Day 2
He hid everything on facebook from me.
Why go through all that trouble? Hiding all posts and friends and even the photos including fucking profile pictures from me.
He always said fb doesnt matter, always ignored my posts for him, afraid of what others might think or say?
But he didn't change our relationship status, which makes me feel almost hopeful. How silly of me. I wish he'd never change to "single".
Yes I'm a creepy stalker, why am I doing that? Why am I checking? It hurts worse and worse.
But why the hiding?
To spare my feelings? Hardly.
To hide him adding new girls? Yes, likely.
He feels less guilty because I can't see who he is talking to or how many are jumping on him? Probably.
I almost think it would have been easier to take if he just deleted me completely.
Doesn't matter, I feel shitty either way.
Tears will simply not stop falling.
Parents cant help either.
I should be happy for him, he finally found his way in life, and at the same time, took mine from me.
No, I didn't wish him well, I hope he will be horribly miserable. Just because I know he will be completely fine.
One thing keeps replaying in my head over and over, it will probably never stop for the rest of my life:
"I'm looking at somebody else, so yeah, I'm prooobably thinking about somebody else"
It makes me sick, but it sort of keeps me sane, as in "God, is has come to that, how could I have hoped for the future together?"
Worst of all, I don't blame him, who would want to be with me?
I guess they are right after all, you have to love yourself before you can be loved.
I lost my way almost 9 years ago, until I met him almost 8 years ago.
Yes, lots of pain involved, but when we were together, the world made sense, I knew things would be alright, I lost my fear of life when he was around.
He is gone, and soon he will be fucking someone else, ha. They have been lining up for years.
I am sure that none of those bitches will treat him better than me, other than in category drugs.
I love him but I hate him for chosing Frankfort KY, no entertainment value, over me.
I hate him for chosing his family, friends, drugs, shitty work, sexy girls, college fees over me.
Doesnt mean that I dont understand that he chose them over me, I hate it anyway.
He never once really asked me to move to him, all he said was he doesn't blame me for not doing so.
Why am I not moving if I love him so?
I dont really have any friends, and I dont have a big problem leaving my family for him.
I don't want to give up Funghi Land and Tec. We are the biggest exotic mushroom business in Europe. The way is paved and comfortable. For both of us. It would be an easy future with enough money to not worry about paying next month's bills. But what good does it do without him?
Compared to working at walmart or kroger, at the end of the day yelling at each other because we are both angry and tired from work.
But really, if that was the only reason, he would be worth it. I'd be happy catering to him forever. With or without big money.
The real thing I cannot get over if I moved there is, every single time he goes out, I'd think he's smoking weed. All the people around him do it, it's "normal" to do it everyday. He doesnt want to give it up. Of course, no addict would without a real reason. I couldn't stand it. I know exactly that our relationship wouldnt survive that even for a year if I moved there.
I dont really care whether people do that or not, there are plenty of people who function fine. For some it turns into a problem, mental addiction, for some it doesnt.
But every single day? Preferably from waking moment unless there's work?
I hate it when he does it, the way he looks, talks, acts, it's all wrong. I cant even understand half of the things he slurs. That's not the person I know and love.
So you could blame me being alone now on me. Because I "refuse to accept him for what he is". Just make sure you tell everyone which part of you I hate so much, go on, have a laugh.
No he never once said "Come live with me, I will make you happy, I will stop smoking weed, let's start our future together."
That's another reason: he never said he really wants me there.
Yeah, I can already see him laughing at me with his friends and his future women, over a joint, at how pathetic, ignorant, silly I was, telling them what an idiot he was for wasting 8 years on a psycho bitch, who doesnt appreciate fake creativity and contentment induced by a drug.
I always tried my best to keep him happy, did everything for him, the one thing I couldn't stand was the drug. Am I so bad? Probably.
You'd say "it could be worse". No, that was our worst.
Every single situation in life "could be worse".
He will hate me if he reads this, but what does it matter? Either way he doesn't want to be with me.
It hurts so bad, I had to vent.
Yes I'm unreasonable, yes I'm whiny, yes I'm a bitter bitch, sure I'm dramatic.
Hate me, I dont care, I've been a social invalid for years now.
I hate what he did on facebook, makes me wonder what or who he is hiding. It hurts damnit.
I hate that it's over.
Oh how I wish he'd want me the way I want him.
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