alone...
Yet another friday night alone.
Another night without friends and alcohol and drugs to distract me from my dark thoughts and self-hate. I've been crying on and off all day. I'm so sick of being alone and rejected by everyone around me. I don't even have friends who ignore me that i can cry to. My family wants nothing to do with me because they don't understand my depression and they think that i should just hurry up and "get over it." They seem to imply as much frequently and usually ignore me the rest of the time.
I know cutting myself and suicidal thoughts won't make anything better, but it's all i can think about right now. I hate the fact that i'm a coward and can't follow through with killing myself, and believe me i've tried. I'm a failure at everything (even suicide!) and i'm so sick of life. I've never felt that i have any future at all, though i have planned for one because that's what i've been told my whole life that "i'm supposed to do." I just don't see the point anymore.
I wish i still lived on my own, (i had to move back in with my parents when i became 'sick'). Having my own apartment was awesome. There were some train tracks right across the street and i've never figured out why i didn't just go and lay on them. I thought about it many times, i just couldn't ('cause i'm a coward, a loser, a failure etc. etc. etc.) It would have been such a quick way to go and all of this shit would be over.
I have nothing. I am nothing. The world is nothing. This journal is nothing.
Writing in a journal on the net that few people, if any, are going to read is like screaming as loud as you can in the dark. There seems to be a lot of people screaming - and no one is listening.
Another night without friends and alcohol and drugs to distract me from my dark thoughts and self-hate. I've been crying on and off all day. I'm so sick of being alone and rejected by everyone around me. I don't even have friends who ignore me that i can cry to. My family wants nothing to do with me because they don't understand my depression and they think that i should just hurry up and "get over it." They seem to imply as much frequently and usually ignore me the rest of the time.
I know cutting myself and suicidal thoughts won't make anything better, but it's all i can think about right now. I hate the fact that i'm a coward and can't follow through with killing myself, and believe me i've tried. I'm a failure at everything (even suicide!) and i'm so sick of life. I've never felt that i have any future at all, though i have planned for one because that's what i've been told my whole life that "i'm supposed to do." I just don't see the point anymore.
I wish i still lived on my own, (i had to move back in with my parents when i became 'sick'). Having my own apartment was awesome. There were some train tracks right across the street and i've never figured out why i didn't just go and lay on them. I thought about it many times, i just couldn't ('cause i'm a coward, a loser, a failure etc. etc. etc.) It would have been such a quick way to go and all of this shit would be over.
I have nothing. I am nothing. The world is nothing. This journal is nothing.
Writing in a journal on the net that few people, if any, are going to read is like screaming as loud as you can in the dark. There seems to be a lot of people screaming - and no one is listening.