I know if I put my mind to it, I know that I really can do it.....

[sekzigoddess87]

So.....I guess most of you are wondering what the outcome of yesterday was. I was trying to sort everything out. I was happy with Chris but Justin was coming home and I planned to hang out with him last night. So he was supossed to come by my house at 5:30. I waited and waited and waited. Eventually, I went outside and I waited and waited and waited. I had my guitar out there for a while. It was ironic. I was wearing Justin's varisty jacket, cuz I had to give it back to him, while playing the guitar that Chris gave me. Now if that isn't symbolism, then I don't know what is. So finally, around 8 he actually showed up. He got out of the car and gave me a hug. I felt a shiver run up my spine. We basically spent 2 and a half hours arguing about the decision i'm going to make about who to be with. It was quite lovely. He made it awkward for himself. I as perfectly content just being around him cuz I missed him terrible but he was acting all cold and hostile towards me. I know he had every right to be, seeing as I fucked him over and all, but I wish it didn't have to be that way. At the end of the night, my decision didn't become easier for me to make but increasingly more difficult. I knew I couldn't drag it out much longer and that today would be my judgement day. It indeed, was. I woke up al early to take the bus to Chris' house. I was totally not functioning this morning. The plan was to take the 751 by my house to the terminal and then the 76L to his house and be there by like 9:30. Well, I forgot so I had my dad drop me off at the library so I could take the 756 and I didn't realize till I was on the bus what I had done. I took it all the way to school and then took the 163 from there to his house. That ended up cutting out an hour and a half of time that I could have spent with him. I felt really bad about it but the important thing is that I came there. We went to this diner by his house. Then we went to his house and discussed our brains out, sometimes by using song titles. Yes, Chris, I will go to Utah and pracitce monogamy! HAHA. Anyways, at the end of my time with him, I came to decision. It was an option that was my last resort but I had no choice that would benefit everyone other than this one. I chose neither of them. I chose to be alone and just to deal with all my own problems by myself. That was a hard decision for me to make. I figured that it was the only chance I had of keeping both of them in my life. That way, i'm not choosing one over the other and since I can't have both, I chose neither. Chris agreed with my decision. He supports me to the fullest and he says he's going to be here for me and make sure that I stick to my guns with it. Justin, on the other hand, he doesn't understand it. However, all hope it not lost and hopefully, I can chill with him again before next Sunday. I had to go to work with all these mized emotions in my head, everything about the past 5 months spinning around my brains like a propelor. :sigh: I worked 3-9:30. I was supossed to work till 8 but they asked me to close (10:30,) so I compromised and said that I would stay until 9:30. I'm tired. On the phone with Christopher now and i'm going to talk to Justin before I go to sleep. I love them both and that's why I can't be with either of them. Life sucks. Making the right decision sucks, even if it is right. I knew I was screwed no matter what I do so now I have to deal with the consequences and be miserble and alone. I can't say I don't deserve it. Night all.

::Saturday::

Working 5-10:30.

::Sunday::

Church.

BBQ AT MY HOUSE w/my parents & Christopher.