Help for anxiety leads to more anxiety.
I haven't slept properly since returning from Holiday (which was fabulous) and have struggled by on about 3 or 4 hours uninterrupted each night. Yesterday I had an appointment with a mental health nurse for a CBT assessment, which left me exhausted, uncomfortable and more than a little anxious.
I've not made it into the office today because I was so tired last night, I didn't get off to sleep until late (one of those perverse scenarios where exhaustion = staying awake) and this morning I found myself utterly ruined. The actual act of getting out of bed felt like the end of a 10km run, which I only managed to do thanks to encouragement from the dogs.
So I'm working from home, because I can at least manage the journey from my bed to the study. But I was sooooo tempted to just lie there.
And I'm anxious, because yesterday's meeting with the mental health nurse left me feeling very vulnerable. I'm expecting a phone call this afternoon where I'll be told what action they may take in the interim period between now and actually starting CBT. The mental health nurse needs to speak to her superior, as she didn't feel qualified to say whether it was safe to leave me without any form of intervention between now and starting CBT. I am decidedly worried that they might ask me to section myself on a voluntary basis, which is a worrying degree of fucked up.
But then I am depressed beyond the rational. I know my life isn't that bad by any stretch of the imagination and yet my mind increasingly wanders down the path of "fuck this shit, lets call it a day." I'm long past the point where I care what it might do to those I leave behind, I just want this painful, horrible, negativity to stop. The nurse asked me how I did stop myself and I honestly didn't have a good answer, beyond the point that my brain simply says "not today." Yet as of late it seems like I am inching closer to that terminal point.
If I'm not depressed, then this all looks bizarre to me. Worryingly so. This may or may not trigger an anxiety attack and these are making me increasingly paranoid, which is worrying in public as I start thinking that I have to get away without drawing attention to myself, while also entertaining very strange thoughts such as grabbing things of shelves in local supermarkets and hurling them at complete strangers whilst screaming "leave me alone." Although the thought of doing this seems oddly cathartic.
I've not made it into the office today because I was so tired last night, I didn't get off to sleep until late (one of those perverse scenarios where exhaustion = staying awake) and this morning I found myself utterly ruined. The actual act of getting out of bed felt like the end of a 10km run, which I only managed to do thanks to encouragement from the dogs.
So I'm working from home, because I can at least manage the journey from my bed to the study. But I was sooooo tempted to just lie there.
And I'm anxious, because yesterday's meeting with the mental health nurse left me feeling very vulnerable. I'm expecting a phone call this afternoon where I'll be told what action they may take in the interim period between now and actually starting CBT. The mental health nurse needs to speak to her superior, as she didn't feel qualified to say whether it was safe to leave me without any form of intervention between now and starting CBT. I am decidedly worried that they might ask me to section myself on a voluntary basis, which is a worrying degree of fucked up.
But then I am depressed beyond the rational. I know my life isn't that bad by any stretch of the imagination and yet my mind increasingly wanders down the path of "fuck this shit, lets call it a day." I'm long past the point where I care what it might do to those I leave behind, I just want this painful, horrible, negativity to stop. The nurse asked me how I did stop myself and I honestly didn't have a good answer, beyond the point that my brain simply says "not today." Yet as of late it seems like I am inching closer to that terminal point.
If I'm not depressed, then this all looks bizarre to me. Worryingly so. This may or may not trigger an anxiety attack and these are making me increasingly paranoid, which is worrying in public as I start thinking that I have to get away without drawing attention to myself, while also entertaining very strange thoughts such as grabbing things of shelves in local supermarkets and hurling them at complete strangers whilst screaming "leave me alone." Although the thought of doing this seems oddly cathartic.