(no subject)
I sure hate that I feel like I am doing something wrong when I ask about his next day off,
and when he says he will spend it with me,
I feel like he is doing me a big favor, and I should be grateful.
That is dumb,
it shouldn't be that way, should it?
During the time together I try my best to do things he likes,
keep him entertained,
make sure he does not get bored,
be sweet and nice,
very careful not to upset him.
I always have to ask about the plans,
he hardly ever tells me himself.
When will he get up?
- Making sure I will be home at that time.
Will he spend the day off with me?
- Trying to make parents come another day.
I always ask to make sure he is doing alright,
be it body or mentality.
When he tells me he is upset about something,
I try to be there for him,
say the words to comfort or help.
I stay awake and stare at the phone,
waiting for messages or replies to my words.
I am always there for him if it can be helped,
replying to every single thing he says,
to make sure he knows that I care.
I listen to the stories he might want to tell me,
I listen and absorb and comment as good as I can,
I am interested in (mostly) whatever he has to say,
whatever he is willing to tell me.
Whatever he wants,
whenever he wants,
I try to give it to him.
It often feels very single sided.
Maybe it is because he does not know how to express it,
maybe it is because he does not have much to say to me,
maybe I am just causing too much drama as always in my life.
But it is draining my energy.
This sounds really bad,
but sometimes,
when he says stuff like "I spent my last day off with you" or "I will spend some of my day off with you",
it feels like he is throwing little treats at me,
I should be very happy with what I got,
because "it could be so much worse".
Yes, that does sound real bad,
but I don't mean for it to sound that way.
I'm not saying today was bad,
it was really nice,
the last words just brought all this up,
stuff that has been boiling inside of me.
I know I need something else to focus on...
Last time I said something about a friend asking to study together he got really upset.
And some of the longstanding online-friends I had and talked to a bit lately,
- gone - because it was offending and bugging him.
I don't mind.
I didn't hesitate to ditch them without explaining or saying goodbye,
because Jon is Number One,
before everyone else.
If he felt like it was threatening, offending, bugging him, I toss them.
Anything for him.
I know he is not a bad guy,
he is not doing anything wrong,
it is all me,
I'm the one not doing the right things.
I write because it helps me cope with all the fucked up feelings I tend to get,
not to upset anyone,
not to make anyone believe that I am the oh so poor girl,
not to make him seem bad
- because he isn't.
He really is great~
No, now I think about it,
I don't give him what he wants,
if I did, I would not be asking him to spend time with me,
I am the clinging, restricting one,
who refuses to let the partner breathe.
2, 3, 4 short hours before work,
that's as good as nothing for me,
they fly by,
with hardly more than a "hi" and "i'm sleepy".
No, I do not believe the answer lies in little pills,
the day I am forced to take those,
I might as well ask for some real sleeping pills and go,
Which really doesn't mean much when I say it,
because things are all messed up inside my big head.
I'm tired,
not really sure how I am feeling,
no, not really upset,
I am kind of used to it after all.
I guess I am just looking forward to the next day off, when... next week? on which he might do me the favor and spend it with me~
Oh, did I mention that I hate myself for the way I am yet?
Some moron is gonna say, you have to love yourself first before someone else can love you.
Go rot somewhere.
and when he says he will spend it with me,
I feel like he is doing me a big favor, and I should be grateful.
That is dumb,
it shouldn't be that way, should it?
During the time together I try my best to do things he likes,
keep him entertained,
make sure he does not get bored,
be sweet and nice,
very careful not to upset him.
I always have to ask about the plans,
he hardly ever tells me himself.
When will he get up?
- Making sure I will be home at that time.
Will he spend the day off with me?
- Trying to make parents come another day.
I always ask to make sure he is doing alright,
be it body or mentality.
When he tells me he is upset about something,
I try to be there for him,
say the words to comfort or help.
I stay awake and stare at the phone,
waiting for messages or replies to my words.
I am always there for him if it can be helped,
replying to every single thing he says,
to make sure he knows that I care.
I listen to the stories he might want to tell me,
I listen and absorb and comment as good as I can,
I am interested in (mostly) whatever he has to say,
whatever he is willing to tell me.
Whatever he wants,
whenever he wants,
I try to give it to him.
It often feels very single sided.
Maybe it is because he does not know how to express it,
maybe it is because he does not have much to say to me,
maybe I am just causing too much drama as always in my life.
But it is draining my energy.
This sounds really bad,
but sometimes,
when he says stuff like "I spent my last day off with you" or "I will spend some of my day off with you",
it feels like he is throwing little treats at me,
I should be very happy with what I got,
because "it could be so much worse".
Yes, that does sound real bad,
but I don't mean for it to sound that way.
I'm not saying today was bad,
it was really nice,
the last words just brought all this up,
stuff that has been boiling inside of me.
I know I need something else to focus on...
Last time I said something about a friend asking to study together he got really upset.
And some of the longstanding online-friends I had and talked to a bit lately,
- gone - because it was offending and bugging him.
I don't mind.
I didn't hesitate to ditch them without explaining or saying goodbye,
because Jon is Number One,
before everyone else.
If he felt like it was threatening, offending, bugging him, I toss them.
Anything for him.
I know he is not a bad guy,
he is not doing anything wrong,
it is all me,
I'm the one not doing the right things.
I write because it helps me cope with all the fucked up feelings I tend to get,
not to upset anyone,
not to make anyone believe that I am the oh so poor girl,
not to make him seem bad
- because he isn't.
He really is great~
No, now I think about it,
I don't give him what he wants,
if I did, I would not be asking him to spend time with me,
I am the clinging, restricting one,
who refuses to let the partner breathe.
2, 3, 4 short hours before work,
that's as good as nothing for me,
they fly by,
with hardly more than a "hi" and "i'm sleepy".
No, I do not believe the answer lies in little pills,
the day I am forced to take those,
I might as well ask for some real sleeping pills and go,
Which really doesn't mean much when I say it,
because things are all messed up inside my big head.
I'm tired,
not really sure how I am feeling,
no, not really upset,
I am kind of used to it after all.
I guess I am just looking forward to the next day off, when... next week? on which he might do me the favor and spend it with me~
Oh, did I mention that I hate myself for the way I am yet?
Some moron is gonna say, you have to love yourself first before someone else can love you.
Go rot somewhere.