what i did on tuesday...
Went to the doctor and the doctor said, "I'll use any excuse to increase your meds!"
Not really, actually, but i did have an appointment, which was mind-numbingly routine as usual. I sat in the waiting room for approximately fourty-five minutes so i could see my doctor for a total of seven or eight minutes before she shuffled me out the door. I am really not fond of visiting my g.p, not because she is a paticularily bad doctor, but because everything is always so damned rushed and impersonal.
I had a "floaty" episode when i went to the pharmacist to get my perscriptions filled. I had money in my fucking pocket; four looneys, but when i went to pay for my meds i did not have the money and instead i had an empty bottle of orange juice in my hand. I don't remember buying or drinking the orange juice, but apparently i did because i found the reicep in my pocket when i ran home to borrow some money from my mom (which was no easy task considering we had a fight earlier in the day - see below). I don't know when my medical welfare is coming in but i have thirteen damned cents on my person until at least monday or tuesday of next week.
Before i left for my appointment i got into a fight with my mom because she claims that she has researched how to deal with people who are dealing with depression, social anxiety, post traumatic stress disorder and occasional sucidalal tendancies, but i know she is lying. How do i know she is lying? Because she does all of the fucking "do not do" things that multiple resources will inform about when dealing with people with aformentioned conditions - such as implying that i have been depressed long enough and it's about time that i "just get over it" (because it's just that damned easy, apparently), and not actually listening to what i have to say while i experience these things because she's older than me and therefore by default that makes her right even though she has a shit for brains memory and has an opinion that is antiquated beyond fuck.
Would it be too hard for her to fucking validate my thoughts and feelings on shit that i experience on a regular basis for once? Of course it would, because the universe obvioulsy encircles her narrow-minded, self-serving little opinion. She, like my dad (who is far worse) can never be wrong. How dare i even suggest as fucking much! What do i fucking know anyway? I'm younger and "mentally ill."
My mom is so fucking full of shit most of the time and she has no idea how fucking transparent it is. And even though i am the one who initiated going to doctors and mental health facilities to deal with my issues throughout the last year and a half, because after attempting suicide multiple times in the beginning of one year and my family doing dick shit all to help or support me - not even calling for an ambulance - apparently i "haven't done enough" to help myself. So while i have subjected my self to therapist after counsiling session after multiple doctor and hospital appointments after most of the in and outs of the mental health resources available in my city - all while not having any damned emotional or mental support from anyone in my family except my sister-in-law (which is fucking minimal at best) - my parents have sat on their fucking hands and constantly imply that it is about time i "get over it" and lie about researching the things i am dealing with to aliviate their sense of personal guilt and so i'll think they actually care (when they don't really give a shit because their concern is cosmetic: they'll pretend to give a shit as long as it makes them look good in the eyes of others, or in the case of lying about researching depressing etc, in the eyes of themselves). And now i'm starting to feel floaty and want to cut because no matter what i fucking do for myself or them, it's never fucking good enough. Fucking assholes.
Oh wait, i am completely wrong. Apparently letting me live in their leaky, bug infested basement for cheap rent while insisting that i clean up their mess as well as mine is their idea of fucking supporting me. I can easily argue how many of the issues i have are because of things my parents have done (or not done) my whole life, but i am too tired and angry right now to continue this shit. I'm glad i don't actually rely on them to help me when i am suicidal because i would be fucking dead by now. Even if i say i love them or get along with them most of the time the truth is that they have always been assholes and always will be, regardless of my mental and emotional state, end of fucking story.
Why am i always fucking surrounded by self-centered, egotistical liars??? They're fucking everything. I fucking hate people. I fucking hate everything! FUCK YOU WORLD AND EVERYTHING IN IT!!