(no subject)
Last night, there was a lunar eclipse that coincided with the winter solstice, or first day of winter and the shortest day of the year, an occurrence that only happens once every 370 years or so.
I wanted to commemorate such an event, but was hard pressed coming up with such a good way to do it; I thought I might buy a DSLR with a zoom lens and tripod to photograph the eclipse myself, as the recent repeal of restocking fees on cameras (and everything else) at work coincided conveniently with the possibility of just returning it afterword. However, not only did Best Buy not have an adequate zoom lens available, but the cost of them both was upwards of a thousand dollars, which was more than I wanted to risk should something go awry in the plan.
I had no problem sufficing for chilling with the kids as an alternative. Gabe suggested plans as well, though they were limited to food, as always; such seems to be the limit of his interests. But I figured I could make them work.
The problem was, everyone started getting whimsical when time arrived. Gabe suddenly didn't have enough money for the plans, and Tom had to be coaxed out of his house. Partially because I had already made the trip and partially in my eagerness to make the plans work, I agreed to cover Gabe's bill, and he'd pay me back. But we were running out of time, before the establishments closed for the night.
The current time put making it before the kitchen closed bleak, but I was still determined to make things work, so I took the thruway, toll and all. However, in my distraction, I went through the E-Z pass lane. ...That will be a $25 fee I'll get, eventually. I was embittered that that happened, but the kicker was how hysterrrical the kids thought it was. Some time ago I had come to terms with them being as naive and remorseless as kids often are, but I was in no mood at the time, and it culminated the worst way.
I was silent the whole car ride there, as I came to terms with why exactly I was so upset. I was driving, as I always do, burning money to move, I was paying for 1-2 people's food -- which was sure to be a larger bill than I'd have myself --, I was going to pay for a toll but instead am going to pay for 20 of them, just so we can make it to a restaurant I didn't even care for. Just so that we can have each others company, that night. But they just acted like I was foolish and wasting my time. Like it didn't involve or concern them.
I had time to come to terms with why I was so eager to make an event of that night, and why it felt like such a failure or not what I wanted at all, even before the actual eclipse happened. I've been lonely for a long time, to a degree I don't need to get into right now. Most of my life, more or less. Years and years ago already, I began to hate the holiday season, dread it even, as it just made me feel horrible, and I felt anything was better than nothing, and followed my sister to whatever events she was doing. That was a mistake.
It was a mistake that culminated one New Year's Eve, where I had followed her and her boyfriend to Michelle's house. I chilled awkwardly as I always did, content to be a third wheel. Once midnight struck, however, Kristen kissed her boyfriend, Michelle kissed hers, her mom kissed her dad, and I... stood in the side of the room. That observation blindsided me at once, and never-mind being a third wheel -- I didn't belong there. Ever since then, I've had an anxiety about supplementing the gap in my own life with others'.
It was a whisper in the back of my mind since I went to Best Buy to check the cameras, and right around the time the toll thing happened, it took a front seat, as the fear in my mind grew. It began to feel like a mistake, and their oblivious words seemed to point out my ugly flailing attempt. They felt, at the time, like they even confirmed it.
I did not want to be around others anymore, at that time. The trip to the Palisades finished around that time, and Tom started to tell me to stop being bothered, as though that would work, instead of only make things worse. He tried to cover and say we really came to watch a movie, as at that point in time only midnight showings of movies were still happening, and G&M were like "Ohhh, I was WONDERING why we were still going even though it was a waste", or some such, confirming they thought the whole time that it was 100% a futile effort, but felt no need to protest, or otherwise contribute in any way. I confirmed the restaurant's closed kitchen, and tried Dave & Buster's instead, and they closed later, but also already closed in the extra time it took to get there.
Tom at least talked in a sympathetic manner, though coincidentally. He felt himself that the eclipse was a romantic event, and wished that we had someone special to share it with. I told him a little, and he extended an invitation to his own family for the holidays, but I didn't want to tell him how that only threatened a relapse of old experiences, at the time. Despite all the inadvertent antagonization, I still cooled my head eventually. And just in time, as Monica chimed in, "So what are we doing?", as though they finally wanted to be involved. Not contribute, just be involved. I explained that only diners and fast food are going to be open by then. Thus began Gabe's silent protest.
As we drove in a general homeward direction, I took back-roads and such, looking for a diner -- any diner -- to eat at. I didn't want to frequent a fast food restaurant for the umpteenth time, and 24-hour fast food is harder to find than diner's, which took plenty of time already. By the time I found some miscellaneous one, the eclipse had begun, and Gabe was more or less completely silent. This is frequently his coping mechanism, or lack thereof. I'm confident it's some sort of variation of disappointment in dining, or having to be up early, but I am only assuming, as he won't actually say anything. Which is fine by me -- I myself was silent as well, about my own things, but I accept the consequences of being silent, as I've decided speaking up would be futile or not worth the effort. But he usually seems to suffer for it. Or expect someone to swoop in and do his part for him, save him, and wrap him up with a bow for him. I will not coddle such self-embellishment, as I've learned the hard way myself what that brings about.
Eventually we found ourselves near Harriman state park, and looking for someplace to watch the eclipse at, which was a third or so underway. We wandered under Tom's directions, as he said he knew a place nearby, but after a while of it not showing up, I chose a nice looking side of a lake, just big enough to fit a car or two.
The eclipse was slow and steady, and we waited for it to be more or less complete, over the course of an hour or so, before we left.
I definitely don't regret actually witnessing it. I feel better knowing I have. Regardless what anxiety I feel in this moment or the rest of the holiday season, I can feel that at very least, I made an effort.
I wanted to commemorate such an event, but was hard pressed coming up with such a good way to do it; I thought I might buy a DSLR with a zoom lens and tripod to photograph the eclipse myself, as the recent repeal of restocking fees on cameras (and everything else) at work coincided conveniently with the possibility of just returning it afterword. However, not only did Best Buy not have an adequate zoom lens available, but the cost of them both was upwards of a thousand dollars, which was more than I wanted to risk should something go awry in the plan.
I had no problem sufficing for chilling with the kids as an alternative. Gabe suggested plans as well, though they were limited to food, as always; such seems to be the limit of his interests. But I figured I could make them work.
The problem was, everyone started getting whimsical when time arrived. Gabe suddenly didn't have enough money for the plans, and Tom had to be coaxed out of his house. Partially because I had already made the trip and partially in my eagerness to make the plans work, I agreed to cover Gabe's bill, and he'd pay me back. But we were running out of time, before the establishments closed for the night.
The current time put making it before the kitchen closed bleak, but I was still determined to make things work, so I took the thruway, toll and all. However, in my distraction, I went through the E-Z pass lane. ...That will be a $25 fee I'll get, eventually. I was embittered that that happened, but the kicker was how hysterrrical the kids thought it was. Some time ago I had come to terms with them being as naive and remorseless as kids often are, but I was in no mood at the time, and it culminated the worst way.
I was silent the whole car ride there, as I came to terms with why exactly I was so upset. I was driving, as I always do, burning money to move, I was paying for 1-2 people's food -- which was sure to be a larger bill than I'd have myself --, I was going to pay for a toll but instead am going to pay for 20 of them, just so we can make it to a restaurant I didn't even care for. Just so that we can have each others company, that night. But they just acted like I was foolish and wasting my time. Like it didn't involve or concern them.
I had time to come to terms with why I was so eager to make an event of that night, and why it felt like such a failure or not what I wanted at all, even before the actual eclipse happened. I've been lonely for a long time, to a degree I don't need to get into right now. Most of my life, more or less. Years and years ago already, I began to hate the holiday season, dread it even, as it just made me feel horrible, and I felt anything was better than nothing, and followed my sister to whatever events she was doing. That was a mistake.
It was a mistake that culminated one New Year's Eve, where I had followed her and her boyfriend to Michelle's house. I chilled awkwardly as I always did, content to be a third wheel. Once midnight struck, however, Kristen kissed her boyfriend, Michelle kissed hers, her mom kissed her dad, and I... stood in the side of the room. That observation blindsided me at once, and never-mind being a third wheel -- I didn't belong there. Ever since then, I've had an anxiety about supplementing the gap in my own life with others'.
It was a whisper in the back of my mind since I went to Best Buy to check the cameras, and right around the time the toll thing happened, it took a front seat, as the fear in my mind grew. It began to feel like a mistake, and their oblivious words seemed to point out my ugly flailing attempt. They felt, at the time, like they even confirmed it.
I did not want to be around others anymore, at that time. The trip to the Palisades finished around that time, and Tom started to tell me to stop being bothered, as though that would work, instead of only make things worse. He tried to cover and say we really came to watch a movie, as at that point in time only midnight showings of movies were still happening, and G&M were like "Ohhh, I was WONDERING why we were still going even though it was a waste", or some such, confirming they thought the whole time that it was 100% a futile effort, but felt no need to protest, or otherwise contribute in any way. I confirmed the restaurant's closed kitchen, and tried Dave & Buster's instead, and they closed later, but also already closed in the extra time it took to get there.
Tom at least talked in a sympathetic manner, though coincidentally. He felt himself that the eclipse was a romantic event, and wished that we had someone special to share it with. I told him a little, and he extended an invitation to his own family for the holidays, but I didn't want to tell him how that only threatened a relapse of old experiences, at the time. Despite all the inadvertent antagonization, I still cooled my head eventually. And just in time, as Monica chimed in, "So what are we doing?", as though they finally wanted to be involved. Not contribute, just be involved. I explained that only diners and fast food are going to be open by then. Thus began Gabe's silent protest.
As we drove in a general homeward direction, I took back-roads and such, looking for a diner -- any diner -- to eat at. I didn't want to frequent a fast food restaurant for the umpteenth time, and 24-hour fast food is harder to find than diner's, which took plenty of time already. By the time I found some miscellaneous one, the eclipse had begun, and Gabe was more or less completely silent. This is frequently his coping mechanism, or lack thereof. I'm confident it's some sort of variation of disappointment in dining, or having to be up early, but I am only assuming, as he won't actually say anything. Which is fine by me -- I myself was silent as well, about my own things, but I accept the consequences of being silent, as I've decided speaking up would be futile or not worth the effort. But he usually seems to suffer for it. Or expect someone to swoop in and do his part for him, save him, and wrap him up with a bow for him. I will not coddle such self-embellishment, as I've learned the hard way myself what that brings about.
Eventually we found ourselves near Harriman state park, and looking for someplace to watch the eclipse at, which was a third or so underway. We wandered under Tom's directions, as he said he knew a place nearby, but after a while of it not showing up, I chose a nice looking side of a lake, just big enough to fit a car or two.
The eclipse was slow and steady, and we waited for it to be more or less complete, over the course of an hour or so, before we left.
I definitely don't regret actually witnessing it. I feel better knowing I have. Regardless what anxiety I feel in this moment or the rest of the holiday season, I can feel that at very least, I made an effort.