If You're Hungry, Go Put On Your Pants
Another week gone by and not a bad one at that. Friday after a terrible closing shift (when your co-closer has to go to a funeral and your boss offers to close with you so you don't have to close alone, well, you're still closing alone because she's off somewhere else all night), I took up a mass-text-messaged invite out to a bar where a friend from the cafe was celebrating her last weekend before starting college (she's not starting straight outta HS, lest the age thing throw you). I ended up having a BLAST just unwinding with fun people and cheap beer, despite the loud crowdedness of the bar. One of the girls noted that it was nice to see me like that. Yes, outside of work, I'm actually a lot of fun. It was also nice to bond with some people I really like who generally only see me in a bad mood.
Saturday was the Ren Faire with violawoodpecker and chajester. Many Huzzahs were said and much fun was had. Got to see all the shows I wanted and got to eat good food (Steak on a Stake!) and took a lot of pictures. Just nice to be out somewhere doing something cool and not thinking about the real world. That night Frank came over to help Kris record one of his songs. We all had a blast and the song came out great.
Since then it's been an unremarkable week of work. I've been freelancing by day and closing the cafe every night and it's been proving fruitful and not too hard. If this situation holds up, I may be finally able to be out of the financial woods for a little while. I'm reading my parachute book in every spare moment, which turns out to be during my meal break at the cafe, which is a little odd. (What are you reading? Oh, I'm researching the best way out of this crap situation I work in now :) I had a weird kind of day this week, where I took my work to my folks' so I could do laundry there and ended up using their premium cable and eating their food and showering in their gorgeously remodeled bathroom with my mom's expensive shampoo. Made me understand why people recommend never leaving your parents' house. Which made me laugh but also made me sad.
I've been up and down emotionally, trying to hold it together when I think I can't take it anymore and don't want to keep holding out for what I'm worth. That's becoming a big concept that Kris is insistent I work on: making myself important enough to at least ASK for what I want. Even if it's as simple as please come sit on the couch with me, I don't want to be alone. And it is effing HARD for me to do. Also exploring whether I have "expensive tastes" or whether Kris has low standards. I suspect it's a bit in the middle. He and I grew up very differently. It's the difference between me thinking "this is awful, we can't afford fresh meats and produce and stuff" and Kris thinking "we're lucky to have food, even if it is on the level of mac and cheese." And of course it is good to have food, some people don't. But again, he grew up where that was a step away from happening and my parents did a very good job of hiding any financial troubles if there ever were any. Or maybe I was just to busy playing pretend to care. But it never seemed like there even ever were any. So he's happy not to be that bad off and I'm miserable that I'm a big failure at being self-sufficient compared to my parents. (Yes. I am aware that my parents did probably eat Ramen six nights a week and live in a cheap apartment in the years before my sister and I came along. Still, this is how I feel.)
You see? This is what it's like in my head all the time now. Sometimes I keep it light and am able to focus on little things that make me happy and overcoming smaller obstacles and acheiving little goals. And sometimes the big scary intense flood of important subjects and decisions and problems that need fixing comes rolling in and I get all weepy and then all introspective.
I think it is going to turn out good. But for now it is still hard work.
And my best friend is out of the country and I miss her a lot. But I'm glad she's on an adventure :)
~The Rock Star...is cautiously whispering that it might all be OK eventually.
Saturday was the Ren Faire with violawoodpecker and chajester. Many Huzzahs were said and much fun was had. Got to see all the shows I wanted and got to eat good food (Steak on a Stake!) and took a lot of pictures. Just nice to be out somewhere doing something cool and not thinking about the real world. That night Frank came over to help Kris record one of his songs. We all had a blast and the song came out great.
Since then it's been an unremarkable week of work. I've been freelancing by day and closing the cafe every night and it's been proving fruitful and not too hard. If this situation holds up, I may be finally able to be out of the financial woods for a little while. I'm reading my parachute book in every spare moment, which turns out to be during my meal break at the cafe, which is a little odd. (What are you reading? Oh, I'm researching the best way out of this crap situation I work in now :) I had a weird kind of day this week, where I took my work to my folks' so I could do laundry there and ended up using their premium cable and eating their food and showering in their gorgeously remodeled bathroom with my mom's expensive shampoo. Made me understand why people recommend never leaving your parents' house. Which made me laugh but also made me sad.
I've been up and down emotionally, trying to hold it together when I think I can't take it anymore and don't want to keep holding out for what I'm worth. That's becoming a big concept that Kris is insistent I work on: making myself important enough to at least ASK for what I want. Even if it's as simple as please come sit on the couch with me, I don't want to be alone. And it is effing HARD for me to do. Also exploring whether I have "expensive tastes" or whether Kris has low standards. I suspect it's a bit in the middle. He and I grew up very differently. It's the difference between me thinking "this is awful, we can't afford fresh meats and produce and stuff" and Kris thinking "we're lucky to have food, even if it is on the level of mac and cheese." And of course it is good to have food, some people don't. But again, he grew up where that was a step away from happening and my parents did a very good job of hiding any financial troubles if there ever were any. Or maybe I was just to busy playing pretend to care. But it never seemed like there even ever were any. So he's happy not to be that bad off and I'm miserable that I'm a big failure at being self-sufficient compared to my parents. (Yes. I am aware that my parents did probably eat Ramen six nights a week and live in a cheap apartment in the years before my sister and I came along. Still, this is how I feel.)
You see? This is what it's like in my head all the time now. Sometimes I keep it light and am able to focus on little things that make me happy and overcoming smaller obstacles and acheiving little goals. And sometimes the big scary intense flood of important subjects and decisions and problems that need fixing comes rolling in and I get all weepy and then all introspective.
I think it is going to turn out good. But for now it is still hard work.
And my best friend is out of the country and I miss her a lot. But I'm glad she's on an adventure :)
~The Rock Star...is cautiously whispering that it might all be OK eventually.