Time.....

[seigzero]

I should be sleeping. 3:35..I should be sleeping. I'm still awake. I need a good healthy dose of the Pumpkins. That's always been good therapy. I've got way too many problems, and those thoughts are in my head again. Those voices that tell me what a pleasure it would be if I could just hurt a certain someone who I wish would just disappear. I hate. I hate. I need to leave Heakin. I HAVE to find another job. I MUST find another job or I fear that I'm going to freak out again, and I've tried so hard not to let myself go but it's getting harder now. I have to leave. I have to leave that place. I should write. I should listen to some Pumpkins. It's always been good therapy. I'm a better therapist to myself than any therapist I've ever had. I can't do this anymore. My rose tries to help she tries so hard but I have to fix myself. I'm not going to dump my shit on her. She has enough problems of her own without me doing that to her. I have to fix myself so I can help fix her. She needs me, and I HAVE to be strong. I have to be strong for her so that she can help herself instead of trying to help me because I'm so messed up sometimes, and I feel like I just keep falling over and over again. I have to get back up. I've always said that people should never give up no matter how hopeless it seems, but my voices are back in full swing. They both encourage and abuse me. I love and hate them. It's an odd relationship, and I realize that everyone has inner dialogue, but does everyone's inner dialogue have a personality...do they yell and berate then encourage. This job is changing me into what I've tried so hard to not be anymore. I don't want to be depressed anymore. I don't want this. I have to stop it somehow but I don't no how. Just keep pushing on. Keep trying. Keep trying and it'll be cool. I can't sleep. I've got to keep trying. Job hunt. Job hunt. Think positively. Just mental notes for me to calm myself down and talk myself up. I need to start writing again. I need to realize why I love my methods of release because I've not used them for release in some time. music then sleep.

I survived the downward spiral.
I've been lifted back up.
See the sun it's fading away
Dawn to dusk to eclipse to grey
I leave this place
To find some peace
Once again opting for sweet release
From this
Silent killer that haunts me
Laughs at me and taunts me
I'm just not good enough
It's so dark inside I can see it
Choking when I breathe it
I thought it was gone
It's been there all along
Waiting for the coming fall
To take me down again
Down and down and down
I still looked up
Saw life and light disappear
Beyond all hopes and fears
I still fly
Down but up.
Never hitting bottom
Cling to that last piece of the sun
I can't let go