floaty weekend
Sorry if this hard to follow, my head is all over the place right now. I have not been doing much lately, for various reasons. I was going to post last friday about how empty i feel and how hopeless everything is but i hate how that would sound pathetically redundant and i just ruminated about it instead.
Then on saturday i had a severe dissociation episode (or depersonalization, or derealization, or whatever the fuck it is official medical name is - i usually call it "floaty" though). I very often feel derealized (everything seems like a foggy or misty dream) so that is normal for me, but i very rarely blackout completely. When i do, i am usually at home so there is nothing that is dangerous or scary, but on saturday i was out in public when it happened.
I was not feeling "okay" and i wanted very much to just stay in bed and sleep but i had to go to my old art teacher's house to let her dogs out. I already started to feel floaty by the time i left my house at about 10:00 am but somewhere between getting on the bus and getting downtown i just... how do i describe it? I just... went out of my head. When i dissociate that severely at home i just end up playing videogames or sleeping, but out in public i have no idea what i do. It is scary because there is three hours missing from my memory - and that pisses me off too because i pride myself on being able to remember everything that happens to or around me.
So there are three hours missing but somehow i managed to end up downtown because when i came out of my floaty episode i was eating a double quarter pounder with cheese (ew!) at the mcdonald's on the corner of the two main downtown streets. Actually, i have to thank mcdonald's because for once their disgusting, greasy-ass food did some good in the world. I think it was watching the grease drip from my burger and pool on my tray that ultimately brought me back to reality.
Read that again: mcdonald's food is so disgusting that it grounded someone who was severely dissociating. For real! On an other note, i have no idea how i paid for the food because i do not remember taking money with me.
I finally got to my destination about 2:00 pm and unfortunately one of the dogs had peed on the floor. But that is not the end of my great fucking day because i had the fortune to come home to this lovely story: Natascha Kampusch
Holy fuck. I can imagine, unfortunately, where that poor girl has been, in or out of her mind. It is in cases like this that i enthusiastically hope for dissociation. I hope she went to a safe spot outside of her head and i hope she went there often. Actually everything i want to say about this case is pretty much summed up here - Red State Feminist - People Don't Pay Attention, or Care, or Both.
Unfortunately stories like Natascha's are more common in this women-hating world than most people would like to believe. Stories like this are not spread all over the news because no one gives a shit because abuse against women and children is so commonplace and therefore not considered newsworthy. Do i even have to say why i hate the patriarchy right now, or how much? I hate everything so much sometimes and i wish i would just go out of my head and never come back.
EDIT: Okay, sorry for my ranting. When i wrote this post i was tired, angry and i had a very bad back ache. I forgot to add that i am okay as i can be right now and i hope i did not upset anyone with my post. In summary: the oppressive patriarchal system sucks and mcdonald's food is complete crap. Or they are both the same. Or something. Ugh, nevermind, i'm going back to bed.