in which i show a little bit of my crazy: how the inside of my head looks any time i'm not exhausted
sometimes i feel like i only function when i'm sleep deprived because i'm so dead tired i can't get distracted because under "normal" conditions i get so scattered and overloaded with sensory stimuli. i don't know if it's reality or a matter of perception but so much stuff is going on. SO MUCH. SOOOOOOOOO MUCH. THERE'S THIS, THIS, AND THAT, AND THAT OVER THERE, AND OH MY GOD, 2403801708384 OTHER THINGS THAT MY BRAIN IS TRYING TO PROCESS AND OVERLOAD OVERLOAD OVERLOAD. and this is really just an ordinary day, much like any other. the trees are blooming and soon FLOWERS WILL HAPPEN, the mangoes are getting bigger AND IT EXCITES ME but i don't want to EAT THEM i just want to admire them, like jackfruit but OH LICHUS OH MY GOD I NEED TO FIND A WAY TO HAVE MONEY SO I CAN BUY LICHUS FOR LICHU SEASON OH GOD IT'S APRIL ALREADY FUCK WHERE DOES THE TIME GO I NEED TO BE IN DHAKA FOR POHELA BOISHAKH WHICH IS SOON AND MY COUSIN GOT MARRIED BUT IT WAS JUST THE PAPERWORK, ACTUAL CEREMONY WILL BE NEXT YEAR WHEN I WON'T BE HERE BUT STILL MARRIAGE! I WISH I HAD MORE WARNING SO I COULD'VE SHOWED UP AND WE COULD'VE DONE SOMETHING CRAZY WHICH IS WHAT WE DO, TRAIPSING AROUND DHAKA WHEN I CAN CONVINCE HER TO LEAVE HER TOWER BECAUSE SHE'S A PRINCESS AND CRAP, LIFE IS HAPPENING TOO FAST, but i can hear the fronds of the coconut palms next to the veranda rustling in the wind and i can't stop going over the thirteen important out of many many many different conversations i had today with Seema, my students, more students, Seema and Bayyan (student), Di, little Fatima, Victoria, T, Webb (we've been talking again! we hadn't for a while! i forget why!), the cat, the apartment, the building, the storms, the fact that it rains for like, ten minutes at a time, whenever i'm about to go outside, and the thunder that woke me up the last couple nights before my alarm, the Israeli check-point demonstration this morning, which led to discussions of Israel-Palestine-->diaspora-->WWII-->Holocaust/Hitler-->WWI-->zionism, i think i'm going to split up my classes into Israelis and Palestinians and have them debate, which will be especially interesting as all of them are unable to see the Israeli side right so far because they don't know enough about it, and Alibabaie and i will do a joint lesson on how this relates to the Bangladeshi government's relationship with the tribal peoples of the country and their territories, and HOLY CRAP THE FLOOR IS MOVING IT IS AN EARTHQUAKE BUT I NEVER IMAGINED THAT THEY WOULD BE LIKE THIS IT FEELS LIKE SITTING ATOP A PARTICULARLY OVERENTHUSIASTIC WASHING MACHINE AAAAAND IT'S OVER, and boy, and BREATHE, and i have to write these quizzes for my classes tomorrow and there is a mandatory staff meeting where the bosslady has not said WHY so of course we are driving ourselves crazy trying to think of WHY WHY because she could've just said "just to touch base since i've been away" BUT SHE DIDN'T AND SO WE WONDER and quiz! quiz 1 is on the big bang, then quiz on prepositions, then quiz on future tense and oh I STOLE BREAKFAST THIS MORNING and ok, ok, breathing. telling boy. grounding. it's all there. even the stuff that's too big to mention. the stuff i'm too lazy to mention. the stuff that takes up acres of mental space but it's really the clutter of the little things the little things the little things.... focus. only one (or three) thing(s) at a time.
focus
focus