date of his departure. Then it went right back to being a big knot. We WERE going to tell my dad, but he was in a bad mood so we're going to tell him today instead. My dad brought home food, and my stomach has shrank so much that where I used to be able to eat two double cheeseburgers and a large fry still with room for more, I could hardly finish just one double cheeseburger and a few nibbles of fries.
I slept pretty shitty again last night. I had him tuck me in around 8:30, because I was really tired. But then I just ended up laying there awake worrying about him. So I called Heero and talked to her for like half an hour. Then I still couldn't sleep, so I just kept laying there. I don't know when I eventually fell asleep, but I got up around 3, then 4, then 6, then 7.
I had a dream. I'm not really sure what it was about, I just remember finding some kind of animal completely stiff and drained of blood, almost mummified on the side of a field in the middle of the night with a bunch of people I don't know. One of them started to worry about all her horses, and then her horses broke out of their corral and ran around us. Someone started throwing knives and stuff at us. We locked ourselves in a house and turned on all the lights because "banshees hate lights". We started making a plan and looked at a map with all these strange symbols on it that I've never seen before.
Moroh called a little after 7 to ask if I really wanted to go to art today. Of course I didn't. I had actually been planning on asking her if it would be ok for me to sleep in her car after lunch instead of going back to class. She said we could skip, and I could come over and we could work on all the art homework we missed. Her mom is skipping school today too, so I said alright. I'd rather go over there and possibly get something productive done and maybe goof around a little to keep my mind off of everything than just sit around at my house and remember stuff. Like how I remembered this morning that all the bras I can still wear were bought for me by him.
When he gets out of work today we have to go to the bank so I can fix my account. Part of me wants to take some money out and buy him something his been wanting for Christmas, another part wants to be a bitch and say "fuck him, he's not going to be here why the hell should I waste money on him."
After that, we have to tell my dad. We can't put it off anymore. I'm afraid of his reaction. I'm afraid that he likes Tasku enough to offer help, which will make me hope again. I'm afraid that he will hate Tasku for putting me through it all, and will start screaming. I'm afraid that he'll try to comfort me and just end up making everything worse.
Tomorrow I'm going to help him pack all his stuff up, and get anything of mine that I might have left over there by accident.
I asked him if he wanted anything he's given me back, he said no. He asked if I wanted anything back, the only thing I've ever really given him was the painting I did of us. For his last birthday and our last anniversary. Our last anniversary which now really is our last.
He's doing it too fast for one. He told me on Tuesday he was going to leave, and he's leaving next Sunday. He either thinks doing it fast like a bandaid will hurt less, or he's just plain old running away.
He plans on driving around a lot before he gets to Montana. Even though he's going to Montana because he has no money anymore. So he's going to pay for food, gas, and probably at least a few hotel stays with money he doesn't have.
He wants to pay to get Cinder neutered next week. He also wants to pay to get HIS computer fix, so I can still use it. Again, with money he doesn't have.
His mom is footing the moving bill, and he's asking his dad to help pay off the rest of his bills that piled up. His mom has given him money for rent and stuff before. Heero said something I hadn't thought of. "They shouldn't be bailing him out of his bills, they should be giving him money for college." But I understand that they want him to find his way on his own and not force him to go to college and stuff.
So his plan is drive around BY HIMSELF across the country, eventually getting to Montana. He has no idea how long it's going to take him. And all the while, I'll be worried sick about him being out there on his own. Lets face it, his sense of and ability to correctly follow directions sucks. :/
His plan once he gets to Montana is to get a job at the hospital. Ok, that sounds good. But then he wants to go to California in February for two weeks. For his friends birthday. This is sounding less and less like he wants to figure his life out and more like he wants to go back to being a teenager.
He didn't really think out the whole "moving after just getting CT registration on my car", or the fact that he has to change banks AGAIN after all the trouble he had switching to Bank of America, or the fact that he has a CT drivers license. His plan on that one is "Just keep it until I figure out where I'm going to go to college."
I'm so mad at him. Not for leaving, but for HOW he's leaving. How fast and how poorly thought out it seems.
My stomach had been ok until he told me the date of his departure. Then it went right back to being a big knot. We WERE going to tell my dad, but he was in a bad mood so we're going to tell him today instead. My dad brought home food, and my stomach has shrank so much that where I used to be able to eat two double cheeseburgers and a large fry still with room for more, I could hardly finish just one double cheeseburger and a few nibbles of fries.
I slept pretty shitty again last night. I had him tuck me in around 8:30, because I was really tired. But then I just ended up laying there awake worrying about him. So I called Heero and talked to her for like half an hour. Then I still couldn't sleep, so I just kept laying there. I don't know when I eventually fell asleep, but I got up around 3, then 4, then 6, then 7.
I had a dream. I'm not really sure what it was about, I just remember finding some kind of animal completely stiff and drained of blood, almost mummified on the side of a field in the middle of the night with a bunch of people I don't know. One of them started to worry about all her horses, and then her horses broke out of their corral and ran around us. Someone started throwing knives and stuff at us. We locked ourselves in a house and turned on all the lights because "banshees hate lights". We started making a plan and looked at a map with all these strange symbols on it that I've never seen before.
Moroh called a little after 7 to ask if I really wanted to go to art today. Of course I didn't. I had actually been planning on asking her if it would be ok for me to sleep in her car after lunch instead of going back to class. She said we could skip, and I could come over and we could work on all the art homework we missed. Her mom is skipping school today too, so I said alright. I'd rather go over there and possibly get something productive done and maybe goof around a little to keep my mind off of everything than just sit around at my house and remember stuff. Like how I remembered this morning that all the bras I can still wear were bought for me by him.
When he gets out of work today we have to go to the bank so I can fix my account. Part of me wants to take some money out and buy him something his been wanting for Christmas, another part wants to be a bitch and say "fuck him, he's not going to be here why the hell should I waste money on him."
After that, we have to tell my dad. We can't put it off anymore. I'm afraid of his reaction. I'm afraid that he likes Tasku enough to offer help, which will make me hope again. I'm afraid that he will hate Tasku for putting me through it all, and will start screaming. I'm afraid that he'll try to comfort me and just end up making everything worse.
Tomorrow I'm going to help him pack all his stuff up, and get anything of mine that I might have left over there by accident.
I asked him if he wanted anything he's given me back, he said no. He asked if I wanted anything back, the only thing I've ever really given him was the painting I did of us. For his last birthday and our last anniversary. Our last anniversary which now really is our last.