(no subject)
Thinking about a lot this week. So everytime I hang out with Mykey he leaves me questioning myself. It pisses me off a lot actually, but when I leave him all I do is think about stuff and in the end I feel a lot better. Tonight we talked about convictions and being passionate about them. I do tend to be very loose about how I feel because I do think that there is a time in my life where I might feel differently. Reading my journal over from 3 years ago to now, I see not much about me stating anything about how I feel. I broke up with my girlfriend for almost 3 years and I'll I wrote was "Nicole and I broke up and I'm single now". How sad is that, I want to know how I really felt at that moment. So I classified my traits, convictions and stuff I want to work on into catagories and I'm going to go over it one by one.
Positivity
I have always tried to be everyones friend, if I heard someone disliked me it brought me down. I would feel it some self rewarding goal to try and show them that I wasn't all that bad. Over the summer for some reason that changed a lot.
Tour alone, playing shows and seeing kids pay more attention to the ground than your band. To have people work their way out of putting you up for the night. To get paid $35 just after you played for 200 people that paid to get in. Everyone bitched, but I worked so hard to get these shows to happen, I saw things I would never have seen otherwise and appreciated every minute of it. When we got back Scott Lishay made a comment about be being in a delusional world of positivity. For some reason that stuck a lot. Why the hell did I care what anyone else thought about any of those shows as long as I had a good time and didn't die?
If someone doesn't like me for who I am, then you know what I do not care anymore.
Atheist
I do not believe in God.
Vegetarian
For the past 5 years I have been going to shows I have been told what being Vegan was. It never stopped me from changing my daily habits. I think I had 3 memorial day parties here where I made beer brats. I never thought I would not eat meat. I read all of those pamphlets one day and realized how much it would suck to be a cow on a factory farm. Your whole life to be lived just to get your head crushed by a mallet then eaten. I thought I would try and not eating meat for a week. It didn't phase me at all, everything I like to eat seems to have a vegi version that doesn't taste much different. In all honesty meat isn't as special as everyone makes it out to be, it isn't like I'm having sex when I eat it.
If it wasn't for reading all of that crap that I had been shown for years and mocked.. would I have decided to change my diet? I dont know, but you know what? I'm glad I did.
Band
I seriously really enjoy being in a band. I remember putting a post about wanting to start a band on didnt that hurt a couple years ago. Right after that I left for tour with Ion Dissonance and Forever is Forgotten, I had soo much fun being on tour and didn't want it to end. I think at that time I figured out that I wanted to travel and meet a ton of people. I joined Amora not to long after.
We are doing all of the traveling and meeting people that I was hoping for and I'm really happy about it.
I do think that the bands that I was really interested in while starting to get in the band was Wings of Scarlet and Cast From Eden. They were Athiest bands who's front men would get up say what they believed and if you didn't like it oh well. So when starting a band I wanted to be that front man that they were.. only I'm Andy and I live in a delusional world of positivity, singing lyrics that my best friend wrote and dont forget I couldn't possible offend anyone. Again, I am not going to care anymore.
What I learned on this one, is do shit for yourself.
Girls
How is it that Okarma is the one to help me out on girl advice? Does that make sence?
If I meet someone I think is cute, I can talk to them, hang out with them not sweat it or anything. I'll get myself in situations that spiral around pretty quick without even realizing it and then when it hits that point, I back out. I realize that there is usually nothing there. When I meet someone I genuinely like, I can't talk to them, I can't just hang out with them and I get really nervous. This is where I fear rejection.
So I can hang out with girls, but I get nervous around ladies.
Living
I wanted to move out, after thinking about it even more and having not brought myself into sending the application to the apt. building in I think I'm not going to do it(Art, if you see this before I call you, sorry). I love this place so much. I hate money, I dislike the responsiblity of money, I do not like being in charge of the 3 most expensive bills in my life that are shared 4 ways. I give the responsibility to other roommates and they do worse at the job than I have done in years. I can't handle that. I love who I live with, if I would move out I wouldn't have the people I really care about telling me how stupid I can be.
So in short, I'm going to start being more self assured, I'm going to find myself a lady(that sounds dirty) and I'm going to hold my friends closer because they will be around in 10 years when everyone else wont.
Positivity
I have always tried to be everyones friend, if I heard someone disliked me it brought me down. I would feel it some self rewarding goal to try and show them that I wasn't all that bad. Over the summer for some reason that changed a lot.
Tour alone, playing shows and seeing kids pay more attention to the ground than your band. To have people work their way out of putting you up for the night. To get paid $35 just after you played for 200 people that paid to get in. Everyone bitched, but I worked so hard to get these shows to happen, I saw things I would never have seen otherwise and appreciated every minute of it. When we got back Scott Lishay made a comment about be being in a delusional world of positivity. For some reason that stuck a lot. Why the hell did I care what anyone else thought about any of those shows as long as I had a good time and didn't die?
If someone doesn't like me for who I am, then you know what I do not care anymore.
Atheist
I do not believe in God.
Vegetarian
For the past 5 years I have been going to shows I have been told what being Vegan was. It never stopped me from changing my daily habits. I think I had 3 memorial day parties here where I made beer brats. I never thought I would not eat meat. I read all of those pamphlets one day and realized how much it would suck to be a cow on a factory farm. Your whole life to be lived just to get your head crushed by a mallet then eaten. I thought I would try and not eating meat for a week. It didn't phase me at all, everything I like to eat seems to have a vegi version that doesn't taste much different. In all honesty meat isn't as special as everyone makes it out to be, it isn't like I'm having sex when I eat it.
If it wasn't for reading all of that crap that I had been shown for years and mocked.. would I have decided to change my diet? I dont know, but you know what? I'm glad I did.
Band
I seriously really enjoy being in a band. I remember putting a post about wanting to start a band on didnt that hurt a couple years ago. Right after that I left for tour with Ion Dissonance and Forever is Forgotten, I had soo much fun being on tour and didn't want it to end. I think at that time I figured out that I wanted to travel and meet a ton of people. I joined Amora not to long after.
We are doing all of the traveling and meeting people that I was hoping for and I'm really happy about it.
I do think that the bands that I was really interested in while starting to get in the band was Wings of Scarlet and Cast From Eden. They were Athiest bands who's front men would get up say what they believed and if you didn't like it oh well. So when starting a band I wanted to be that front man that they were.. only I'm Andy and I live in a delusional world of positivity, singing lyrics that my best friend wrote and dont forget I couldn't possible offend anyone. Again, I am not going to care anymore.
What I learned on this one, is do shit for yourself.
Girls
How is it that Okarma is the one to help me out on girl advice? Does that make sence?
If I meet someone I think is cute, I can talk to them, hang out with them not sweat it or anything. I'll get myself in situations that spiral around pretty quick without even realizing it and then when it hits that point, I back out. I realize that there is usually nothing there. When I meet someone I genuinely like, I can't talk to them, I can't just hang out with them and I get really nervous. This is where I fear rejection.
So I can hang out with girls, but I get nervous around ladies.
Living
I wanted to move out, after thinking about it even more and having not brought myself into sending the application to the apt. building in I think I'm not going to do it(Art, if you see this before I call you, sorry). I love this place so much. I hate money, I dislike the responsiblity of money, I do not like being in charge of the 3 most expensive bills in my life that are shared 4 ways. I give the responsibility to other roommates and they do worse at the job than I have done in years. I can't handle that. I love who I live with, if I would move out I wouldn't have the people I really care about telling me how stupid I can be.
So in short, I'm going to start being more self assured, I'm going to find myself a lady(that sounds dirty) and I'm going to hold my friends closer because they will be around in 10 years when everyone else wont.