#352: You’re the only prayer I need to make me feel blessed: Part Two
Something changes after that, as if Sehun feels like he’s been given permission to get even closer to Lu Han.
It starts out small, with him doing little things like helping Lu Han grab a towel after a physical training session, or making coffee for him in the morning.
Lu Han doesn’t notice it at first, until Sehun starts waiting for Lu Han to go back together, even after they get split into M and K and their practice timings are no longer always the same. He starts to pick up some Chinese and if Lu Han doesn’t have the time, he would bug Yixing or Yifan to help him. He transitions to calling Lu Han “Lu-ge” when he learns the Mandarin equivalent of “hyung”. When they’re apart, Sehun would text him non-stop in a charming mix of Korean and romanised Chinese until Lu Han has to wonder if he’s even getting any work done at the company.
Sehun also graduates from casual touches on the shoulder to a hand resting on the small of Lu Han’s back. What used to be a friendly hand on Lu Han’s knee is now a warm palm high up on Lu Han’s thigh when they’re sitting together watching TV.
Lu Han is touchy by nature, and he starts to reciprocate. Too often, he finds himself buying clothes for Sehun simply because he thinks they suit him, or dragging him to the M van so they can carry on the conversation they were having. When he discovers that Sehun is really ticklish under his chin, what starts out as a joke to tease Sehun quickly becomes a thing between them when Lu Han realises he doesn’t let anyone but Lu Han touch his chin.
When Lu Han is being honest with himself, he thinks about what they have. He loves every single member in the group, the dynamics that they share when they’re altogether, and he’s looking forward to see what they’ll achieve after debut. Yet he knows Sehun is special to him. They gravitate towards each other and there’s something peculiar about their friendship that he can’t name.
A nagging voice at the back of his head sometimes tells him he shouldn’t be encouraging Sehun, but in time, he realises Sehun has become so important to him that it’s no longer a choice between confirming his soulmate’s identity and chasing a dream. It’s a matter of potentially losing a close and irreplaceable friend.
The weight of the words on his wrist are a burden. He feels like the chance to bring it up and put it behind them has been lost. Instead Lu Han keeps his knowledge to himself, hides it behind a frenzied schedule of work and preparation, deciding that he’ll deal with it when the time comes that it can no longer be ignored.
Ultimately, Lu Han thinks, it’s no big deal if this is what having a soulmate is all about - companionship, comfort, affection. They already have that bond between them and it doesn’t need to be clouded by taboos and titles.
The kicker comes when they all move into a new apartment and despite the assigned rooms, Sehun manages to wheedle Minseok into switching rooms with him so he can room with Lu Han.
Lu Han watches in amusement as Sehun comes and dumps his stuff on one of the beds and tells Minseok that he’s better off just rooming with Junmyeon because if not, he’s going to have to deal with Sehun in his room almost 24/7 anyway, talking late into the night even when Minseok is trying to sleep.
Lu Han watches Minseok weigh the pros and cons in his mind and he can see the exact moment Sehun’s argument sinks in. Minseok sighs as he grabs some of his stuff and says, “alright, you win. But you’re going to have to help me bring my things to your room.”
Sehun crows in triumph and grabs Minseok in a bear hug. “That would be your room now, hyung, not mine. Let’s go!”
He picks up two of Minseok’s bags and lugs them towards the corridor, yelling, “be back soon, Lu-ge!”
Lu Han laughs to himself and starts to shovel clothes into the wardrobe when he realises Yixing is standing in the doorway.
“Hey,” he says. “What’s up? All settled in already?”
Yixing comes in and closes the door. He looks like he doesn’t really want to be here, and Lu Han immediately feels a jolt of apprehension. All the same, Yixing takes a deep breath and says, “Are you sure that’s wise, Lu Han?”
Lu Han doesn’t insult Yixing by trying to pretend that he has no idea what he’s is talking about.
He turns to face Yixing and says, “It’s fine. Sehun knows not to expect anything.”
Yixing doesn’t say anything, just considers him like he doesn’t know what else to say.
Lu Han scrubs his face in frustration. “We’re friends, Yixing. Just friends. I like his company, he likes mine. We know we can’t ever be anything more than friends. Is that good enough for you?”
“I just don’t want you guys to be hurt. Look, you’re one of my best friends, Lu Han.” Yixing pleads. “Debut is coming up really soon and I don’t want anything to hurt your chances of having it go smoothly.”
Lu Han feels bad at once. He knows Yixing is just concerned about him, and rightly so. He wishes he could come clean to everyone now and lift this secret from his shoulders, but they’ve come too far and worked too hard to get here, on the cusp of debut, for him to ruin it for everyone.
“You’re right. I’m sorry,” he says. “I’ll be careful, and I’ll make sure to keep Sehun in line too.”
Yixing nods and is about to hug Lu Han when Sehun bursts back into the room
“Oh! You’re here, hyung.”
“Yes, just checking that you’re not bullying Lu Han into giving you the bigger bed,” Yixing teases.
Sehun makes a face at Yixing. “I would never. I’m the best to Lu-ge! Come help me bring the rest of Minseok-hyung’s bags to his room please?”
Yixing allows himself to get dragged out again and Lu Han is left to deal with his own thoughts.
Lu Han makes good on his word and while he still spend lots of time together with Sehun, he is careful to make sure it’s not usually alone.
He doesn’t want to hurt Sehun, although he’s not sure how he can possibly distance himself without doing so, but he tries to be as subtle as possible. He lets Sehun cling to him as he always does, but when he finds the chance, he would slip out from under Sehun’s arm comfortably slung around his neck, and he stops sliding his hand into Sehun’s jacket pocket when they walk together.
Lu Han thinks he’s doing a pretty good job at not being obvious, until Sehun corners him in their room one night.
He doesn’t beat about the bush and asks, straight out, “Lu-ge, why are you avoiding me?”
Lu Han licks his lips and thinks that he probably should’ve have the foresight to think up some excuses beforehand.
“I’m not avoiding you,” is all he replies instead.
“Don’t lie to me, please! I can tell when you’re not telling the truth. You always bite your lip and look to the right.”
As Lu Han is currently biting his lip and looking to the right, he has nothing to say.
Sehun continues, “I’ve watched you for so long, ge. I know you. What did I do to make you avoid me? Or did one of the hyungs talk to you?”
Sehun’s guess is so accurate that Lu Han doesn’t see much point in denying it any longer, so he says, “it’s really nothing. You didn’t do anything wrong. But since you ask, yes, people have been talking-”
“Who has? What is it to them? We haven’t done anything bad!” Sehun interrupts.
Lu Han sits on the bed so he doesn’t have to face Sehun, all nervous energy and young, eager indignance.
“Sehun-ah,” he says, “someone just brought it up to me that maybe it won’t look good if we’re too close. You never know what the managers might say or report. While not everyone knows what is or isn’t on my wrist, lots of people know what’s on yours and they can, and will, make assumptions.”
Sehun continues to pace the room and Lu Han watches him in silence.
“It’s not fair.” He finally says softly. “Why can’t we just love who want to love? Why are there restrictions, and destinies, and soulmate words? Who is to say that I won’t find someone to love who may not be my soulmate? What happens then?”
He turns to Lu Han in mute appeal, and Lu Han is shocked to see Sehun’s eyes are shiny with tears. He can’t bear to see Sehun so upset and holds his hands out to him for comfort.
Sehun hesitates at first, but as Lu Han continues to offer his hands, he finally goes over and tugs Lu Han up into a standing position.
Lu Han is suddenly enveloped in the smell of warm, soft Sehun - his freshly-washed hair, the hint of powder and something just quintessentially Sehun - as he is pulled into a fierce hug.
Sehun holds him tight and buries his face in Lu Han’s neck. Lu Han can feel a few hot tears drip down into his shirt collar as he rubs soothing circles up and down Sehun’s back.
“Hey,” he says. “Shhh, it’s okay. It’s not the end of the world. We can figure something out.”
Sehun pulls away to wipe his tears and gives Lu Han a weak smile. It seems like the most natural thing in the world for him, then, to lean down and kiss him.
Lu Han sees it coming but doesn’t try to do anything to avoid it. It just feels right, and in that moment, all the rational reasons for keeping Sehun at a distance fall away and he moves to meet Sehun halfway.
The moment their lips touch, it’s both electric and comforting, and he wonders if Sehun feels the same way too. It’s equal to what he experienced when he first met Sehun, like he’s come home, and he’s right where he belongs. Lu Han thinks he could go on forever just like this.
Sehun is shy at first, but when Lu Han doesn’t push him away and instead brings his arms up around Sehun’s neck, he gets bolder and cups a hand to Lu Han’s jaw to draw him closer. They go on kissing like that, sweetly and gently, until Lu Han gets frustrated and starts nibbling on Sehun’s lower lip so that he opens up and Lu Han can lick into his mouth, teasing.
Sehun rears back like he’s stung when Lu Han’s tongue connects with his, and then he’s pushing Lu Han down onto the bed, kissing him deeply, sucking on his tongue and making desperate, breathless sounds as Lu Han kisses back.
Just kissing Sehun alone is so amazing, Lu Han can’t wait to touch him. He unwraps a hand from Sehun’s neck and glides it under his shirt, skimming lightly over the hint of muscle at his abdomen and continuing up to his chest until he finds a nipple. Sehun groans as Lu Han tweaks his nipple and disengages himself again.
He’s straddling Lu Han and Lu Han can feel himself half-hard against Sehun when he sits up. Sehun brushes the back of his hand against his eyes and says, barely gasping out the words, “Lu Han. Hyung. Tell me now if you want to stop, because I couldn’t bear it if you pushed me away halfway.”
Lu Han can’t help himself, he lifts his hips and rocks against Sehun’s ass, once, twice, as an answer. “Yes,” he says, “Sehun, come on.”
He sits up and dislodges Sehun so he can undress, nudging Sehun to do the same. He’s gratified when Sehun doesn’t move but just stares in wonder as he pulls off his shirt and shucks his sweatpants, taking off his boxers along with them.
He looks for so long that Lu Han has to give Sehun a little kick before he’s galvanised into action, shimmying out of his clothes in record time and then it’s Lu Han’s turn to stare.
Sehun’s body is, for lack of a better word, beautiful. He’s still young, but Lu Han can tell he’s only going to grow even taller and bulk up. They see each other every day, what with the need to share bath times and bedrooms, but it’s different seeing Sehun in this light. Lu Han drinks it all in, from his broad shoulders and the lightly-defined lines of his pectorals down to well-muscled thighs and his-. Well, Lu Han thinks. Sehun is everywhere in proportion.
When he finally looks back at Sehun’s face, he’s smirking and Lu Han would hit him if it were not so urgent to kiss him again instead. He leans back, pulling Sehun along with him so they can make out against the pillows. He lets Sehun run his hands all over his stomach and his chest and his arms, his body lighting up at Sehun’s touch.
Lu Han isn’t happy to leave the touching to Sehun alone. He walks his fingers down Sehun’s spine to grab a handful of Sehun’s ass and squeezes, making Sehun arch like a cat into his touch, butt high in the air and his face pressed against Sehun’s chest. Lu Han continues kneading until he feels a hot, wet tongue swipe up his breastbone and looks down to see Sehun grinning up at him.
“You keep that up and this is going to be over too soon, Lu-ge” Sehun says, and starts leaving open-mouthed suckling kisses across his chest until he reaches Lu Han’s right nipple and sucks hard.
Lu Han is fully hard by now and judging by whatever is nudging his thigh insistently, so is Sehun. He wraps his legs around Sehun’s waist and pushes up against him, urging him upwards so that Sehun is pressing him back against the sheets. It’s like they fit perfectly, and they belong together, and in the intoxicating headiness of their physical contact, he feels a deep-seated need to tell Sehun the truth about his words.
Lu Han’s words are muffled by Sehun kissing him again, sliding his tongue, wet and slippery, into his mouth, as he wraps a warm, callused hand around Lu Han’s cock. Lu Han jerks his hips and lets Sehun tug on his cock a few times before he sits up and starts jacking Sehun off too.
Sehun comes like that, his legs tangled up with Lu Han’s, Lu Han working his cock in his fist and mouthing against the soft skin on his neck. He falls forward and rests his forehead on Lu Han’s shoulder as he shivers through his orgasm, all the while babbling, “I love you, Lu Han, I love you.” Lu Han rubs out the last of Sehun’s come and gently pushes him back down on the bed, Sehun in a daze of bliss and contentment. He pushes himself up on knees and leans over Sehun, the come on his hand mixing with the pre-come on his own cock as he jerks himself off, all the while locking eyes with Sehun until he finally comes on his chest.
Lu Han drops to the bed, half on top of Sehun, and just lies there for a while, breathing in sync with Sehun. Eventually, he gets up to wipe his hand on Sehun’s shirt and uses it to mop up the mess on Sehun and himself too. He’s quiet just as Sehun is quiet, thinking through how mind-blowing a quick handjob can be with the right person.
Lu Han has fooled around with a few girls and one guy since coming to Korea, but nothing can come close to what he’s just had with Sehun. He’s not sure that he’s supposed to feel like he’s just been flying and he thinks he may have blacked out with pleasure for half a second when he came, all this just from sex with Oh Sehun.
He sighs and snuggles up to Sehun, whose eyelids are already drooping, and as he lets sleep claim him, he hears Sehun say again, “Lu Han, I love you.”
Lu Han wakes a short while later to a contented feeling of warmth, and he lets himself drowse next to Sehun, the weight of Sehun’s arm sprawled across his chest comforting and just right.
When he eventually wakes fully, he watches Sehun sleep. He knows a fond smile is tugging on the corner of his lips.
“Ya, Oh Sehun,” he says. “Don’t you dare slobber on my bed, you little punk. You know I don’t let just anyone on my bed, so you’d better not let any drool touch my pillow.”
Sehun opens his eyes and stretches.
“Really?” He says. “I think after what we just did, you should be a lot more worried than just saliva, Lu-ge.”
Lu Han screams in mock horror and tackles him, but he’s quickly flipped over and Sehun has him pinned to the bed, one hand easily holding both of Lu Han’s wrists above his head.
He leans in for a kiss and Lu Han responds eagerly. They’re about to embark on round two, when Sehun starts to play with the combination lock on his wrist guard and at the same time, Jongdae knocks on the door of their room and shouts, “Lu Han, Sehun? You guys in there? Wanna head out for supper?”
The gravity of what he’s just done comes crashing down around Lu Han. He rips his hands from Sehun’s hold and stands quickly, searching for his shirt.
Sehun gets up after him quickly, saying, “Wait- Lu-ge, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have touched your wrist guard. I didn’t mean anything!”
Lu Han shakes his head. “It’s not your fault,” he whispers, suddenly drained and tired. “I shouldn’t have encouraged you. You know we can’t.”
Sehun looks stricken, his face a mask of devastation. But he nods sadly in agreement. “I knew you didn’t want to start anything that may affect our careers and I knew you wouldn’t want to fool around with someone who isn’t your soulmate. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have started something knowing that it won’t - can’t - last.”
Lu Han doesn’t respond but Sehun stands there for a few moments, looking at him pleadingly, like he’s still hoping that Lu Han might change his mind and say, no, it’s okay, let’s do this together.
When several heartbeats pass and it’s clear that Lu Han isn’t going to say anything else, he grabs a new shirt from the cupboard and dresses as quickly as he undressed, then quietly slips out of the room.
Lu Han is left alone in a whirl of self-recrimination. He knows he should have stopped - as the older one, as the one that Yixing spoke to, as the one who cares the most about not hurting Sehun - he should have been more responsible and he feels his eyes start to prickle as he fights tears of anger. So much for “I’ll be careful”, he thinks.
Lu Han wakes the next day to the sound of Minseok coming into the room, awkwardly shuffling from leg to leg.
“Sehun says that he thinks it’s better if we switch back to our original rooming,” he says in a rush of words.
Lu Han winces and presses his palms into his eyes to ease the throbbing, trying to think up a suitable reason for why Sehun would suggest such a thing.
“Hey,” Minseok says. “It’s okay. He didn’t tell me what happened, but he didn’t seem angry or anything. It just sounded like he thought we’d focus better this way, especially since our schedules hardly overlap anymore.”
Lu Han nods and croaks out, “sure. Need any help moving back in?” He hopes Minseok will assume his voice is thick with sleep, and not anything else. Like crying, maybe.
“Nah, it’s alright. I got this,” Minseok answers, and goes out to grab his stuff.
If any of the other members notice anything out of the ordinary, or think it’s weird that Sehun is no longer stuck to Lu Han’s side like a barnacle, they don’t say very much about it. Lu Han is grateful for Yixing who knows something must have happened, but he doesn’t press him and helps him field most of the questions instead.
Debut is almost upon them, and their schedules are packed with practice, teaser filming, photoshoots, lessons on how to interview well - the list is neverending. He hardly talks to Sehun, hardly has to with how busy they are, but he tries to act as normally as possible with him when they are together.
It’s hard because Sehun wears his heart on his sleeve, the same as when he burst into the practice room where they first met more than a year ago, and Lu Han wants to apologise every time he meets Sehun’s sad eyes. He wants to say, let’s go back to before, but he knows it’s not possible to forget every touch and kiss and “I love you”, so he says nothing.
Lu Han has no time to dwell on how much he misses Sehun’s constant presence like a phantom limb, or think about how badly he’s messed up, until he’s confronted with the issue head on in the form of a new Chinese trainee who joins the company.
Her name is Wang Lu, and he meets her a week after she officially starts. When he introduces himself, she lights up and says, in pleasantly accented Korean, “Oh! Lu Han-sunbaenim! I’ve heard so much about you from Sehun-sunbaenim. It’s very nice to finally meet you.”
Lu Han is confused. Why would Sehun be talking to a new trainee about him when they’re still not really on talking terms?
He suddenly thinks to ask, “How do you write the Lu in your name?” When she tells him that it’s the character for deer, the same as his, Lu Han feels his whole body suddenly grow cold and his skin turn to goose flesh.
Over the next couple of weeks, he’s treated to the sight of Sehun hanging out with Wang Lu any bit of free time they have on their schedule. Lu Han has never felt so frustrated in his life. He knows he has no right to say anything, not him, the one who’s lied to Sehun all along, and is lying still, about his words, but at the same time, he wants to accost Sehun and tell him he’s barking up the wrong tree.
He knows it can’t be right, because her name is Wang Lu, and the scar that crosses Sehun’s wrist blurs out the character after the “Lu”, not before, but he worries anyway.
His worry grows when he overhears Sehun saying to Jongin, “I don’t even know why you’re asking me this question. You know what my type is and how that ended.”
“What,” says Jongin. “You mean big-eyed, too pretty to live, and Chinese?”
Sehun responds, dryly, “That’s right, my type.”
“Maybe it’ll work out if you try again?”
That’s when Lu Han realises he doesn’t really want to hear Sehun gush about his new potential soulmate and clears his throat to make his presence known.
The two fall apart and Jongin shoots him a sheepish look, like he knows he’s been caught talking about Lu Han, but the other members start streaming in and no one says anything about it again.
When they finally get teaser assignments, Lu Han finds that he’s supposed to film a cross country journey with Sehun, which will eventually be included in one of their music videos. It involves a six-hour car ride outside of Seoul and Lu Han dreads having to spend such a long time with Sehun, and no other members. He’s not sure that the manager driving is going to be much help in breaking the awkward silence that is sure to blanket the entire trip.
On the day of filming, Lu Han reaches the van first, and climbs in to wait for Sehun nervously. He thinks sadly how far they’ve fallen, where in the past, a trip with the two of them would be one to look forward to, full of laughter and good memories, but now, it’s only fills Lu Han with apprehension. Worst of all, he only has himself to blame for this situation.
He looks up when the door opens and Sehun clambers in. Lu Han smiles and says hi, and Sehun smiles back. It’s a smile Lu Han remembers well, tiny hint of his canines showing, and he thinks maybe it won’t be so bad after all. Yet, Sehun doesn’t take out his earphones and when the car starts up, he pulls his hoodie up so it shadows his face and settles down to sleep.
They spend the entire ride in silence and things don’t get better when filming starts. Lu Han is tired and awkward, and they keep having to do retakes because he’s making mistakes or not giving the producer what he wants.
Sehun isn’t much better. He gets called out twice for zoning out and not hearing the staff’s instructions. They are so unnatural together that eventually one of the managers calls a halt to filming and takes them aside to give them half an hour alone to work out whatever it is that is obviously bugging them. He warns them that they better get their act together because they can’t afford to have to drive all the way out again for another day of filming.
Lu Han doesn’t really know what to do once the manager leaves them alone. He and Sehun have not even acknowledged that they’ve been distant with each other, how is he supposed to resolve whatever is between them?
Just like the way a kid picks at a scab that isn’t completely dry yet, Lu Han chooses the one topic that he knows is definitely not going to improve things but can’t resist it anyway.
“You’ve been really close to Wang Lu lately, huh?” He asks.
Sehun looks up from where he is inspecting his nails, and says, “Mmm. She’s really sweet and easy to talk to.”
Something akin to rage, red hot and fiery, surges through him, and he says maliciously, “You should be careful with how much time you spend with her. You know how vicious some of the other trainees can be. You may be exposing her to a lot of unnecessary gossip and giving her hope that she shouldn’t have.”
He’s as shocked as Sehun is the moment the words leave his mouth.
Sehun is staring at him, incredulous, and he says, his voice growing louder with mounting anger, “Are you even for real, Lu Han? You’re telling me about unnecessary gossip and false hopes?”
Lu Han blanches. He doesn’t know why he said that, all he knows is that he couldn’t bear hearing Sehun speak fondly about someone else. It was like something elemental had kicked in and stirred a possessive streak in him.
He tries again, calmer, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said it like that. It’s just that she’s not for you, Sehun-ah. She’s not the one. I know you’re drawn to her because of the words on your wrist, but she’s not your soulmate.”
Sehun, if anything, gets even angrier.
“How do you know?” He’s almost shouting and Lu Han hopes no one is standing outside to overhear them.
“How do you know I won’t find happiness with her? How dare you tell me who’s for me and who isn’t when you know that all I ever wanted was you! It’s so tiring to be with you, Lu Han. Always wanting you but never being able to have you.
“Well, maybe she’s my soulmate, and maybe I’ll learn to be happy with her, and I can finally stop chasing an unattainable goal.”
Sehun’s shouting rings in the tiny confines of the room, and then all is quiet, the only sounds coming from Sehun breathing heavily, almost panting with fury. All the noise of the world seems to well up in Lu Han’s head in the silence and then he’s shouting, too, the words spewing out of his mouth like an uncontrollable force.
“Because you are mine. You are mine and I am yours, and no one, no one is going to come between us!”
Then he’s fumbling with the lock on his wrist guard, spinning the numbers to get the correct combination, and shoving aside his wrist guard to expose it to Sehun.
“Look at it, Sehun, there is your name. I was scared, and I was stupid, so stupid, but put together the characters and make a smart guess, and that is your name. Your name, written on my wrist, and it will never ever go away just like my name on your wrist will never go away. You’re mine, Oh Sehun.”
Sehun stops and looks at him in bafflement, wonder dawning on his face as he looks from the words on Lu Han’s wrist to his face and back to his wrist again. He steps forward and takes Lu Han’s arm, cradling it like it’s a precious thing, and presses his lips to the words.
He still hasn’t said anything, but just traces the black characters with a finger, filling in the broken spaces left by the scar and finally, saying, “Oh. Se. Hun.”
“That’s my name, Lu-ge. That’s my name on your wrist,” he says, his voice hushed with awe.
Sehun takes off his own wrist guard and places his arm next to Lu Han’s. Lu Han looks at the words properly for the first time. It’s his own handwriting, his surname in black indelible ink on Sehun’s wrist.
He writes the Chinese character for “Han” in the space where it should be on Sehun’s wrist, drawing on top of the scar tissue. “And that’s my name,” he says, “on your wrist.”
Sehun looks at Lu Han again, his face breaking into that familiar, huge genuine smile that Lu Han hasn’t seen in ages. He reaches for Lu Han and pulls him into a long, tight hug, and Lu Han sinks into it in relief, the weight of his secret finally lifted.
When Sehun eventually lets go, he asks, hurt colouring his voice slightly, “But why couldn’t you tell me this earlier? Why did we have to go through so much pain first?”
Lu Han flushes and reaches to fiddle with his wrist guard, but remembers that he’s taken it off.
Haltingly, he starts to tell Sehun about his childhood and the late development of his words, which even then, came out funny.
Lu Han is afraid that Sehun would get angry again and he’s relieved that, instead, Sehun’s eyes are filled with compassion when he hears about Lu Han’s parents, their strictures, both spoken and unspoken, and their expectation of his failure.
When he recounts what Yixing told him about soulmate trainees being dropped, Sehun catches his hand and laces their fingers together.
“I thought it would be better not to tell you.” Lu Han says. “I didn’t want to destroy my chance of debuting. Not just mine, but yours too, and possibly the rest of the members. So then I thought we could just be friends, and maybe one day, I could tell you the truth and we could have it all. Our careers, and each other.”
He pauses for a moment and looks at Sehun, searching his eyes for any judgement, but there’s none.
“I didn’t expect it to be so hard. You were so charming and easy-going and I loved being with you. It came to a point that I thought it didn’t matter if you knew the truth, because we were just as close as soulmates should be. I just didn’t expect to fall in love.”
Lu Han lets go of Sehun’s hand and covers his face.
“I’m so sorry, Sehun. I’m so sorry we’ve wasted so much time that we could have spent together.”
Sehun shushes him and reaches for him again. He drops a kiss on Lu Han’s forehead, on each of his eyelids, his nose, and finally his lips. They kiss like that for a while, the touch meant more to comfort than to arouse.
As Lu Han lets himself rest in Sehun’s embrace, revelling in a happiness that is no longer tainted by guilt, he allows Sehun to touch him all over, as if he needs to make sure that Lu Han is really there in his arms. He pat Lu Han’s cheeks and runs his hands up and down his spine, and Lu Han submits happily, absently thinking about how everything has changed so quickly, and worrying about how to break the news to the group.
Eventually, Lu Han realises that Sehun’s hands are wandering with intent when he slides both hands inside the back of Lu Han’s jeans and pulls him flush against his front.
He bats Sehun away, pretending to be shocked and says, scandalised, “There are people outside! What are you doing!”
Sehun just grins. “I think it’s pretty obvious.”
He relents when Lu Han rolls his eyes at him and says, “Not now, Sehun. We’ve got to think of what we’re going to say.”
“It’s alright. We’ve got each other,” Sehun says and squeezes his shoulder for emphasis. “Let’s just take one day at a time. I’m sure your parents will eventually realise what a wonderful son-in-law they’ll be gaining.”
Lu Han hums in agreement, although he’s not so sure about that, but he’s more concerned with the immediate situation.
“No, silly. I meant, what do we do about the members. Should we tell them?”
“Oh, them.” Sehun says dismissively, as if it’s no big deal. “To be honest, Yixing-hyung’s told me before that he hopes we end up being each other’s soulmates, anyway. He thinks that having no words doesn’t mean you don’t have a soulmate, it just means that you can choose one. I guess that doesn’t matter now.”
A laugh is startled out of Lu Han. “What! He said that?”
“Yup, he said we’re even better at playing star-crossed lovers than Romeo and Juliet, and Baekhyun-hyung happened to overhear and agreed. So I think the general consensus in the group is that it’s better when we’re sickly sweet together, than moping apart, and I doubt they’re going to complain about us being together.”
“Wait,” Lu Han says, “why were you even talking about this to Yixing! He never said a word to me and he’s supposed to be my best friend.”
It’s Sehun’s turn to turn red and he says, airily, like it doesn’t matter. “Oh, I was just asking him to translate some stuff that Wang Lu told me.”
Lu Han’s eyes narrow and he says, “Like what kind of stuff?”
Sehun regards him warily for a moment, and then bursts out laughing. “Lu-ge, I love your jealous face.”
While Lu Han is sputtering about not being jealous, Sehun continues, “To be honest, I had nothing going on with Wang Lu at all. It’s just that I found out she doesn’t have words on her wrist either, and I wanted to learn more about it. Because of you. Okay?”
Lu Han hides his face against Sehun’s shoulder in mortification and mumbles, “I hate you, Oh Sehun.”
“No, you don’t.” Sehun says. “You finally told me that you fell in love with me. And I have too. I am, I mean. In love with you.”
They end up taking more than half an hour to talk things through, but when they emerge, they’ve so clearly sorted out their differences that their manager doesn’t say anything. When they fly through the filming and everything is finished in one take, the issue is not brought up again.
On the way back to Seoul, Lu Han texts Sehun even though they’re sitting side by side in the car.
So what are we going to tell the others?
The truth, of course! We’re soulmates and we’re also going to be lovers. We’ll buy them all earplugs for Christmas.
There’s a scuffle as Lu Han hits Sehun after reading the text and their manager watches them in consternation through the rearview mirror. They quickly subside, however, and he pays attention to the road again.
Honestly. Don’t worry, Lu-ge. I’m sure they’ll all support us and keep it from the company.
Lu Han has to be content with that and they soon fall asleep, Sehun tucked against his side.
CÉCI KOREA, JULY 2016
COVER EXCLUSIVE: FROM K-POP IDOLS TO BEST FRIENDS TO SOULMATES
Catch our exclusive with Oh Sehun and Lu Han from global boyband sensation, EXO, in their first interview together as soulmates.
“Indeed it’s EXO” seems to be a fitting phrase to describe the k-pop boyband constantly making inroads upon fans’ hearts all over the world with their hit songs like Growl, Call Me Baby and Monster. They are best known for hitting record-high digital and physical album sales, scoring the title “Double Million Seller” for selling more than a million copies of their albums XOXO and Exodus, and they’re gunning to smash that record again this summer with their latest album, EX’ACT.
Two years ago, the group made news for something other than their music - they cemented their status as the first-ever k-pop group to have a same-sex soulmate couple. Let’s not talk about same-sex couples, even idols that are hetero soulmates find it hard to admit their relationships publicly, for fear of offending and alienating fans.
The Sehun and Lu Han we meet in a small cafe at Buamdong are quietly but clearly in love, staying strong together even after the storm that was their public coming out. They are not openly touchy-feely in front of us (although we know that they can be) but their love shines through in the comfortable way Lu Han watches Sehun as he talks, his face all smiles, and in the easy, casual way Sehun wraps an arm around Lu Han for support when he admits that he often misses his parents.
We talk to Sehun and Lu Han in the first interview they have given together since confirming their status as soulmates, and find out more about their relationship, their thoughts on idol soulmates, and how they deal with the public scrutiny.
How did the members react when you first told them that you guys were soulmates?
Sehun: Most of them had guessed by the time we admitted it to ourselves. I guess it couldn’t be hidden. We were pretty scared when we broke the news to them, but they were so chill about it that it was almost anticlimactic.
Lu Han: Yeah, they were so amazing. I couldn’t be more thankful for the support that they gave us, especially after we had to declare our relationship officially. We felt so bad at that time, we thought maybe we had ruined the group forever.
You tried to hide your relationship at first. Why?
SH: You see so many “scandals” in the press about idols dating or declaring their soulmates and the subsequent fallout. We were afraid that that would happen to EXO, too, if we said anything. We had discussed giving up being idols before, but we didn’t want to wreck the other guys’ careers. It was a decision that would affect not just the two, but all twelve, of us.
LH: It was really hard to hide. I used to watch each broadcast of any show that we recorded once it had aired, and scold Sehun for being too obvious. We eventually got used to toning it down but it was almost a relief when we were outed.
But EXO was fine after all, right? Your latest album, EX’ACT, is doing really well on the charts.
LH: It was so nerve-wracking. After our company had released the official statement that we were soulmates, we were glued to the comments boards and SNS sites. We wouldn’t feel so bad if it involved only us, but this would have had an impact on the whole of EXO. Our EXO-L are the best, though. They came through for us.
SH: Lu Han’s right, our fans really are the best. There was a minority who couldn’t accept it and we know some of our fansites closed down. But the fans that remained were incredible. What we didn’t expect was to attract new fans for daring to tell the truth. There are even fans who were happier than before we confirmed our relationship.
Do you think it’s fair that fans could possibly get to dictate whether you can acknowledge your soulmate, or not?
LH: I don’t think it’s a matter of fair or unfair. We were really blessed that our fans stood by us, but not everyone has been similarly blessed. It’s a matter of public perception, actually. Almost everyone has a soulmate. It’s normal. Why is it such taboo for idols to acknowledge or find their soulmates? It’s something that we hope to change.
SH: We’re slowly working towards a more open-minded industry. We’ve been talking to our company and other idols to generate more discussion about the topic - there are more idol soulmates than you realise! We hope that with more people talking about the issue openly like this, the public can come to accept us more as well.
How do you cope with the public scrutiny? Any advice to other idol soulmates?
SH: We try not to read too much into public opinion and just do our best as idol artistes. We hope that our coming out will give courage to other idol soulmates who want to acknowledge their partners. Talk things through with your company first, though. Don’t do it in the shocking way that happened to us. Open up to your family and your group too. They were really our strongest supporters through it all.
Speaking of family, Lu Han, how do your parents feel about Sehun now? We heard they were opposed to the relationship at first.
LH: Oh, they love him! In fact, sometimes I think they love him more than me. In all honesty, it was a bit hard at first. It took me very long to muster up the courage to call home after the news broke about us, but Sehun was there with me throughout. My parents have always just wanted the best for me, and once they realised that that best was Sehun, they accepted him into their hearts without reserve. They really dote on Sehun now. When they send care packages over from Beijing, usually more than half the box is filled with stuff for him instead of me.
Tell us more about your relationship. Who wears the pants?
SH, LH: We both do!
LH: Honestly, Sehun gets his way a lot of the time because he’s also the youngest in the group. You’d be surprised, but even D.O., whom I think a lot of fans know is the most no-nonsense of us all, gives in to him all the time. I let him get away with loads, but it’s mostly because I’m so thankful every single day that we can still be together.
SH: Don’t think that Lu Han is a pushover, though. He just needs to give me his evil eye and I’m jumping to attention. I’m the one who does most of the chores at home, all he does is play with our dog and two cats.
Is it difficult being soulmates and also bandmates at the same time?
SH: Sometimes we do have disagreements at home that affect work, and vice versa. It’s not always roses and sunshine, but every time, we’re fully committed to working through our differences. I think it helps that we can truly understand the stress of each other’s jobs since we work together. The hardest part is in balancing our relationship with one another and our relationships with the other members. They used to be scared of offending us if one or the other gets more lines or CFs, but it’s been so long, they’ve come to learn that honesty is always the best way to go.
LH: We had quite a long rough patch at the end of 2013 that lasted for some time. Sehun wanted to tell the company, and I refused. We got through that in the end by communicating openly with each other. Although, I admit, it took us several months to get to a good place again. Looking back, I think we’re better together because of the things we had to go through. We wouldn’t do it any other way even if we had to do it all over again.
To conclude the interview, we ask Sehun and Lu Han when did they first realise that they were soulmates. Lu Han whispers something to Sehun and they both laugh shyly, but decline to answer the question.
We’ve compiled a brief timeline with some of their major official appearances below, from pre-debut to the Dispatch reveal. We leave you to draw your own conclusions.
Soulmates: A timeline
Pre-debut 2011-2012: Teaser photos and a teaser video of Sehun and Lu Han together are released.
January 2012: W Korea photoshoot with SM artistes, including Sehun and Lu Han. Behind the scenes videos show them acting very close and comfortably with each other.
31 March to 1 April 2012: EXO’s showcases in Seoul and Beijing. Lu Han talks about having the urge to take care of Sehun during the Beijing showcase. On the way to Beijing from Seoul, Lu Han and Sehun are seen linking arms often, and Lu Han protects Sehun from the crowd at the airport.
April 2012: EXO-M gives an interview in China, and Lu Han records a video birthday message for Sehun.
May 2012: EXO officially embarks on the global SMTown tour, the first of many concerts in which Sehun and Lu Han are practically joined at the hip during non-choreographed stage appearances.
September 2012: EXO-K records an interview with Sina. Sehun states on broadcast that he loves Lu Han.
November 2012-January 2013: EXO’s first round of the end-of-year music award shows. Lu Han and Sehun are constantly seen whispering to each other non-stop onstage during EXO’s thank-you speeches.
January 2013: EXO films for MBC’s Idol Star Athletics Championships. Sehun and Lu Han are reportedly extremely close during the recording.
June 2013: EXO holds a series of fansigns. Sehun and Lu Han appear together repeatedly, with Sehun once queueing up to get Lu Han’s autograph.
September 2013: EXO participates in MBC’s Idol Star Athletics Championships. Sehun and Lu Han are again always recorded together throughout the event.
October 2014: Dispatch releases photos of EXO’s Oh Sehun and Lu Han together by the Han River in what appears to be a confession. The photos includes one of them kissing and states that they were taken circa late 2013. SM Entertainment releases a statement the next day confirming that Sehun and Lu Han are soulmates.
Author’s Note: I take no credit for the fandom soulmate-name-on-your-wrist trope, but I do think the idea of Sehun and Lu Han as soulmates fits them so well. Timelines have been fiddled with to make things work in this fic, but I’ve tried to stay as true to canon as possible (until it becomes impossible by October 2014).