I'm glad I don't have a weak stomach, as you put so much into the graphical description, that made this story very real to me. Well done! My editing suggestions:
1. The curse of the lottery was quick, (try ending this sentence here, the flow of this paragraph seems smoother as two sentences) as soon as their names were released 'friends' began coming out of the woodwork, each one with another sob story to pull on anyone's heartstrings. Example: The curse of the lottery was quick. As soon as their names were released 'friends' began coming out of the woodwork, each one with another sob story to pull on anyone's heartstrings. 2. often trying to create tabs under the couple's names are (at) the higher end bars in the city. 3. Cici has quit her job and was going to the gym every day. As this story is written in the past tense, change has to had, so the tense remains consistent. 4. He booked two round trip tickets, arranged for a private guide, and made sure all the little details were arranged. To avoid using the same word, arranged, twice, try replacing the second use of arranged with taken care of. Example: He booked two round trip tickets, arranged for a private guide, and made sure all the little details were taken care of. 5. They bought a new house, bought a new car, bought new furniture, bought electronics, and so very much more. As this is a list of items Cici and George bought, bought only needs to be used once. Example: They bought a new house, a new car, new furniture, electronics, and so very much more.
This is an incredibly creative take on the topic!
I'm glad I don't have a weak stomach, as you put so much into the graphical description, that made this story very real to me. Well done!
My editing suggestions:
1. The curse of the lottery was quick, (try ending this sentence here, the flow of this paragraph seems smoother as two sentences) as soon as their names were released 'friends' began coming out of the woodwork, each one with another sob
story to pull on anyone's heartstrings. Example: The curse of the lottery was quick. As soon as their names were released 'friends' began coming out of the woodwork, each one with another sob
story to pull on anyone's heartstrings.
2. often trying to create tabs under the couple's names are (at) the higher end bars in the city.
3. Cici has quit her job and was going to the gym every day. As this story is written in the past tense, change has to had, so the tense remains consistent.
4. He booked two round trip tickets, arranged for a private guide, and made sure all the little
details were arranged. To avoid using the same word, arranged, twice, try replacing the second use of arranged with taken care of. Example: He booked two round trip tickets, arranged for a private guide, and made sure all the little
details were taken care of.
5. They bought a new house, bought a new car, bought new furniture, bought electronics, and so very much
more. As this is a list of items Cici and George bought, bought only needs to be used once. Example: They bought a new house, a new car, new furniture, electronics, and so very much
more.
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