Cracker Boat
Fuck fuck fuck fuck!
I've been having a hard time of it lately, if you've been reading all my emoing you'll know that. If not, well... good for you. I'm not emoing to get attention, I'm just emoing because I'm depressed and this is my journal where I vent about stuff.
In any case, I had this big epiphany today; I'm lonely. It's strange for me even to think about that because I've always been alright by myself, and especially the last few years I've been happier alone (animals not withstanding.)
But right now I'm lonely, and I don't know what to do about it. I don't have anyone. I don't have anyone I can call and just ask to come over. I never realised it before, but I'm very... isolated. I mean, I have my Mom, but she has a life, she can't just drop everything for me. All my contact with other people is via the Net, and while that wouldn't normally be a problem, right now I just...
Jeez. I want a hug, a cuddle, something. I was laying on my bed this afternoon thinking about it (with all three of my cats snuggles up with me, the darlings, they know I'm not happy right now), and how there's no one, and it all just takes me back to what my step-mom told me so many times when I was little.
"You're a fat girl. No one likes fat girls. No one will ever want you."
I try not to think about the time Dad was with her, because of all the shit she said, but over and over in my head I can't help thinking it's true. Fucking true.
So I'm laying on my side in bed staring into space and trying not to cry when Sarah knocks on my door and comes up to tell me that, joy, the fucking sewage lines in our basement have burst; there's raw sewage flooding the whole basement.
I'm on the top floor, so I can't smell it-- yet. We can't use the bathroom, can't use the water at all until it's fixed, and gee! Warren isn't answering his phone so Don can't pay for the plumber to come by and fix everything!
Not that it matters, really. Even when the pipes are fixed, there'll still be shit everywhere, and we can't clean it up. We'll have to have a professional come in to do it, with fucking HASMAT suits and all that stuff. And until Warren gets off his ass and answers the messages to approve it, we can't even do that, since it's thousands of dollars that none of us have!
So, for tonight at least, I'm crashing at Mom's place. I called her just before seven to ask. I was so pissed off and stressed out I practically sobbed it at her.
I don't know what's going on right now. Between this that and the next thing, the house should be goddamn condemned. It's a health danger right now, just being there. At least I had somewhere to go for a night, Sarah and Jane and Robin are still there.
I'm stretched to the limit when it comes to Don, Warren and that place. Fuck them. FUCK THEM. I need out before it kills me or I go insane. Then once I am out, I'm calling the fucking health and safety board.
Anyway, I was bitching (read as: crying) at Mom about the whole thing with where I live, and studdenly she comes out with "you know, you could apply to live here." 'Here' being the co-op where she and Lee currently live.
And as usual, my first response is I can't. I can't afford to live anywhere but where I am, because I only have $340 a month that I can put toward rent, and ODSP isn't willing to allocate me any more money.
But apparently, the co-op here does subsidised rent! =O I can apply, and they will let me pay what I can, and cut the rest. WTF. This is only if there's money for sibsidising, of course, but it's still a chance! I can apply for a one-bedroom apartment and given my circumstances they might go for it!
Especially since my place is currently flooded with sewer runoff. -___-;
I'm not a 100% fan of this place, but anything is better than where I'm living now. I'm going to look into it. Cross your fingers for me!
I've been having a hard time of it lately, if you've been reading all my emoing you'll know that. If not, well... good for you. I'm not emoing to get attention, I'm just emoing because I'm depressed and this is my journal where I vent about stuff.
In any case, I had this big epiphany today; I'm lonely. It's strange for me even to think about that because I've always been alright by myself, and especially the last few years I've been happier alone (animals not withstanding.)
But right now I'm lonely, and I don't know what to do about it. I don't have anyone. I don't have anyone I can call and just ask to come over. I never realised it before, but I'm very... isolated. I mean, I have my Mom, but she has a life, she can't just drop everything for me. All my contact with other people is via the Net, and while that wouldn't normally be a problem, right now I just...
Jeez. I want a hug, a cuddle, something. I was laying on my bed this afternoon thinking about it (with all three of my cats snuggles up with me, the darlings, they know I'm not happy right now), and how there's no one, and it all just takes me back to what my step-mom told me so many times when I was little.
"You're a fat girl. No one likes fat girls. No one will ever want you."
I try not to think about the time Dad was with her, because of all the shit she said, but over and over in my head I can't help thinking it's true. Fucking true.
So I'm laying on my side in bed staring into space and trying not to cry when Sarah knocks on my door and comes up to tell me that, joy, the fucking sewage lines in our basement have burst; there's raw sewage flooding the whole basement.
I'm on the top floor, so I can't smell it-- yet. We can't use the bathroom, can't use the water at all until it's fixed, and gee! Warren isn't answering his phone so Don can't pay for the plumber to come by and fix everything!
Not that it matters, really. Even when the pipes are fixed, there'll still be shit everywhere, and we can't clean it up. We'll have to have a professional come in to do it, with fucking HASMAT suits and all that stuff. And until Warren gets off his ass and answers the messages to approve it, we can't even do that, since it's thousands of dollars that none of us have!
So, for tonight at least, I'm crashing at Mom's place. I called her just before seven to ask. I was so pissed off and stressed out I practically sobbed it at her.
I don't know what's going on right now. Between this that and the next thing, the house should be goddamn condemned. It's a health danger right now, just being there. At least I had somewhere to go for a night, Sarah and Jane and Robin are still there.
I'm stretched to the limit when it comes to Don, Warren and that place. Fuck them. FUCK THEM. I need out before it kills me or I go insane. Then once I am out, I'm calling the fucking health and safety board.
Anyway, I was bitching (read as: crying) at Mom about the whole thing with where I live, and studdenly she comes out with "you know, you could apply to live here." 'Here' being the co-op where she and Lee currently live.
And as usual, my first response is I can't. I can't afford to live anywhere but where I am, because I only have $340 a month that I can put toward rent, and ODSP isn't willing to allocate me any more money.
But apparently, the co-op here does subsidised rent! =O I can apply, and they will let me pay what I can, and cut the rest. WTF. This is only if there's money for sibsidising, of course, but it's still a chance! I can apply for a one-bedroom apartment and given my circumstances they might go for it!
Especially since my place is currently flooded with sewer runoff. -___-;
I'm not a 100% fan of this place, but anything is better than where I'm living now. I'm going to look into it. Cross your fingers for me!