phantom
I seriously cannot listen to Shawn Harris sing and not get insanely inspired. That man has the most beautiful words, I swear. So I was listening to 'From 24C' and towards the end of the song I noticed I was tearing up for reasons I have not yet decided and this spawned:
I'm dedicating this to my Anna Bee because she introduced me to The Matches and ilhsm :) Also, no caps because I'm a lazy h0ar.
----
there's a 'do not disturb' sign hanging on the door and brendon stares at it with this expression that is a mixture of understanding and disgust. he brushes his fingers over it, feels the cool plastic rub beneath his calloused fingers and for the split second his pinky finger lingers along the door handle, he swears he can feel a shock of electrical heartbreak shoot through his veins and cripple him. it's staggering at first, adjusting to the feeling of complete and utter blinding truth (it's not honesty, but it's something akin the term - perhaps carelessness?) and he repels his hand quickly - was he shocked? he's not sure - and stares at the metal fixture trying to understand it.
it's smudged by fingerprints he knows don't belong there and weighted by a placard of sinful deceit and brendon really doesn't know what to think, how to think. his heart is beating slow, not fast like it's excited but slow, like it's dying, and brendon can feel how heavy his pulse is when the veins in his wrists throb dull and sad.
through the door he hears the sweet laughter - his laughter, the laughter only meant for brendon - and the gentle hum of comfortable voices and brendon's a fool for ever thinking ryan would be expecting him/could ever change. there's a sinking feeling in brendon's chest and it's not his heart - because hearts can heal - but his spirit and it's leaking out onto the floor, out of his eyes and nose. he gives the door a watery, bitter smile and looks up at the fire alarm above the room number.
brendon knocks, weakness showing through the firm rap of his knuckles against the door and waits, blinking back tears and grappling to hold on to those last bits of his pride escaping through his shallow breaths. he waits and waits and shakes his head at the ground, stupid, stupid. and then the door opens up to reveal the unwanted fingerprints and the final puff of brendon's pride is lost when he smiles at him and says, "is ryan here?" instead of punching him in the face.
he says, "yeah, hold on," and goes to fetch brendon's boy.
ryan appears, donning a shirt and laughing back at something he said and when the neck of his shirt is down in the proper place and his eyes fix on brendon, he pales. "brendon, hey. baby, it's not what-"
brendon shakes his head, chuckles and says, "don't."
ryan pauses, blinks and looks at brendon like he's about to cry any second. "i've missed you, b."
"i've missed you too," brendon answers and he's trying so hard, so, so hard not to be bitter. he smiles - so weak - and says, "you- you look good."
ryan's eyes are welled up, on the verge of spilling over and when he blinks a tear slides down his face. "bren, listen, i-"
"no, i get it. it's hard, i know. me living in california and you still here in vegas. i get it," brendon says swallowing, fighting down the sob that wants to come from his throat. "i, uh. i actually came down to ask you to live with me-"
ryan's breath falters and he says, "brendon, bear-"
"-but it was good seeing you again, ry. i've gotta go though-"
"bear, please, just-"
"i'm glad you're doing okay," brendon chokes, hopes it doesn't sound as pathetic as it feels coming out. he reaches over and takes ryan's hand, kisses inside the palm and closes ryan's hand into a fist, sealing. "i love you," he says and kisses ryan slow and unforgettable and murmurs apologies for mistakes he never made onto his lips.
ryan says, "i love you, too," and licks at the mix of tears in brendon's mouth and when brendon walks away, ryan opens his fist, traces the lines in his palm and doesn't see the phantom kiss lingering in his hand float away, lost forever.
-----
Any connections between this and the recent ~events is merely coincidental. Like I said: Shawn Harris is my muse.
Also, while we're on the topic of The Matches, I'd just like to recommend them to EVERYONE. Seriously, they are entirely too amazing for words ( and omg I want Matty Whalen in my pocket :( )
I'm dedicating this to my Anna Bee because she introduced me to The Matches and ilhsm :) Also, no caps because I'm a lazy h0ar.
----
there's a 'do not disturb' sign hanging on the door and brendon stares at it with this expression that is a mixture of understanding and disgust. he brushes his fingers over it, feels the cool plastic rub beneath his calloused fingers and for the split second his pinky finger lingers along the door handle, he swears he can feel a shock of electrical heartbreak shoot through his veins and cripple him. it's staggering at first, adjusting to the feeling of complete and utter blinding truth (it's not honesty, but it's something akin the term - perhaps carelessness?) and he repels his hand quickly - was he shocked? he's not sure - and stares at the metal fixture trying to understand it.
it's smudged by fingerprints he knows don't belong there and weighted by a placard of sinful deceit and brendon really doesn't know what to think, how to think. his heart is beating slow, not fast like it's excited but slow, like it's dying, and brendon can feel how heavy his pulse is when the veins in his wrists throb dull and sad.
through the door he hears the sweet laughter - his laughter, the laughter only meant for brendon - and the gentle hum of comfortable voices and brendon's a fool for ever thinking ryan would be expecting him/could ever change. there's a sinking feeling in brendon's chest and it's not his heart - because hearts can heal - but his spirit and it's leaking out onto the floor, out of his eyes and nose. he gives the door a watery, bitter smile and looks up at the fire alarm above the room number.
brendon knocks, weakness showing through the firm rap of his knuckles against the door and waits, blinking back tears and grappling to hold on to those last bits of his pride escaping through his shallow breaths. he waits and waits and shakes his head at the ground, stupid, stupid. and then the door opens up to reveal the unwanted fingerprints and the final puff of brendon's pride is lost when he smiles at him and says, "is ryan here?" instead of punching him in the face.
he says, "yeah, hold on," and goes to fetch brendon's boy.
ryan appears, donning a shirt and laughing back at something he said and when the neck of his shirt is down in the proper place and his eyes fix on brendon, he pales. "brendon, hey. baby, it's not what-"
brendon shakes his head, chuckles and says, "don't."
ryan pauses, blinks and looks at brendon like he's about to cry any second. "i've missed you, b."
"i've missed you too," brendon answers and he's trying so hard, so, so hard not to be bitter. he smiles - so weak - and says, "you- you look good."
ryan's eyes are welled up, on the verge of spilling over and when he blinks a tear slides down his face. "bren, listen, i-"
"no, i get it. it's hard, i know. me living in california and you still here in vegas. i get it," brendon says swallowing, fighting down the sob that wants to come from his throat. "i, uh. i actually came down to ask you to live with me-"
ryan's breath falters and he says, "brendon, bear-"
"-but it was good seeing you again, ry. i've gotta go though-"
"bear, please, just-"
"i'm glad you're doing okay," brendon chokes, hopes it doesn't sound as pathetic as it feels coming out. he reaches over and takes ryan's hand, kisses inside the palm and closes ryan's hand into a fist, sealing. "i love you," he says and kisses ryan slow and unforgettable and murmurs apologies for mistakes he never made onto his lips.
ryan says, "i love you, too," and licks at the mix of tears in brendon's mouth and when brendon walks away, ryan opens his fist, traces the lines in his palm and doesn't see the phantom kiss lingering in his hand float away, lost forever.
-----
Any connections between this and the recent ~events is merely coincidental. Like I said: Shawn Harris is my muse.
Also, while we're on the topic of The Matches, I'd just like to recommend them to EVERYONE. Seriously, they are entirely too amazing for words ( and omg I want Matty Whalen in my pocket :( )