Safe (Lost Memory) - Part VIII
Title: Safe (Lost Memory)
Pairing: Sehun/Kai
Rating: PG
Summary: He always carries a gun. He probably carries a code. He has never wanted to protect a man all his life. Until he is lost. Who is he protecting? And who is he protecting him from?
Sehun didn't talk about Tao after that. He only shook his head when Kai asked him that night. Not at all telling him what happened in his dream. He didn't say that he remembers his dream, nor he remembers someone that belongs to his life back then. Tao could be the mastermind, but something was telling him he could be wrong. He knows Tao is behind all the syndicate works, the way the hair at the back of his neck stands whenever he recalls his voice in his head can't deny that. Tao sure is working for the syndicate. Tao could be the mastermind. But he still can't bring himself to tell Kai. Sehun knows he probably is scared to find out about himself, more than anything else.
He became silent after that incident. The dream kept repeating each night. Him holding a gun, then a dead man. When he connects the scenes, there's only one conclusion. And he can't accept it. He won't believe it. He doesn't want to trust in his dreams. He would never kill. He knows he would never. Moreover, he had been receiving constant headaches every now and then. He doesn't tell Kai. It would only be harder to keep what he's been remembering. He doesn't want him to worry too. He feels bad when he avoids him in the house. Sometimes he'll just ignore him, sometimes purposely avoid him. He knows Kai's aware of it but he never said a thing. He still didn't stop looking after him from time to time. But Sehun feels scared. He's scared to find out about himself. And if he happened to be someone else Kai isn't expecting him to be, what would they do? How can they go back?
"Sehun, did you remember anything today?" Kai asked cautiously beside him. Sehun just shook his head. A lie. He just remembered something new. Tao isn't just someone who dictates him what to do. He saw a few glimpses of him with Tao together in his dream. They were fishing. Something that's too out of the ordinary, as a boss and a diamond in a syndicate. It's off.
"I still don't remember anything." Sehun hugged his legs closer to his chest. He didn't meet Kai's eyes.
"It's okay." Kai said in a comforting tone. Seeing Sehun in such a state worries him a lot. He has been too silent and down lately he doesn't know what to do. He collected him into his arms and hugged him closer to him. He let Sehun rest his head against his cheek. "It's okay. Don't take it too hard on yourself." Kai whispered.
Sehun closed his eyes. He wanted to cry. He was too good to him but what was he doing in return? He knows the case is very important to him. But he doesn't want Kai to know that the Sehun in his arms right now had been a part of someone's death. He can't say it now. At least not now.
"I'm sorry Kai." He said in an almost inaudible whisper.
"Shhh." Kai kissed him on the forehead. "It's okay."
•
"Can you let me go?" Sehun asked one time during breakfast. He knows he's trying his luck or maybe his bad luck. Kai just looked at him for a while.
"Just once. I'll just check whether it will work."
Kai considered him for a moment. "You think going out again will aid your memory recovery?"
Sehun nodded.
"Sehun, I'm only thinking of you. The last time you went out..." He stopped. The last time that happened, he hurt Sehun so bad and almost lost him. Sehun must have remembered the incident too when he fell silent. He looked depressed.
Kai sighed. He can't stand Sehun looking helpless. "Fine. We can go on Wednesday." Kai pat his head and gave him a small smile, hoping to reflect it to the other's lips. But Sehun just pursed them together.
"Actually. Can I go with someone else?"
It was the second time that morning that Kai got surprised at what he's telling him. The first time was when he asked whether he can go out.
"Not with me?" Kai tried to act as if it didn't affect him in any way.
"I know you're busy. And I can't go out freely when I'm with you. They would easily know it's me you're with." Sehun avoided his eyes.
The older's smile vanished. "You're... probably right."
Sehun felt so bad after hearing that tone. He sounded hurt. He knew Kai didn't feel good at all. He just downright rejected him after all.
"Can you ask Chanyeol?" He had hurt him already anyway, better to just continue with his plan. Sehun swore to himself he doesn't want any of this, but he just had to.
"I'll arrange things with him." Kai promised. Sehun stole a glance at him while Kai wasn't looking. He was sorry.
Chanyeol picked him up that Wednesday. Kai made sure that Chanyeol doesn't take his eyes off of Sehun that day on the phone while he was at the office. Sehun hid himself well with a cap that covers his face, and clothes that he normally doesn't wear. What surprised him is that he wasn't alone in the car with Chanyeol.
"Ah, Sehun this is Baekhyun." Chanyeol gestured to the guy on the passenger's seat. A young man in specs with a nice smile nodded at him and reached for his hand to shake with his.
"Nice to meet you." Baekhyun extended his arm.
Sehun took it and looked a bit confused. As he looked from Baekhyun to Chanyeol and back to Baekhyun, he understood. "I am him. He's your me."
Chanyeol nodded a little proudly. "I am his Kai, if you want to put it like that." Sehun blushed a bit. If he put it like that then he'd think there's something going on between them too.
"He has to come with us. I can't leave him." Chanyeol explained.
"It's okay. I don't mind." Sehun said from the backseat. "I'm actually sorry for even taking your time. I know you're in the middle of a case."
"Not at all." Chanyeol waved his hand.
"It's totally okay. Chanyeol wouldn't take me out often too. It's good you come up with something like this." Baekhyun chipped in cheerfully.
"Because it's dangerous."
"Even just for a few times!" Baekhyun exclaimed.
"Still dangerous." Chanyeol retorted with a smirk.
Sehun smiled a bit. He wished Kai and him could be the same. But they couldn't. Their case is different.
"So where do you want to go Sehun?"
Sehun looked at Chanyeol from the rearview mirror. "Let's just go around the city."
"Okay!"
They decided to go by foot as they toured around. Sehun had been here before when Kai asked him to go out to have a different environment. But today was different. He didn't exactly know what he was looking for.
"Oh. Ice cream. Cheapskate, buy us some ice cream." Baekhyun demanded from Chanyeol as they passed by a vendor. At this moment, they were bickering at each other. Sehun ignored the two when someone else caught his eye. He knew there was a reason why he wanted to leave the house. Somewhere from a not so good distance away from him was Tao. He was looking directly at him. There was a cold chill creeping up on his spine. He could hear Chanyeol and Baekhyun behind him, but they didn't sound so clear.
"Fine!" Chanyeol gave in. "Sehun what flavor would you want?"
Sehun answered absentmindedly. "Cheese."
"Alright."
He didn't leave his sight. There was Tao watching him. Had he been watching him ever since this morning? And then the cold reached Sehun's feet as something struck him. Had he been watching him all this time? Ever since? So many questions flooded Sehun's head. Does he know Sehun a lot? Can he ask him about himself? Before he realized it, he was walking towards him.
Tao's eyes darkened as he saw Sehun getting closer and closer. He stayed still though. He waited until he reached him. Sehun stood face to face with the man in his dreams. The fact that he's seeing his face clearly now made his heart race in fear. He thought twice in stepping closer, but the eyes looking at him didn't mean any harm. If he were to assess it, it was more like curious. And if he was thinking correctly, he looked worried. Or it could be an act to lure him more. Sehun stopped right in front of him, his face expressionless trying to mask the fear that's eating him up little by little. He looked down to see a gun tucked at Tao's side. His heart beat so loud it felt like bursting. He wanted to run back to Chanyeol and Baekhyun, but it's his only chance to understand what's happening to him. He is taking this risk.
"Tao." Sehun spoke. He didn't miss the surprise in Tao's eyes. But he didn't move nor give any other sign of recognition.
"You know me." Sehun started. "You saved me once. Who are you?" He spoke fast in case Chanyeol looks for him.
"Who am I? Why do I keep seeing you in my dreams?" Sehun felt something got stuck in his throat as he asked what he really wanted to know. "What-- what am I?"
Tao just looked at him with those sharp eyes.
"Tao. Are you the syndicate's head? Do I work for you? Why don't you take me now? You're looking for me right?" He wanted to push him out of frustration. He needed answers. He wanted to finally know who he is. He wanted to hear from him that he's not anyone the syndicate really needs. That he was forced to work for him. That he was enslaved by the syndicate. That he is just a poor victim in this case. So he can ran back to Kai, innocent and not guilty of anything.
Tao lowered his head, not taking his eyes off of him. He took something out of his pocket. A piece of paper. Something Sehun had seen in his dream.
"You are a diamond. Just believe that and run away."
Tao managed to pass the paper into Sehun's hand. He saw Chanyeol making a commotion in the background. He was already looking for Sehun. He gave Sehun one last look before turning his back and disappearing in a corner. Sehun was left there standing with the piece of paper in his hand. From behind him, someone was running to him. He looked at his hand, it's the code. Tao had given him the code. The hundred-character code he had been dreaming about. The code he had been holding only in his memory that the Japanese drug dealers have been long after. The code that the syndicate had been protecting all this time. The code that made him a diamond. He is supposed to be a diamond. But what did Tao say?
"Sehun." A breathless Chanyeol caught up with him. Baekhyun was running along with his hand clasped tightly with Chanyeol's.
Sehun immediately stuffed the paper in his front pocket before turning to face them.
"Don't do that again." Chanyeol said out of worry. If he was Kai he would have been in rage already. But Chanyeol is the honest type who doesn't try to hide his emotions.
"I'm sorry. I thought I remembered something but... there's none." He said apologetically.
Chanyeol squeezed his shoulders. Sehun knows that if Baekhyun wasn't around, he would have hugged him in relief. But the gesture already made him feel better.
"I'm sorry." He apologized again. Chanyeol ruffled his hair.
"It's okay." Chanyeol said. He breathed hard and sighed in relief. "Whew. Kai would definitely definitely kill me." He shook his head and smiled. Sehun knew he was that important to Kai. As they went back to the car, he noticed how Baekhyun didn't let go of Chanyeol's hand. There was definitely something going on between them. But they were surviving it. He wished they could too.
•
He got back to the house very tired and exhausted. The encounter with Tao didn't clear anything, but it sure did leave another question in his head. However it felt to him as if the answer is so close. The answer is right in front of him, he just couldn't see it yet. Who was he?
Kai came home early the same day. He found Sehun lying on his bed, eyes closed and breathing shallow. He took a seat near his head, stopping himself halfway to caressing his hair. He didn't want to wake him up. Kai, even though tired and exhausted himself, didn't want to leave the room yet. It's been a few days since they've talked normally. He wasn't going to deny that he's noticed how Sehun seldom looks at him anymore. How he doesn't incline his body towards him anymore. How he never asks him to stay in his room anymore. How he has completely avoided Kai whenever he tries to come closer. He doesn't want to think of a reason why. He considers Sehun's situation. He thinks he must be tired from all of it. It's been hard on him anyway. He didn't want to be selfish and ask for more attention from him, not when he's trying his best to help him solve the case he seriously wants to finally end. Instead he understands him and comforts him, that's probably the best he could give to assist him. He sighed. Sehun stirred and opened his eyes to find Kai sitting next to him.
"You're awake." He stated the obvious, caught off guard in the middle of analysing his sentiments. Sehun sat up, pulling the sheets closer to him as the airconditioner blew cool air around the room.
"How was today?" Kai smiled and inquired about his little expedition with Chanyeol earlier.
"It's fine." Sehun answered shortly, resting his face on top of his knees.
Kai watched him with his tired eyes. It's been going on for awhile, Sehun being silent and less lively. He worries. "I heard you met Baekhyun. Chanyeol's assigned diamond." It was obvious that Kai was trying to hold a conversation with him, but Sehun didn't seem to be in the mood to stay up longer to tell stories.
"Mm," was his short reply, still not looking straight at the other's eyes.
Kai knows when a person wants him to stay or not, and it's obviously the latter for him tonight. "I see. You must be tired. Try to get back to sleep, ok?" He stood and raised his hand to pat him on the head but stopped himself. He wasnt sure whether Sehun would still want him to touch him. Instead he let it fall to his side.
"Goodnight Sehun."
Sehun didn't respond, he only feels heavy around Kai. The fact that there's a strong feeling of guilt in his heart, he couldn't face him. He released the tension in him in the form of a sigh. Before Kai had gone through the door, just after he had turned the lights out, he turned back around.
"Sehun." He called from the dark in his room. "If there's a problem I'm always just here." His voice was steady, but there was something off at the way he was saying it. "Just here. If you still need me." He couldn't stop himself from adding that.
Sehun immediately understood what was off. It wasn't the tone of his voice. It was the meaning to it. Kai is hurt. And that's the only thing he needs to hurt too. He bit his lip.
Kai collapsed on his bed the moment his leg hit the frame. Nothing else was more tiring than what he does in the office. He knows his body couldn't cope anymore, but his determination keeps him going. He could endure all of it, except for one. Sehun. Without him he wouldn't be able to hold on. But Sehun himself was slipping away. He was gradually letting go. He didn't have an explanation for it. But his actions were enough to conclude it. He buried his face under his pillow. He didn't know it could be as complicated as this. He never knew the only thing that could let him down is his own feelings, something that he didn't have before he met Sehun. He ran his fingers through his hair before letting them fall to his sheets, palms balled up into fists.
"Kai." A faint voice echoed in his room. He flung his eyelids open and saw Sehun's figure standing in the middle of his room. He had his head bowed low, hesitant to look up at him.
He sat up. "What's wrong?" He automatically sounded worried.
"Can I stay with you?"
Kai felt something alive in his chest again.
"Is anything bothering you?" He moved as he gave space for Sehun. Sehun stood there for a moment before climing up beside him. He shook his head.
"Has there been anything troubling you lately?" Kai touched his chin to look into his eyes. "I won't ask if you don't want to tell me now."
"I'm sorry Kai." He broke into a small sob, earning a hug from the older. He embraced him tighter, finally feeling him, the first time in a few days. "I'm just scared." Sehun told him honestly.
Kai kissed his hair while Sehun pressed his face closer to his neck.
"It's okay. I get scared too." The older whispered as he hushed the tiny sobs from the boy in his arms.
"Of what?" Sehun can't imagine Kai being scared by anything. He has been the strong one between them ever since. He was the tree standing so firm and tall in their relationship. While he was the insecure weak one who only gathers strength, shade and protection from the tree.
"Of you turning your back on me." He said it casually, but in a way that made Sehun feel the sincerity in his voice. "It scared me each time. It makes me think you don't need me anymore." Kai masked the bitterness in his voice with a soft laugh. "I know I must be selfish saying these things..."
Sehun pressed his lips to the side of his mouth. If there's anything he couldn't stand, it's Kai mouthing his pain to him. Kai closed his eyes and rubbed the back of Sehun's head, his fingers tangling with a bit of his hair and he runs them through the smooth strands.
"But you're driving away the fear now. I'm not scared anymore." Kai whispered as they pressed their heads together, cheek to cheek.
"I won't ever turn my back on you." Sehun's voice shook, Kai tightened the embrace.
"Neither will I."
"You don't know me fully yet."
"The one I love is the Sehun now. Who you are in the past is the past. You're the new Sehun. Whoever you were, I don't care anymore. It's the who you are right now that's important."
Sehun didn't miss that part.
"The one you..." He broke away to look at him.
"The one I love." He cleared it. "I don't care if you don't feel the same yet. Or if you won't feel that way at all ever, but I'm saying it anyway."
"You have no idea." Sehun darted him a look. And then he leaned in and reached for his lips.
Kai kissed him back gently, caressing his face with his hands before laying him down carefully.
Time slowed down for them. Kai didn't rush anything. He focused solely on his lips, dragging them slowly and taking them in. The warmth provided by Sehun's soft ones, the breath they shared at each opening of their mouths, the message conveyed by the rolling of their tongues, and the assurance they received sealed by their kisses. It was enough to cover all the hardships they're both going through. Sehun, the struggle of knowing the truth about himself. Kai, even though he pushed it to the back of his mind, the notice he received that morning in the office to drop the case and leave everything to the higher officials. He lied to Sehun. It wasn't just Sehun turning his back on him that scares him, it was also him being forced to leave Sehun that scares him. But he couldn't say it, he just can't.
•
Kai tucked the curtains together as he gets up from his bed. Blocking the sunrays passing through his window onto the sleeping form beside him. He pulled the covers higher to Sehun's chest and pushed his hair away from his face. He planted a kiss on his forehead before getting off of his bed. He watched Sehun for a few more minutes before going to the shower.
He dreaded going to the office the most. All he needs is the order and he's out of Sehun's life. The officials promised him of a different promotion if he takes the new case at hand and gives Sehun's case to the higher ones. But they made it clear that if Kai declines, he'd never be promoted for the next years of his service. It only meant he'll never reach his dreams. The real reason why he took the case in the first place. He wasn't really given an option. He left the house with a last look at Sehun. Not knowing if at the end of the day, he'll still be going home to him.
Sehun woke up to an empty house. As he left the room, the aroma of food welcomed him. Kai had prepared a luscious meal for him, Sehun knows that it's more special than his past dishes. He smiled to himself as he positioned himself in front of the table before taking a bite on his first meal of the day.
His day turned well unlike the past ones where he had to avoid Kai. Their talk last night gave him strength once again and Sehun decided that he would face whatever that's haunting him in the past. Especially since Kai told him that he doesn't care whoever he was before, even if he knows Kai might be surprised if he finds out that he's been used to kill someone in the past. Sehun must have had a rough life with the syndicate, but he's free now. Kai showed him the light. He's free. And now he'll do everything to help him end this, together with Kai, he's not afraid.
He took out the piece of paper Tao gave him that day. He unfolded it and studied the code written by hand on it. It was a combination of numerical and alphabet letters. Each with a relation to the next character. There were red circles around one number in each line. It must be the passcode to the safe.
The safe. He remembered. The safe is with the syndicate. Sehun didn't know how he had thought of that, but he was sure. The safe is in the syndicate's possession. It contained the money that they had taken from the Japanese drug dealers. Sehun's head ached for a while. Suddenly his memory was coming back to him. He processed a lot of things in his head. The safe is the root of all these. The safe is what the Japanese party is after. The safe is what the syndicate has been protecting. The safe is what Sehun is guarding. As a diamond, the safe is what he's been holding. But there was a glitch in Sehun's memory. If Tao, as the mastermind, has the code all this time, the one thing the drug dealers have been looking for and the one thing the syndicate actually wants to keep away from them, why would Tao give it to him? If the code is the most important, why make things complicated and let him have it? He'd have no more part in the syndicate if he never had the code. He's never had to be pursued by all of them if he was not useful. Sehun clutched the side of his head as the pain intensified.
He turned the paper around to take the code away from his eyes. The code that's bringing him back the memories. Sehun rested his head in his two hands. He can't bear the pain anymore, it's blinding him. And then on the bottom right side of the paper, he saw a tiny scribble. He looked at it with half-lidded eyes. It's a penmanship familiar to him. Too familiar it sent a surge of memories coming at him. He screamed as the pain felt like cracking his head open. His face reflected the whites of his eyes. And there in his head reflected the name written on the paper.