Edit - part twodesert_roseApril 25 2010, 06:42:02 UTC
6. It was a (A seems to have inserted here by accident) enough for Cici to think she had died and gone to heaven. 7. So when George gave her the tickets on their third anniversary for a dream vacation in the Philippines (a comma would work well here to slow down the pace of this sentence, so insert a comma after Philippines) Cici was thrilled. 8. It was dream, (It seems as though words have been missed out here, for example come true, after dream. Making dream 'dream come true,' would fill in the gap nicely) they took scuba lessons, bought their own equipment, and even made arrangements to have their own American tour guide. Example: It was a dream come true. They took scuba lessons, bought their own equipment, and even made arrangements to have their own American tour guide. 9. He showed them the shark cove, (To improve how this sentence reads, try leaving out the comma, and insert where before there) there were threshers and a few hammerheads. Example: He showed them the shark cove where there were threshers and a few hammerheads. Similarly with this sentence, insert where before there, as it seems as though a word like this is missing, and it would help improve how the sentence reads. The part that caught George's attention was in the reef (where) there were large, giant clams.
I love your vivid imagination, here - One was big enough that with one well placed shove...Cici would be completely engulfed.
They were floating above the reef when George swam next to Cici and took her hand.
"You know, I always loved you," George said, leading his wife down, down to the bottom of the reef. I like how this paragraph seems so romantic, but then quickly changes. Cue the spooky music! :-)
10. "Don't like (lie) to me! 11. Cici thrashed and George's elbow shoved into the meaty center of the clam, causing the reaction he wanted. As it was Cici he wanted to get caugh inside the clam's shell, try changing causing the reaction he wanted to causing the expected reaction- George didn't want this to happen to himself. 12. A massive shape over eight feet long moved over the couple.
As this sentence is quite dramatic, and suggests that something major is going to happen, try placing it in its own paragraph to make it stand out.
13. "You will have to play the berieved (bereaved) widow," Grieving widow would also work, here. 14. "Oh yes, I'm as happy as a clam," she chuckled before pulling at his shirt, (Try ending this sentence here, as it doesn't seem to flow well with a pause in this spot) Richard would be an enjoyable distraction, but he sure as shit wasn't coming home. Example: "Oh yes, I'm as happy as a clam," she chuckled before pulling at his shirt. Richard would be an enjoyable distraction, but he sure as shit wasn't coming home.
7. So when George gave her the tickets on their third anniversary for a dream vacation in the Philippines (a comma would work well here to slow down the pace of this sentence, so insert a comma after Philippines) Cici was thrilled.
8. It was dream, (It seems as though words have been missed out here, for example come true, after dream. Making dream 'dream come true,' would fill in the gap nicely) they took scuba lessons, bought their own equipment, and
even made arrangements to have their own American tour guide. Example: It was a dream come true. They took scuba lessons, bought their own equipment, and
even made arrangements to have their own American tour guide.
9. He showed them the shark cove, (To improve how this sentence reads, try leaving out the comma, and insert where before there) there were threshers and a few hammerheads. Example: He showed them the shark cove where there were threshers and a few hammerheads.
Similarly with this sentence, insert where before there, as it seems as though a word like this is missing, and it would help improve how the sentence reads. The part that caught George's attention was in the reef (where) there were large, giant clams.
I love your vivid imagination, here - One was big enough that with one well placed
shove...Cici would be completely engulfed.
They were floating above the reef when George swam next to Cici and took her hand.
"You know, I always loved you," George said, leading his wife down, down to the bottom of the reef. I like how this paragraph seems so romantic, but then quickly changes. Cue the spooky music! :-)
10. "Don't like (lie) to me!
11. Cici thrashed and George's elbow shoved into the meaty center of the clam, causing the
reaction he wanted. As it was Cici he wanted to get caugh inside the clam's shell, try changing causing the reaction he wanted to causing the expected reaction- George didn't want this to happen to himself.
12. A massive shape over eight feet long moved over the couple.
As this sentence is quite dramatic, and suggests that something major is going to happen, try placing it in its own paragraph to make it stand out.
13. "You will have to play the berieved (bereaved) widow," Grieving widow would also work, here.
14. "Oh yes, I'm as happy as a clam," she chuckled before pulling at his shirt, (Try ending this sentence here, as it doesn't seem to flow well with a pause in this spot) Richard would be an enjoyable distraction, but he sure as shit wasn't
coming home. Example: "Oh yes, I'm as happy as a clam," she chuckled before pulling at his shirt. Richard would be an enjoyable distraction, but he sure as shit wasn't
coming home.
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