so I guess we are that club and those people
Hockey grand final weekend; we lost the game but went for drinks afterwards.
While going to get a dish of food for the group, one person hid my plate with a slice of cake on it. I noticed it was gone, but chose to ignore it until pretty much the group wouldn't let me ignore it any longer. I've been the target of the 'oh, we don't know where your [insert thing here] is' "joke" that relies on the humiliating exclusion of one individual to foster the inclusion with the rest of the group as part of a long-time campaign to make me the outsider, and to say I had a fairly visceral reaction (for me) about this prank is an understatement.
There are several levels to this:
1. The "joke" is designed to foster a sense of group feeling through the exclusion of one person; when used long-term, it's basically gaslighting.
2. An prank where the core 'humour' is built around excluding one person was used by a type of group that pretty much relies on inclusion and emotional cohesion to build a team.
3. I showed visible distress at the "joke" when the 'appropriate' reaction to such things is to laugh it off. Basically, I valued my pain equivalent to their amusement.
I addressed this in a FB post which may have been a mistake, but it's one I'm willing to make for the sake of speaking up. Yes, I trust that the people didn't intend malice, just that they were thoughtless and they didn't know my reaction to it would be what it was. However it still hurt. Just as a mis-hit ball cracking a kneecap can be entirely accidental but still hurt. I don't think that calling them out on it is a bad thing, I guess it depends on how hard they cling to the "I am a good person and don't make mistakes" attitude, or the "well, she should have just taken it as a joke and laughed it off".
So we'll see how the summer competition goes (which I offered to play in to see if I could get back into the rhythm of the game), and how things go in dealing with the various people in the various teams. (We have three teams in the comp, all split up as to grades, experience, and game longevity, so people are everywhere.)
Or, you know, if they even want to play with me. I thought I knew this club; I'm starting to feel less certain of that.
While going to get a dish of food for the group, one person hid my plate with a slice of cake on it. I noticed it was gone, but chose to ignore it until pretty much the group wouldn't let me ignore it any longer. I've been the target of the 'oh, we don't know where your [insert thing here] is' "joke" that relies on the humiliating exclusion of one individual to foster the inclusion with the rest of the group as part of a long-time campaign to make me the outsider, and to say I had a fairly visceral reaction (for me) about this prank is an understatement.
There are several levels to this:
1. The "joke" is designed to foster a sense of group feeling through the exclusion of one person; when used long-term, it's basically gaslighting.
2. An prank where the core 'humour' is built around excluding one person was used by a type of group that pretty much relies on inclusion and emotional cohesion to build a team.
3. I showed visible distress at the "joke" when the 'appropriate' reaction to such things is to laugh it off. Basically, I valued my pain equivalent to their amusement.
I addressed this in a FB post which may have been a mistake, but it's one I'm willing to make for the sake of speaking up. Yes, I trust that the people didn't intend malice, just that they were thoughtless and they didn't know my reaction to it would be what it was. However it still hurt. Just as a mis-hit ball cracking a kneecap can be entirely accidental but still hurt. I don't think that calling them out on it is a bad thing, I guess it depends on how hard they cling to the "I am a good person and don't make mistakes" attitude, or the "well, she should have just taken it as a joke and laughed it off".
So we'll see how the summer competition goes (which I offered to play in to see if I could get back into the rhythm of the game), and how things go in dealing with the various people in the various teams. (We have three teams in the comp, all split up as to grades, experience, and game longevity, so people are everywhere.)
Or, you know, if they even want to play with me. I thought I knew this club; I'm starting to feel less certain of that.