Fic: All the things we care about (4/4) [Sledge/Snafu, The Pacific]
Title: All the things we care about, part four | The heartbeats we left behind beneath the ocean
Pairing: Sledge/Snafu
Rating: R
Disclaimer: The contents of this story are entirely fictional and they don’t concern the real men from World War II, but the actors. I don’t own anything.
Warnings: Minor spoilers for The Pacific.
A/N: Thanks and credit goes to flwrpwr_vampyre for beta'ing!
Summary: It was still the same, he thought. He was there, at that moment - looking up at Snafu and at the same time just knowing where the entire situation would lead to - only to comply with Snafu’s longing. Out of simple caring, not a deeper feeling. Not love. Not because of a yearning of his own. He kept thinking those lines and repeated them inside his head like a mantra.
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
The heartbeats we left behind beneath the ocean
Sledge POV
On Okinawa, it was the decisions he made while holding people at gunpoint that defined him. And he came out sane, he came out alive. Here, on the last island in the Pacific he would ever set foot upon, the only choices to define him - or rather, to define the course his life would take from that point on - were the moments when he stood behind Snafu, watching the lines of his back, the crook of his neck, watching his familiar silhouette and wondering whether to hug him or not. He could see himself closing his arms around Snafu and pressing a kiss onto his neck. And so many times had he reached out.
But never had he found the courage to go through with it. He was too scared of where that course would bring him.
---
Everything was blurred in the crack of dawn; their movements, their words, the light of the first sunrays that broke free over the edge of the horizon and painted the ocean and the air and their skin in enthralling colors. They were lying on the line where the palm trees were bordered by the white sand of the beach and the sunlight wasn’t yet fully able to chase the darkness of the past night away from around them. That early morning, dawn belonged to them entirely.
Eugene lay on his back, being undressed by Snafu, who hovered over him and surely took his sweet time for it. He inspected every piece of skin he uncovered with a strange devotion, pressed his fingertips to each and every mole and imperfection, then dragging from one to another as to connect them into a pattern which only he could see. Eugene shivered under his touch, but then at the same time he felt utterly relaxed and at ease. Though he couldn’t explain it, there wasn’t anything sexual about the touches. They were merely gentle, or maybe without any feelings at all, just a close observation.
It felt like he was learning everything about Eugene, like he was reading the lines of his body and unraveling what they meant, eagerly translating whatever he found. The tenderness was soothing, calming, but at some point it just became too much and he let out a trembling sigh, the first sound to break their unintended silence. He reached out for Snafu’s head and after a short second of wavering he tangled his fingers in the other’s hair, slowly ruffling it. It was still the same, he thought. He was there, at that moment - looking up at Snafu and at the same time just knowing where the entire situation would lead to - only to comply with Snafu’s longing. Out of simple caring, not a deeper feeling. Not love. Not because of a yearning of his own. He kept thinking those lines and repeated them inside his head like a mantra. It’s not love. Over and over again. It’s not love.
He petted Snafu’s head for a while longer, his thoughts wandering of, until a flash of a memory pulled him back to the present. In an abrupt movement, he swept Snafu off from him and flipped over, reversing their positions and looking down on the other, catching a slightly surprised look in his eyes.
‘There,’ he spoke, lightly touching a finger to the corner of Snafu’s left eye. ‘That time in the tent… I touched you there and you went berserk. Sensitive spot?’
‘Nah, I was just caught up in the moment, I’d say,’ Snafu said, underlining his words with a crooked smile. ‘And my sensitive spots aren’t exactly near my eyes.’
Eugene swept his tongue past his cracked lips. ‘Want me to find them?’
‘How ‘bout I search for yours at the same time and we make it a race?’ Snafu’s breath tingled against Eugene’s cheek and he realized how close they were. Again.
‘That wouldn’t be fair,’ he murmured. ‘With all your observing and touching you’ve got yourself quite the head start.’
‘Yeah, about that observin’… I was about to get to the good parts’ - he nodded towards Sledge’s skivvies, his last remaining clothing - ‘before ya jumped me. Ambition to be on top, boy?’
‘Just felt like going for a change. You do look a lot nicer from this corner.’ Eugene smiled shortly and made to roll over again. ‘But I am well aware of your dominance issues… so have it your way.’
‘Don’t!’ Snafu’s hand darted out faster than he had thought possible and caught his arm, pulling him back, restraining him. Eugene shot him a confused look, noticing how the other had averted his eyes, looking rather embarrassed. Snafu opened his mouth to say something, then closed it again, awkwardly, and bit his lip. Then muttered: ‘You’re fine where you are, Gene.’
It took a second for Eugene to understand what those words meant exactly, what ran beneath them. What it was that Snafu wanted. And when it came to him, he felt arousal tingle awake and form a tight knot in the pit of his stomach. At that he slowly moved his face closer to Snafu’s, wanting to kiss him so bad, but not daring to initiate it. He didn’t need to though, because Snafu understood, probably could tell it from the way Eugene’s breathing had become uneven. Or maybe he just knew Eugene too well altogether and he simply read it in his eyes. He arched up and locked their lips in a soft kiss - softer than the kisses they shared in the cabin and softer than Eugene had ever thought him capable off. He slowly moved his mouth against Snafu’s and parted his lips, not having to ask permission to enter but knowing he was invited right in. He wasn’t experienced with kissing, but Snafu led his tongue with his own - showed him the dance. And at some point, when Snafu pulled away to press a kiss to his jaw line and hotly sighed his name before finding his lips again, Eugene simply forgot that he was supposed to do this with a girl, with a woman, because it all felt just too good to be wrong.
Snafu leant his head back and Eugene followed to prolong the kiss for a couple of seconds, then severing the connection their lips had. His own winded breathing filled his ears, but somewhere in the background he made out the rushing of the waves. Somewhere he discerned the beating of Snafu’s heart.
It’s not love, he thought when he looked the other straight in the eye, catching sight of emotions that should be kept hidden from the world.
‘Your turn,’ Snafu smirked. ‘Undress me.’ The desire in his eyes left Eugene shaken and hesitant, not sure if he was ready for what was about to come. But when he studied Snafu’s features and the tension in his shoulders, he noticed that his dangerous edge was polished soft and he showed uncertainty of his own. Eugene got the feeling that he was seeing a glimpse of the stranger that was “Merriell”. And it gave him the courage and curiosity to go on.
He started to undress Snafu, with trembling fingers and in a way that was a lot less graceful than when he had been undressed himself. In the end he succeeded in removing all off Snafu’s clothes and he let his eyes wander over the other’s naked body. It’s not love. His hands reached for skin without thinking and he carefully caressed the scrawny shoulders, the heaving chest. It’s not love.
Snafu pulled him in by his neck and said hoarsely: ‘Get on with it, Sledgehammer.’
‘You got to be somewhere?’ Eugene lowered himself a little and started to trail kisses everywhere he could reach.
‘It'd be great if we were done here before the others wake up and decide to take a swim.’
‘They’re probably still wasted from yesterday’s party.’ Eugene shrugged. ‘And,’ he added, smiling self-consciously, ‘I’m not going to rush anything.’
In spite of those words, in the end, it all seemed to happen in a rush. Snafu hooked his fingers behind the band of his skivvies and they were thrown into a bush before he could blink. The next moment, the man’s hands found his hips and tugged him closer, making any space between them disappear. Lying skin to skin made the flickering arousal escape from his stomach and spread throughout his body and he could feel himself hardening. He couldn’t keep a groan from being torn from his lips and when Snafu’s entire body twitched at the sound, he threw away all restrain and started to thrust against Snafu’s hips, which got him an immediate reaction that resulted in a whimper and something pressing hard against his thigh.
They started kissing again and though it all felt so good, he got a feeling that it wasn’t enough, that he wanted more. He cut off the kiss, his bottom lip caught between Snafu’s teeth, as if he didn’t want Eugene to stop.
‘Sh-Shelton,’ he said, his voice hitching. ‘I… I don’t…’
Snafu’s hand was wrapped around both of their erections in an instant and Eugene gasped, starting to rock his hips in time with the other’s stroking. He fisted one hand into Snafu’s hair, desperately trying to form rational words. ‘I want… Not just -’
‘For this one time,’ Snafu cut him of, breathless, ‘you shut the fuck up, Eugene.’ With his free hand, he forced the hand in his hair to unclench and guided it by the wrist to his lips, pressing a kiss to the palm. He then opened his mouth and took two fingers inside, caressing them with his tongue. While doing so his eyes never left Eugene's, who was doing his best to not just lose it right at that moment. It wasn’t fair that even with his back pressed into the sand, Snafu still had the upper hand on the situation. It wasn’t fair at all.
His fingers were released, sliding from between the reddened lips, covered in spit. At that point, Eugene had absolutely no idea what he was supposed to do, but Snafu wasn’t going to just leave him to his fate and while he stopped jerking them of, he led Eugene’s hand with the slick fingers between his legs, towards what was probably one of his sensitive spots. Eugene swallowed away the remark.
Understanding what was expected from him, he felt more confident. Confident and nervous like hell. He faltered for a moment, dragging in a trembling breath and pressing a kiss next to Snafu’s left eye. Then he pushed slowly inside.
‘Start with one, will ya,’ Snafu bit out from between his teeth.
Eugene let out a murmured ‘sorry’, then tried again. And before long he had Snafu writhing beneath him, pushing up against his finger and letting out the most vulnerable sounding noises, driving Eugene crazy. By the time he had three fingers inside he apparently had found a spot that triggered something, because Snafu arched up every time he grazed it, until the man urged him to stop.
‘Fuck, oh fuckin’ hell,’ Snafu groaned, when Eugene removed his fingers. ‘You’re a fast learner, virgin.’
Eugene let out a laugh - more a gasp than a laugh, really - and repositioned Snafu’s legs, heaving them up. That’s when the beach and the ocean and the entire war were forgotten. He pushed inside Snafu, trying not to be too fast, but he wanted this far too much to be all careful and patient. A sound broke free from deep down in his throat and the pleasure he felt was far greater than anything else. It felt like dying, he thought, and it felt like being alive - like really living. And at the same time, it was something totally different. But it wasn’t, he told himself for the hundredth time, love.
‘If you’re not going to move,’ Snafu grunted, ‘we're still switching positions.’ There was what sounded like pain in his voice but more than that it was hoarse with craving.
And Eugene moved. It was still all new to him and it should have felt awkward and hesitant, but he learned that touching and more precisely fucking Snafu was the most natural thing in the world to do. He didn’t think it could get any better than this, but then Snafu was past the pain and he was clasping his arms and legs tightly around Eugene and fingernails scraped over his back. Hearing the moans and whimpers and fucks, the only words that filled his head were a continuously repeated Shelton, Shelton, Shelton, simultaneous with his thrusts, until he was afraid that there was no way back. In that moment of slight panic he couldn’t take it anymore, the closeness, the way Snafu bit in his neck when he couldn’t keep from screaming out loud. He abruptly pulled out, turning Snafu over on hands and knees with maybe too much haste.
‘Sorry,’ he mumbled against the skin between the other man’s shoulder blades. He thrust in again and after that it didn’t take long before they both reached their climax, Snafu coming first, tightening around him, and he tried to keep going but couldn't, coming only seconds later. They both collapsed, Eugene half on top of Snafu. For a couple of minutes, they just laid there, trying to catch their breath, their entire bodies covered in sweat and soon after in sand too, given the stickiness.
‘Merriell,’ Eugene whispered carefully after a while, trying the name on his tongue. He felt Snafu shudder and decided to never speak the name again, for it sounded, tasted too intimate. With a sigh he rolled over and after a while Snafu did the same, in the opposite direction.
‘That was… amazing.’ Snafu grinned widely, but the reflection of the smile in his eyes wasn’t by far as bright. ‘I could do with a cigarette now.’
He reached for his vest and searched for the package of cigarettes, throwing an asking glance towards Eugene, who nodded. Snafu took two cigarettes between his lips, lighted them up and passed one to Eugene. They smoked in silence, watching the ocean, watching the rare clouds that tore the sky apart and reflected the light of the sun in a pink color. The last shreds of night had disappeared.
Eugene looked out over the water, counted the waves. The ocean had never seemed cruel to him. It was beautiful and he made a mental note to describe the sunrise and the way the light broke on the water’s surface in his so-called “diary” later on. But he wouldn’t write a word about what had happened during that sunset. That wasn’t needed anyway, for he would remember their every move and touch for the rest of his life. If old age would let him, that was. However, it had to end here. This was a part of war and so it was something he couldn’t bring home with him… His thoughts wavered at that and he just stopped thinking. Seconds passed like hours.
‘Wanna go for a swim?’ Snafu asked after taking a last draw from his cigarette and flicking it away. Eugene watched the movement, watched his hand. Only minutes ago that hand had roamed all over his body, jerked on his hair, pulled him close. The nails had etched the skin of his back and left Shelton’s signature behind.
‘Yeah, why not,’ Eugene answered. If he let his thoughts wander, they’d bring him to places he didn’t want to be. He also finished his cigarette and stood up. Snafu reached for his hands, a playful grin asking to be pulled up. When Eugene had helped him to his feet, Snafu didn’t let go of his hand immediately, but leaned in, invading his personal space in a way only he could do. From behind a smile he pressed a light kiss to the corner of Eugene’s mouth. It was more chaste yet managed to be far more intimate than any kiss they had shared and Eugene felt an indefinable emotion stir. Then Snafu let him go and ran towards the water.
Eugene followed him with his eyes, unconsciously starting to move, in pursuit of the others’ back. It isn’t love, he told himself again, and it was as if the footprints he made towards the ocean engraved those words into the sand. It isn’t.
He stepped into the water and let it wash everything away.
---
On the train home, he often found Snafu staring at him in an absent way, probably not even seeing him. Eugene somehow hated it, so each time he stared back until Snafu’s eyes focused. Then sharply averted.
Meanwhile, the rare conversations they had - the two of them and Burgie - were loaded with the double feeling about the goodbyes that were to come. And indeed, when Burgie stepped from the train, the slight feeling of nausea left Eugene in fear of the moment when they would reach Snafu’s stop.
In the end, that moment passed like a gust of wind. Eugene had fallen asleep and when he woke up, Snafu was gone. He ached with loneliness and spent the rest of the trip in a daze. Still there was a voice in his head that told him that if he had been awake, he would probably have faked being asleep. ‘Cause what had there been left to say between them?
He watched the scenery outside the window without seeing a thing. It was Snafu that had been the first to step from the train, but he knew very well that he had been the one to leave behind.
---
It was only after he broke down in his fathers arms some weeks later that it dawned upon him. He had wanted to break free from the strong embrace, to shove him away. The touch he desired was a hesitant one, unsure and awkward while trying to comfort him. The soothing whispers he wanted to hear echoed through his memories in that very familiar drawl. And there also was a different kind of touch and whisper he longed for. A desperate kind… anxious and forceful and honest. He wanted Snafu - in every way.
A couple of days later, lying on his back and staring up at the most brilliant of skies, he realized how big a mistake he had made. How oblivious he had been. That day, under the blazing stare of the sun, his face was scarred by trails of salty tears - salty as only the Pacific had been. It would be the first and last time he’d ever cry over Merriell Shelton.
Above anything else, he realized now, it had been love.
---
The ocean had never seemed cruel to him, but in his eyes its color had turned into the deep dark red of blood and its waves were the heartbeats they had stolen from all the dead soldiers. Mostly he wished to never see it again. But it also reminded him of comradeship and rare moments of something more. Of that early morning. So occasionally he would miss the ocean.
He would miss him.
Pairing: Sledge/Snafu
Rating: R
Disclaimer: The contents of this story are entirely fictional and they don’t concern the real men from World War II, but the actors. I don’t own anything.
Warnings: Minor spoilers for The Pacific.
A/N: Thanks and credit goes to flwrpwr_vampyre for beta'ing!
Summary: It was still the same, he thought. He was there, at that moment - looking up at Snafu and at the same time just knowing where the entire situation would lead to - only to comply with Snafu’s longing. Out of simple caring, not a deeper feeling. Not love. Not because of a yearning of his own. He kept thinking those lines and repeated them inside his head like a mantra.
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
The heartbeats we left behind beneath the ocean
Sledge POV
On Okinawa, it was the decisions he made while holding people at gunpoint that defined him. And he came out sane, he came out alive. Here, on the last island in the Pacific he would ever set foot upon, the only choices to define him - or rather, to define the course his life would take from that point on - were the moments when he stood behind Snafu, watching the lines of his back, the crook of his neck, watching his familiar silhouette and wondering whether to hug him or not. He could see himself closing his arms around Snafu and pressing a kiss onto his neck. And so many times had he reached out.
But never had he found the courage to go through with it. He was too scared of where that course would bring him.
---
Everything was blurred in the crack of dawn; their movements, their words, the light of the first sunrays that broke free over the edge of the horizon and painted the ocean and the air and their skin in enthralling colors. They were lying on the line where the palm trees were bordered by the white sand of the beach and the sunlight wasn’t yet fully able to chase the darkness of the past night away from around them. That early morning, dawn belonged to them entirely.
Eugene lay on his back, being undressed by Snafu, who hovered over him and surely took his sweet time for it. He inspected every piece of skin he uncovered with a strange devotion, pressed his fingertips to each and every mole and imperfection, then dragging from one to another as to connect them into a pattern which only he could see. Eugene shivered under his touch, but then at the same time he felt utterly relaxed and at ease. Though he couldn’t explain it, there wasn’t anything sexual about the touches. They were merely gentle, or maybe without any feelings at all, just a close observation.
It felt like he was learning everything about Eugene, like he was reading the lines of his body and unraveling what they meant, eagerly translating whatever he found. The tenderness was soothing, calming, but at some point it just became too much and he let out a trembling sigh, the first sound to break their unintended silence. He reached out for Snafu’s head and after a short second of wavering he tangled his fingers in the other’s hair, slowly ruffling it. It was still the same, he thought. He was there, at that moment - looking up at Snafu and at the same time just knowing where the entire situation would lead to - only to comply with Snafu’s longing. Out of simple caring, not a deeper feeling. Not love. Not because of a yearning of his own. He kept thinking those lines and repeated them inside his head like a mantra. It’s not love. Over and over again. It’s not love.
He petted Snafu’s head for a while longer, his thoughts wandering of, until a flash of a memory pulled him back to the present. In an abrupt movement, he swept Snafu off from him and flipped over, reversing their positions and looking down on the other, catching a slightly surprised look in his eyes.
‘There,’ he spoke, lightly touching a finger to the corner of Snafu’s left eye. ‘That time in the tent… I touched you there and you went berserk. Sensitive spot?’
‘Nah, I was just caught up in the moment, I’d say,’ Snafu said, underlining his words with a crooked smile. ‘And my sensitive spots aren’t exactly near my eyes.’
Eugene swept his tongue past his cracked lips. ‘Want me to find them?’
‘How ‘bout I search for yours at the same time and we make it a race?’ Snafu’s breath tingled against Eugene’s cheek and he realized how close they were. Again.
‘That wouldn’t be fair,’ he murmured. ‘With all your observing and touching you’ve got yourself quite the head start.’
‘Yeah, about that observin’… I was about to get to the good parts’ - he nodded towards Sledge’s skivvies, his last remaining clothing - ‘before ya jumped me. Ambition to be on top, boy?’
‘Just felt like going for a change. You do look a lot nicer from this corner.’ Eugene smiled shortly and made to roll over again. ‘But I am well aware of your dominance issues… so have it your way.’
‘Don’t!’ Snafu’s hand darted out faster than he had thought possible and caught his arm, pulling him back, restraining him. Eugene shot him a confused look, noticing how the other had averted his eyes, looking rather embarrassed. Snafu opened his mouth to say something, then closed it again, awkwardly, and bit his lip. Then muttered: ‘You’re fine where you are, Gene.’
It took a second for Eugene to understand what those words meant exactly, what ran beneath them. What it was that Snafu wanted. And when it came to him, he felt arousal tingle awake and form a tight knot in the pit of his stomach. At that he slowly moved his face closer to Snafu’s, wanting to kiss him so bad, but not daring to initiate it. He didn’t need to though, because Snafu understood, probably could tell it from the way Eugene’s breathing had become uneven. Or maybe he just knew Eugene too well altogether and he simply read it in his eyes. He arched up and locked their lips in a soft kiss - softer than the kisses they shared in the cabin and softer than Eugene had ever thought him capable off. He slowly moved his mouth against Snafu’s and parted his lips, not having to ask permission to enter but knowing he was invited right in. He wasn’t experienced with kissing, but Snafu led his tongue with his own - showed him the dance. And at some point, when Snafu pulled away to press a kiss to his jaw line and hotly sighed his name before finding his lips again, Eugene simply forgot that he was supposed to do this with a girl, with a woman, because it all felt just too good to be wrong.
Snafu leant his head back and Eugene followed to prolong the kiss for a couple of seconds, then severing the connection their lips had. His own winded breathing filled his ears, but somewhere in the background he made out the rushing of the waves. Somewhere he discerned the beating of Snafu’s heart.
It’s not love, he thought when he looked the other straight in the eye, catching sight of emotions that should be kept hidden from the world.
‘Your turn,’ Snafu smirked. ‘Undress me.’ The desire in his eyes left Eugene shaken and hesitant, not sure if he was ready for what was about to come. But when he studied Snafu’s features and the tension in his shoulders, he noticed that his dangerous edge was polished soft and he showed uncertainty of his own. Eugene got the feeling that he was seeing a glimpse of the stranger that was “Merriell”. And it gave him the courage and curiosity to go on.
He started to undress Snafu, with trembling fingers and in a way that was a lot less graceful than when he had been undressed himself. In the end he succeeded in removing all off Snafu’s clothes and he let his eyes wander over the other’s naked body. It’s not love. His hands reached for skin without thinking and he carefully caressed the scrawny shoulders, the heaving chest. It’s not love.
Snafu pulled him in by his neck and said hoarsely: ‘Get on with it, Sledgehammer.’
‘You got to be somewhere?’ Eugene lowered himself a little and started to trail kisses everywhere he could reach.
‘It'd be great if we were done here before the others wake up and decide to take a swim.’
‘They’re probably still wasted from yesterday’s party.’ Eugene shrugged. ‘And,’ he added, smiling self-consciously, ‘I’m not going to rush anything.’
In spite of those words, in the end, it all seemed to happen in a rush. Snafu hooked his fingers behind the band of his skivvies and they were thrown into a bush before he could blink. The next moment, the man’s hands found his hips and tugged him closer, making any space between them disappear. Lying skin to skin made the flickering arousal escape from his stomach and spread throughout his body and he could feel himself hardening. He couldn’t keep a groan from being torn from his lips and when Snafu’s entire body twitched at the sound, he threw away all restrain and started to thrust against Snafu’s hips, which got him an immediate reaction that resulted in a whimper and something pressing hard against his thigh.
They started kissing again and though it all felt so good, he got a feeling that it wasn’t enough, that he wanted more. He cut off the kiss, his bottom lip caught between Snafu’s teeth, as if he didn’t want Eugene to stop.
‘Sh-Shelton,’ he said, his voice hitching. ‘I… I don’t…’
Snafu’s hand was wrapped around both of their erections in an instant and Eugene gasped, starting to rock his hips in time with the other’s stroking. He fisted one hand into Snafu’s hair, desperately trying to form rational words. ‘I want… Not just -’
‘For this one time,’ Snafu cut him of, breathless, ‘you shut the fuck up, Eugene.’ With his free hand, he forced the hand in his hair to unclench and guided it by the wrist to his lips, pressing a kiss to the palm. He then opened his mouth and took two fingers inside, caressing them with his tongue. While doing so his eyes never left Eugene's, who was doing his best to not just lose it right at that moment. It wasn’t fair that even with his back pressed into the sand, Snafu still had the upper hand on the situation. It wasn’t fair at all.
His fingers were released, sliding from between the reddened lips, covered in spit. At that point, Eugene had absolutely no idea what he was supposed to do, but Snafu wasn’t going to just leave him to his fate and while he stopped jerking them of, he led Eugene’s hand with the slick fingers between his legs, towards what was probably one of his sensitive spots. Eugene swallowed away the remark.
Understanding what was expected from him, he felt more confident. Confident and nervous like hell. He faltered for a moment, dragging in a trembling breath and pressing a kiss next to Snafu’s left eye. Then he pushed slowly inside.
‘Start with one, will ya,’ Snafu bit out from between his teeth.
Eugene let out a murmured ‘sorry’, then tried again. And before long he had Snafu writhing beneath him, pushing up against his finger and letting out the most vulnerable sounding noises, driving Eugene crazy. By the time he had three fingers inside he apparently had found a spot that triggered something, because Snafu arched up every time he grazed it, until the man urged him to stop.
‘Fuck, oh fuckin’ hell,’ Snafu groaned, when Eugene removed his fingers. ‘You’re a fast learner, virgin.’
Eugene let out a laugh - more a gasp than a laugh, really - and repositioned Snafu’s legs, heaving them up. That’s when the beach and the ocean and the entire war were forgotten. He pushed inside Snafu, trying not to be too fast, but he wanted this far too much to be all careful and patient. A sound broke free from deep down in his throat and the pleasure he felt was far greater than anything else. It felt like dying, he thought, and it felt like being alive - like really living. And at the same time, it was something totally different. But it wasn’t, he told himself for the hundredth time, love.
‘If you’re not going to move,’ Snafu grunted, ‘we're still switching positions.’ There was what sounded like pain in his voice but more than that it was hoarse with craving.
And Eugene moved. It was still all new to him and it should have felt awkward and hesitant, but he learned that touching and more precisely fucking Snafu was the most natural thing in the world to do. He didn’t think it could get any better than this, but then Snafu was past the pain and he was clasping his arms and legs tightly around Eugene and fingernails scraped over his back. Hearing the moans and whimpers and fucks, the only words that filled his head were a continuously repeated Shelton, Shelton, Shelton, simultaneous with his thrusts, until he was afraid that there was no way back. In that moment of slight panic he couldn’t take it anymore, the closeness, the way Snafu bit in his neck when he couldn’t keep from screaming out loud. He abruptly pulled out, turning Snafu over on hands and knees with maybe too much haste.
‘Sorry,’ he mumbled against the skin between the other man’s shoulder blades. He thrust in again and after that it didn’t take long before they both reached their climax, Snafu coming first, tightening around him, and he tried to keep going but couldn't, coming only seconds later. They both collapsed, Eugene half on top of Snafu. For a couple of minutes, they just laid there, trying to catch their breath, their entire bodies covered in sweat and soon after in sand too, given the stickiness.
‘Merriell,’ Eugene whispered carefully after a while, trying the name on his tongue. He felt Snafu shudder and decided to never speak the name again, for it sounded, tasted too intimate. With a sigh he rolled over and after a while Snafu did the same, in the opposite direction.
‘That was… amazing.’ Snafu grinned widely, but the reflection of the smile in his eyes wasn’t by far as bright. ‘I could do with a cigarette now.’
He reached for his vest and searched for the package of cigarettes, throwing an asking glance towards Eugene, who nodded. Snafu took two cigarettes between his lips, lighted them up and passed one to Eugene. They smoked in silence, watching the ocean, watching the rare clouds that tore the sky apart and reflected the light of the sun in a pink color. The last shreds of night had disappeared.
Eugene looked out over the water, counted the waves. The ocean had never seemed cruel to him. It was beautiful and he made a mental note to describe the sunrise and the way the light broke on the water’s surface in his so-called “diary” later on. But he wouldn’t write a word about what had happened during that sunset. That wasn’t needed anyway, for he would remember their every move and touch for the rest of his life. If old age would let him, that was. However, it had to end here. This was a part of war and so it was something he couldn’t bring home with him… His thoughts wavered at that and he just stopped thinking. Seconds passed like hours.
‘Wanna go for a swim?’ Snafu asked after taking a last draw from his cigarette and flicking it away. Eugene watched the movement, watched his hand. Only minutes ago that hand had roamed all over his body, jerked on his hair, pulled him close. The nails had etched the skin of his back and left Shelton’s signature behind.
‘Yeah, why not,’ Eugene answered. If he let his thoughts wander, they’d bring him to places he didn’t want to be. He also finished his cigarette and stood up. Snafu reached for his hands, a playful grin asking to be pulled up. When Eugene had helped him to his feet, Snafu didn’t let go of his hand immediately, but leaned in, invading his personal space in a way only he could do. From behind a smile he pressed a light kiss to the corner of Eugene’s mouth. It was more chaste yet managed to be far more intimate than any kiss they had shared and Eugene felt an indefinable emotion stir. Then Snafu let him go and ran towards the water.
Eugene followed him with his eyes, unconsciously starting to move, in pursuit of the others’ back. It isn’t love, he told himself again, and it was as if the footprints he made towards the ocean engraved those words into the sand. It isn’t.
He stepped into the water and let it wash everything away.
---
On the train home, he often found Snafu staring at him in an absent way, probably not even seeing him. Eugene somehow hated it, so each time he stared back until Snafu’s eyes focused. Then sharply averted.
Meanwhile, the rare conversations they had - the two of them and Burgie - were loaded with the double feeling about the goodbyes that were to come. And indeed, when Burgie stepped from the train, the slight feeling of nausea left Eugene in fear of the moment when they would reach Snafu’s stop.
In the end, that moment passed like a gust of wind. Eugene had fallen asleep and when he woke up, Snafu was gone. He ached with loneliness and spent the rest of the trip in a daze. Still there was a voice in his head that told him that if he had been awake, he would probably have faked being asleep. ‘Cause what had there been left to say between them?
He watched the scenery outside the window without seeing a thing. It was Snafu that had been the first to step from the train, but he knew very well that he had been the one to leave behind.
---
It was only after he broke down in his fathers arms some weeks later that it dawned upon him. He had wanted to break free from the strong embrace, to shove him away. The touch he desired was a hesitant one, unsure and awkward while trying to comfort him. The soothing whispers he wanted to hear echoed through his memories in that very familiar drawl. And there also was a different kind of touch and whisper he longed for. A desperate kind… anxious and forceful and honest. He wanted Snafu - in every way.
A couple of days later, lying on his back and staring up at the most brilliant of skies, he realized how big a mistake he had made. How oblivious he had been. That day, under the blazing stare of the sun, his face was scarred by trails of salty tears - salty as only the Pacific had been. It would be the first and last time he’d ever cry over Merriell Shelton.
Above anything else, he realized now, it had been love.
---
The ocean had never seemed cruel to him, but in his eyes its color had turned into the deep dark red of blood and its waves were the heartbeats they had stolen from all the dead soldiers. Mostly he wished to never see it again. But it also reminded him of comradeship and rare moments of something more. Of that early morning. So occasionally he would miss the ocean.
He would miss him.