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I feel so alone and yet at the same time i am glad that i am alone. I am far too much of a self-conscious, self-hating social retard to maintain any meaningful relationships. Well, now anyway. I used to try, of course. By Goddess, i used to try, but like all things in my life it was meaningless. This post is probably going to jump all over the place and will be loaded with spelling and grammarical errors, but i feel like blogging right now because it keeps my mind off other things that i do not feel like dealing with right now.
I am alone. I have only one friend now - and she is the only true friend i have ever had. I am so scared of losing her. I do not see the point of doing anything for myself, but for her i would do anything. Just thinking about her makes me feel something, anything. I have such deep respect for her and i wish i was a better person, just for her. It is kind of funny because that is exactly how i felt for my former group of friends, even though it took me many years to realize that it was a cult and the "leader" was full of shit. My personal boundries and social interaction skills are severely lacking and i am afraid that i will just end up being used again. Family, friends, acquaintances, co-workers - i am just so sick of people taking advantage of me.
But with Becky it is so different. It is so pure. She actually listens to me and actually respects my feelings and opinions, regardless of what they are. Before Becky i never knew what people caring about me felt like, even from my parents. I mean, i am sure my parents care for me - but we have never been an "open" family and feelings are not shared or discussed. There were people taking care of me as a child, providing me with food, clothing and toys; people interacting with me when necessary, but not fulfilling my emotional needs. It still feels this way.
I did not feel loved growing up. Not from my parents; not from the brothers (who raped me on a regular basis from ever since i can remember until i was about twelve or thirteen); not from any person i have ever known. If there were people who cared for me as a child and made me feel loved those memories are hiding themselves deep within my mind somewhere. I have had crushes on boys and thought i was in love, but i really do not know what love is or what it feels like. I have a very idealized version of what love "should be," but i really have no idea how to describe it, because i just have no idea.
I guess what i have been trying to say is that i have never felt that my thoughts and feelings have been validated. Ever. By anyone. Except Becky. Someone cares about me. They do not want something from me; they do not want to use me for something. They just want me to be me. It is honest and true emotional validation. Mostly it is just utter awe that any one on this planet gives a flying fuck about me. It sad and scary to say that my friend is the pretty much the only thing keeping me alive right now. It is also pathetic and selfish too because it is unfair to place that kind of emotional dependancy on someone who is busy living their own life and dealing with their own shit. That is what i want to believe anyway because the alternative would be the fact that i would be completely and utterly alone. Not that a fat, pathetic loser like me is worth anything else anyway.
I hate the world - i hate myself - broken fucking record - blah.