Hard feminist ideals on the inside, docile fluffiness on the outside
In recent years I have taken up "arms" with my fellow womanhood in the fight for equality with our fellow man. I have always felt innately that women should be treated on the same caliber as men, but now I am actively working towards that goal. Whenever someone ask for a "girl" or "boy" toy with their kid's meal at work, I say with controlled disgust that "we do not have gender biased toys". I read MS. magazine, volunteer at my local woman's center, and have discussions on feminism with my friends and coworkers. Unfortunately, even though "feminism is the radical idea that women are people", it is portrayed as men bashing, hairy legged, selfish women who would rather work their way up the corporate ladder then be a mommy. I don't feel that way, I love men, they make me happy (when they behave :P) I exercise regularly, eat relatively healthy and have good hygiene, and I look forward to having a family someday as well as being an awesome, influential teacher. These are all things I want for myself, but I wonder how much my ideals are influenced by culture and people around me. For example, I have an idea as to how I would like my body to look, but would that ideal change if I was living in another culture, were being a size 12 is preferable to a size 4? Not all of the messages that culture gives reach me, I am pale as Snow White herself, but would never slap $25 down a month so I can slowly kill my skin cells in order to have that perfect, orange glow (and I do mean orange, because that is how you look after tanning in a bed long enough) I wear make up every once in a while, but its mostly eye shadow and lip gloss, who wants to kiss a cake of foundation? And what are you going to do if the guy you are dating is under the impression that you look a certain way, and that to me seems like going around wearing a mask.
As for my daily dealings with those in my life, I am more shaky as to if I am really giving off the vibe I want to. On one hand, I very much respect myself, but I do feel as though I let people walk all over me in the name of keeping harmony. This especially seems to happen in my romantic relationships. I stayed for 2 years in a relationship that I knew was over because I was worried about my partner's feelings. Whenever I assert myself as feeling a way that is not appealing to the guy I am interested in, I feel like a failure. This behavior only makes me feel like I sold myself short once I have thought over what I had done, but I still repeat the same mistake, only repackaged. I like to think of myself as being able to be happy on my own terms, but I do rely on others to make me happy when I feel myself get depressed. I want so bad to find someone that understands me, and to understand and know them holistically, that would be my ideal mate. I feel as though maybe I should do more soul searching before I come down on myself so hard for what I think is living life half alive.
(Thank you to all who have read all of this! I know I need to refine my ideas and the way I express myself, and that is the purpose of my endeavoring on this journal! XD)
As for my daily dealings with those in my life, I am more shaky as to if I am really giving off the vibe I want to. On one hand, I very much respect myself, but I do feel as though I let people walk all over me in the name of keeping harmony. This especially seems to happen in my romantic relationships. I stayed for 2 years in a relationship that I knew was over because I was worried about my partner's feelings. Whenever I assert myself as feeling a way that is not appealing to the guy I am interested in, I feel like a failure. This behavior only makes me feel like I sold myself short once I have thought over what I had done, but I still repeat the same mistake, only repackaged. I like to think of myself as being able to be happy on my own terms, but I do rely on others to make me happy when I feel myself get depressed. I want so bad to find someone that understands me, and to understand and know them holistically, that would be my ideal mate. I feel as though maybe I should do more soul searching before I come down on myself so hard for what I think is living life half alive.
(Thank you to all who have read all of this! I know I need to refine my ideas and the way I express myself, and that is the purpose of my endeavoring on this journal! XD)