Absentia - Part V
Title: Absentia
Pairing: Sehun/Kai; minor!(Sehun/Tao, Kai/Luhan, Sehun/Kris); slight!Sehun/Yixing
Rated: R
Summary: Sehun wishes to see the future. He unknowingly jumps in time and loses five years in the past. Slowly, he realizes, he didn't only lose time. He lost a lot.
A Sunday morning, Sehun receives another of those daily reminders from Yixing. He's supposed to make an exclusive launch for next month's edition in the company, and he hasn't started on anything yet. He knows that they're probably stuck up on his desk, before the waking-up-5-years-after incident, and he promised himself to check on it the next morning.
He wonders how he copes with life. When he's so busy at work, how does he balance his social life? He checks his phone to see a dozen messages left unread from this certain Stranger. He has never even tried talking to him ever since that one confusing morning and it makes him feel guilty all of a sudden. What if this person is an important one? What if he's--
Sehun hovers his finger above a random message from the Stranger, Kris he said, K he wrote in his notes. He opens the message and found a quite lengthy and angry text.
What the fuck happened to you? At least answer my calls! You know I'm at France for weeks, I can't check on you. You ditched that appointment, how the fuck am I going to know if anything's wrong? Send me a message asap!
The message, even though rudely constructed, meant no harm and just pure concern. Sehun bites his lip from reading it and thinks that he probably is actually worried for him. The old Sehun may not know him, but he might not be just a someone to the new one. He searched his head for a reply and an apology while he clicks on his other messages. Reading a more recent one, the little guilt that built up in him crumbles in a second.
I miss the fucks.
What the fuck?
He chucks his phone on his pillow and buries his head under another. He is going crazy, he's definitely going crazy. Tao refused to talk to him about the past. He made excuses like he can't be the one to tell, nor he can say anything about it. However, Sehun didn't even insist. The hurt that enveloped him that day was too powerful for him to even argue with Tao. Moreover, he's not sure if he's ready to hear it either. He didn't go through a break up with Kai, as far as his memory can go, yet they're done, and he's over it. But he isn't.
Should he give up?
"This is the portfolio you arranged before you, uh, don't remember anything." Yixing places a dummy magazine on top of all the papers on his desk. It's quite bulky and dull.
He runs a finger on the cover that's of a 3 gentlemen in suits, two facing each other while the other had his back turned from another. That's it.
"How long was it thought of?"
"2-3 days."
Sehun raises an eyebrow.
"Isn't that too rushed?"
"You ordered everyone to come up with their best ideas over night." Yixing responds. "I mean, you were being a professional." He amends quickly.
The tone of his voice made Sehun think what kind of person the new Sehun is. As if that statement should have offended him. But he's just confused.
"Am I that strict?"
He didn't answer.
Sehun flips the pages til the end and found nothing interesting at all. He has a lot of ideas, but none of them were in what he made. Closing the dummy, Sehun looks up at Yixing.
"I'd like to try again."
"Pardon?"
"Let's rebuild the ideas. I don't like this."
His secretary looks at him seriously. The launch is not far from now and if this doesn't work, they're going to be screwed. The upper officials are expecting something as big as the last. But lately, he can't deny it, he's liking his boss. Maybe, this is something new.
A smile spreads across his face. "That's a good idea."
"We don't have much time, and remaking this whole edition means we're going to have to ask the staff to do work over time. Plus we might need to hire a few more, our resident main photographer has taken leave as well."
"Do we have people on the waiting list?"
"We do." Yixing nods.
Sehun wonders if Yixing ever set him up. He doesn't understand how he ended up working with the man he was trying to avoid with all the strength he has. Yixing denies that he did it on purpose but tells him that this man on the list has a good reputation and has done most successful underground photos for other magazines. Sehun couldn't help feeling proud, that's how long he has gotten to in the past 5 years. But how is he going to face him now? Kim Jongin, he sighs.
They arrived at the location early and the crew started setting up the things needed for the shoot. Sehun wanted the next feature to be light, colorful, and warm. So much the opposite of what he made a few weeks back. He holds a clipboard in his hand as he watched the few men putting up the lightings and props up.
"I guess you have to talk it out with the photographer to get the best outcome." Yixing adviced with a smile.
It's not Sehun's first time to feel nervous. But it felt as if it is the first. There was an awkward atmosphere in the first few takes. Sehun talked mostly to the models than to the photogrpaher himself, making him hear his suggestions and critics at every shot.
Kai pauses and raises his eyebrow at the latest comment.
"Sir." Kai emphasized on the word. "Maybe you can tell me how you picture the magazine so I can relate."
Sehun flushed red.
"Of course." He said and bit his lip as he explained.
Kai worked professionally with everyone. The shots he took were all great and Sehun is more than satisfied. By the time they came to their next location, they've been speaking to each other normally.
And slowly, it just felt like they're back. It wasn't hard to talk to Kai, he's natural and he tells him what he thinks. Kai knows what he wants, and that's one trait Sehun likes about him. Out of a lot more others.
"So," Sehun starts while they pack up. "How long have you and Luhan..." He trails off.
"About a year." Kai shrugs.
"Ah." Sehun blinks at the ground.
"Sehun." Kai turns to him. He looks up immediately, hiding the slight hurt stinging his eyes.
"By the way." Sehun interrupts. "About the last time, I'm sorry I didn't properly say goodbye. I mean, I was just confused. Maybe."
Kai pursed his lips. He wanted to ask why he acted like that, but he can't seem to do it. 4 years should have been enough for them to move on.
"I don't understand anything to be honest. I woke from a sleep five years ago. It just... I was overwhelmed."
"You don't really remember anything?"
Sehun shakes his head. "Maybe I did so much bad things that my self decided to forget it." He laughed at himself but Kai didn't.
"It must be hard on you. I'm so--"
"It's not your fault." Sehun cut him and dismissed the topic. Kai understands where he's coming from. How would one feel when he wakes up to something entirely different from what he had before he went to sleep? Things definitely could change in an instant. Just as how Sehun had changed so much before. Fortunately, he doesn't remember.
Yixing congratulated Sehun with a happy face.
"You were the best, boss."
"Don't call me that."
He grins.
"You and that Kim Jongin had great chemistry."
Sehun looks at his secretary suspiciously.
"Did you somehow know anything about my private life?"
"No, not really." Yixing answered honestly. "You never really let me."
"Really?" Sehun frowns at that. "I don't understand why we never became friends before."
"You had a lot in your head then?" Yixing offers.
"Maybe." Sehun finally concludes.
"How about a shot?"
"What?"
"Kim Jongin." He calls and Kai looks at them with his camera in his hand.
"One shot with boss?" Yixing calls out.
Kai puts his camera on his face. Yixing laughs and pulls Kai to them.
"No, I meant you and him." He takes the camera from his hands and pushes Kai to Sehun where his boss has only looked like fresh tomatoes at his sceretary, perhaps the latest good friend he gained, who's pushing them together.
"What are you--"
"Stand straight!" Yixing demands.
Kai did, placing a hand on the other's waist comfortably.
"Now say cheese!"
Sehun smiles shyly while Kai looks at the camera with a natural one.
Sehun shakes his head.
"Yixing come here and take the pic with us!"
"Okay!" He signaled with his fingers as he shoved the camera to another staff before he ran back to his happy boss. Maybe, he likes his boss a lot more now than before.
•
To say that Sehun is seeing Kai almost everyday is an understatement. Even eating lunch with Kai, sometimes with Yixing tagging along through Sehun's invitation, is already a habit. But Sehun calls it a professional meeting when they see each other in the morning, a business lunch out when they go out to eat at noon, and just pure work when they end til the afternoon. He wants to stay as professional as he is, just as how Kai is taking it as well. Work is work and according to Sehun, he cares for the welfare of the magazine the most. Which is true, he convinces himself.
"I just need to add the final touches and the last photos. Does it look okay?" Sehun hands the dummy magazine to Kai who looks at him in confusion before taking it.
"I don't really have a say." Kai says, hesitating to look at it. He isn't normally asked to skim through a magazine model for his opinion.
"I just want to know what other people think of it. Plus you took most of the photos there so you should at least see how they're used."
Kai shrugs. The cover already has a huge difference from the first, which impresses Kai. He knows Sehun has a liking towards colors and vibrant auras, from four years ago, and he's surprised that he finally used it for this edition. Usually he comes up with a black and white look, as he has observed from the past Diamaunt issues. It gives off a different feel now. Still high-fashion, but lighter, warmer, and and more appealing. To Kai, it feels as if the Sehun he's seeing now is the Sehun he used to love. He missed that feeling, the admiration he had for him, the appreciation that has always been in him for him. He blinks. It's a pity they had to end.
"Kai? So how is it?" Sehun asks worriedly as Kai stared blankly at the magazine.
Kai shakes his thoughts away. What is he even thinking? He's got Luhan, the person who held him to the ground, who helped him move on, who patiently waited til he was ready. In other words, Luhan is the only person who kept him sane.
"Good."
"Just good?"
"Great. I mean, it's different. A good change. I bet people will take this the positive way." Kai finishes as his thoughts scatter and Sehun gives him a smile, taking the magazine from his hand, their palms lightly brushing up.
When Kai said people will take it the positive way, he was right. He is right.
The exclusive pre-launch is successful, and the executive board approved of the new change as well as the new look of Diamaunt. They congratulated Sehun in advance for coming up with a drastic change for the magazine, saying they've always wanted to do it but the idea is always turned down because no one can pull it off so well unlike he did. He received a few more compliments from the bosses and a thumbs up to keep up the good work before the event has ended and that signals that Sehun and his staff can already breathe properly.
Sehun is all smiles when they walked back to the office, proudly tucking the magazine under his arm, before he announced to his whole area that work is cut off early and everyone can come to the victory party.
A few cheers come from his employees and Yixing runs off to book a bar near the building.
"Kai," Sehun looks up at him with gleeful eyes. "Thank you! I wouldn't have done it without you."
Kai shakes his head.
"Stay for the party."
He hesitates for a moment.
"Sure."
The balcony area at the upper level of the bar becomes crowded as Sehun's employees flock everywhere, tables all occupied by their bags and drinks, most of them tipsy and others just completely drunk deep in the night. Yixing refuses to drink as he sits on an isolated table away from most of the guests and staff. Across him is Kai who hasn't touched his drink either. In between them is Sehun who pours them a drink and urges them to take a sip even for just a few times.
Yixing politely declines and gives his boss a slight smile.
Both can tell that Sehun isn't in his normal state anymore, however he can hold his alcohol well, so they're definitely sure he isn't drunk yet. Nonetheless, he's become a little more persistent and annoying for the past hour.
"Come on, Yixing. We're friends aren't we?" He shoved a glass of tequila under his nose but Yixing pushes his hand down slowly, scrunching his nose up at the unpleasant strong smell.
"Kai." Sehun turns to him when he figures he's not gonna get the other to drink and decides to just try again later. "Drink."
Kai sighs. With a defeated glance at Yixing, he takes the glass from Sehun's hand, the smile on their tipsy 'boss' shoots up, and washes his throat down with the whole content of it. It's not like he never drinks, but he can't come home to Luhan smelling awful and wasted. After all, he doesn't want to worry him nor trouble him. But he can't just ignore the pout that Sehun unconsciously puts up whenever either of them refuses him, not to mention the small annoyed face that's close to throwing tantrums that he puts up while one of them says no. It's unbelievingly cute and annoying at the same time.
"Good Kai!" Sehun pats him on the back before glaring at his innocent secretary. "Yi~xing."
Kai gave him a there's-nothing-you-could-do look as he leans on the couch and feels the heat stuck up in his throat. It makes him want to drink again.
"If Yixing doesn't want it, I'll take it for him." Kai reaches for the next glass and swigs it up to his lips.
It repeats for a few more rounds and Sehun is finally feeling his limbs numb, realizing just how exhausted he is from the day's work. Yixing excuses himself later on, leaving him and Kai on the table alone. Surprisingly, Kai is better than Sehun in holding his alcohol.
Silence.
"Can I have a word with you?" It was Kai who spoke up and Sehun almost didn't hear him clearly.
Kai inclines his head to a door that leads outside from the 2nd level and Sehun follows him a few seconds after.
Closing the door behind them, they were greeted by bright city lights. They're in the heart of the city after all. Sehun blocks his eyes from the blinding lights and that's the only movement they made so far. Kai stands before the railing with his back on Sehun, placing his hand up on the cool metal bars while Sehun leans on the wall to keep himself from falling in case he takes a wrong step. He's feeling a little dizzy and he knows the alcohol is kicking in.
"How do you not remember anything?" Kai wraps his palm on the black metal bar, gripping it tightly while he waits for his answer. It feels unfair how Sehun could act so freely around him without any feeling of guilt within him. And it feels more unfair how he can't stop himself from being pulled to him every time, again. Is it all an act? So he can just get back to terms with Kai without actually making an effort? He wants to get mad at this idea but he knows it's not that. He knows it's not an act, but that's all that comes to his mind anyway.
"I don't know." Comes Sehun's soft voice. For a second, he seemed normal, sober in fact.
Kai turns around to look at him. He wanted to know how but he knows he's only getting the same answer.
When he didn't say anything more, Sehun continues with what he has always been telling him.
"I just woke up one day without you beside me. 5 years to be exact. I woke up 5 years after." His voice neither shook nor wavered that could imply that he's lying. He looks at Kai's eyes seriously.
"As crazy as it may sound, but I guess it's the falling stars that night. I made a wish and that wish came true. Although this is not what I was expecting to happen."
"I lost a lot of time. And now, it's clear to me, that I lost you too."
"I wish I never made that wish, Kai. I wish I never did."
Kai breaks away from his gaze and looks down. It's not an explanation. That can't happen just like that. Sehun can't lose everything just like that.
"Kai." Sehun's voice fades with the cold air. But before Kai knows it, he's advancing on him. It gets him over the edge every time he calls his name. Every single time.
It's been 4 years since anyone called him Kai. Only Sehun calls him that. It's Sehun who wanted it anyway.
Sehun inhales heavily when he feels Kai close to him, his warm breath mixing with his in the cold night in between them. He exhales once until everything he sees is his eyes looking straight at his.
"Why can't you remember a thing?"
The question is left unanswered as Sehun closes the gap between them with his lips. The bubbles in his head overpowering his thinking and he lets out a surprise gasp when Kai responds urgently, pressing him on the wall with his own body leaning in closer. A hand reaches up to Sehun's cheek, cupping the side of his face to kiss him better. Sehun's palm flies to the hand that's caressing his face while his other holds Kai's waist tighter and pulls him closer. Kai slips in a tongue at the slightest chance he had when he rubbed a thumb on his bottom lip, exploring deep into his mouth, giving him slow wet strides along the roof of his cavern before looping with Sehun's curling one. He tastes of mint and alcohol which calms Kai's senses and finally numbing him. A slurping sound came out when he whips his head away to allow themselves to take in oxygen for a few seconds before digging back onto each other's lips.
A soft moan that came from Sehun's throat echoes in their ears while Kai shifts to his neck, gently nibbling on the sensitive skin he knows too well. Sehun digs his hands deeper into Kai's hips, his breath getting heavier and heavier as Kai trails lower til he reaches his collarbone.
"Kai." He calls out and suddenly Kai stiffens and pulls away almost immediately.
Sehun catches his breath with his slightly parted lips, staring at Kai disappointedly. But he mouths no words.
"I'm sorry." Kai shifts his gaze back to the city lights, his back facing Sehun again.
Sehun bites his lip to control his emotions that's currently in a mess. He wants to continue, but is scared that Kai would reject him straightforwardly.
"I guess I had too much to drink." Kai speaks in a whisper that Sehun just wished he didn't hear the regret in his voice.
They just stared ahead of them for a few long minutes of silence. Sehun's panting has calmed down and all he's left with is confusion. There are just too many questions in his head, yet he doesn't know which to ask. Or where to start with.
Kai softens up after a few minutes, silently watching the cars rounding up the next street.
"I'm sorry." It's Sehun's turn this time. He doesn't know what for, he's not sorry at all. He knows he wants it and he's only grateful it happened. But the look in Kai's eyes makes a churn in his stomach. He obviously regrets it, and pain shoots up at Sehun everytime he remembers that face.
"We both just had a bit too much to drink." He eats up his own words like a flaming ball, burning his insides until he can't breathe. He closes his eyes, scared to open them while they sting. Kai stays still with his back still turned.
Sehun fixes his coat before he claps both his hands. "Sorry that had to happen."
Suddenly his energy is coming back. Suddenly, he could move again. Perhaps he became stronger all those missing years. Maybe he can still endure this kind of pain.
He steps closer to the rail, the cold surface sending little shocks to Sehun's skin but he bites it back, this pain doesn't even compare to what he's feeling now.
"Let's just forget it." Sehun offers without looking at Kai, forcing a smile on his face.
Kai looks down on his hands and feels guilt wash over him. Guilt of doing this to Luhan. Guilt of doing this to Sehun. He remains silent.
Out of habit, Sehun sneakily swipes a finger under Kai's nose to get a reaction. But Kai, although shocked at the sudden action, just looked back at him with surprised eyes. The smile on Sehun's face faded. He couldn't count how many times he's done that to him. And every single time, Kai would react to it by sneezing. He always does.
"You're not sensitive to it anymore." Sehun points it out for himself more than to him.
Kai blinks and realizes what he's talking about. He sighs.
"I'm just not that guy anymore."
*if there are lots of mistakes, give me time to edit it next time? :|