The return to self is the most difficult part of any adventure.

[sehlatbear]

She had worked with the Montgomery Scott of this universe and she had worked alone. However, Spock’s tendency toward solitary work, pushing far past the limits of human capability and nearly her own, had finally paid off

Comments

[original_fine]

It was hard for Jim to keep that undercurrent of sexuality from his thoughts, his being as transmitted through the bond to Spock. It was part of who he was, part of the thing that unconsciously informed his every interaction. But he was conscious of it now. Or at least, of the potential discomfort it might cause, with Spock returned to himself and so sensitive to the difference, while he himself, though perhaps he should be eager to return to himself, felt no similar urgency.

Indeed, he was trying with uncertain success to suppress the ridiculous notion that his more lascivious self had grasped, relating to their current sexual configuration, and the opportunity presented. It seemed a shame, though he couldn't think why, considering he gave no greater credence to heterosexual relations in general. Bones, too, had tacitly opted out of such activity, and he could only conclude that him being different was disturbing enough that the sexual aspect was muted.

Maybe he needed to see someone about the amount of sex he apparently wanted, of late.

As it was, he swallowed, forcing the thoughts away and leaning his forehead against Spock's shoulder, eyes closed.

"I should, um, get on that whole 'getting fixed' thing," he said finally. He didn't feel broken.

[sehlatbear]

Jim's mind, when they were in close contact, was transparent, his thoughts easily read as his emotions broadcast themselves in bold colors. Even so, Spock was surprised. Not entirely opposed - though he had his reservations.

"Jim, you are not broken. And if you desire intercourse, you need only ask."

[original_fine]

That surprised a laugh out of him. He really was transparent, wasn't he? Even, he suspected, without a direct conduit to his thoughts and feelings.

"If I asked every time I desired intercourse, Spock, I'd never have had time to make captain. It can't be normal. But it's not--I mean, I don't require intercourse. It can wait until I'm the me you're more familiar with."

Even so. He glanced up at Spock, trying to read the mix of emotions coming from him.

"But if you were curious, Spock, it seems like too good an opportunity to let go to waste. You never know when your bonded lifemate will afford you the chance to see how the other half lives again."

And now broached, he couldn't help but think specifically about the feeling of Spock filling him like that, of feeling his own body cradling his lover through the link.

[sehlatbear]

"The human male is, biologically, programmed to be obsessed with sex. This has been a well-known fact of your species for hundreds of years."

Spock was turning toward Jim, though, his body more relaxed, more open somehow - perhaps it was simply a perception passed through the bond. He did not entirely close the distance between them, though.

"I did not care for intercourse. It was not unpleasant from a strictly physical standpoint. However, it was quite disconcerting."

[original_fine]

So, as a biological female, then, he was just a freak? Jim thought with amusement.

He wasn't going to press the issue. Not if Spock really wasn't interested. But this, too, had him curious.

"Yes, I wondered about that," he said. "You may not be unaware that I'm very fond of it. But I couldn't quite grasp what it was that upset you." He wondered if Spock was any better able to explain it, now.

[sehlatbear]

Spock was always interested. It was one of the things that made him Spock, a constant interest in the world around him. And in the Jim beside him, regardless of form.

"My data sample was rather small, perhaps too small to be of use for consistent data analysis. However, with Len, with whom I shared some sense of self, there was a strange vulnerability, as thought my feelings were not entirely my own to control. The physical stimulation was pleasant, though not so pleasant that the implied impending lack of control was acceptable. Indeed, the constant need to maintain control detracted from the physical experience. This was not the result when I attempted intercourse with your mirror self."

[original_fine]

Thinking about Spock and James was not entirely pleasant, but neither did it bother Jim overly, at this point. It was done, and he understood--intellectually--what Spock had been seeking.

Even if he didn't quite get the difference.

"You had some emotional investment with Len and me involved," he said. "And not with James. But where I'm puzzled is how this is different from your biologically male self. After all, one goal of intercourse--though by no means a necessary one--is the loss of control. In some measure."

[sehlatbear]

Now he had the slightly pricky air of a Vulcan who had been denied proper scientific method.

"I was unable to gather enough data to ascertain the reason for this. My hypothesis is that it involves the nature of penetration in context of being a receptive female partner. The loss of emotional control is felt more keenly as a female, perhaps. I am uncertain. I had desired to conduct a trial of anal intercourse but your own displeasure spurred me to accelerate my quest for a transporter solution."

[original_fine]

Jim frowned slightly, his free hand petting Spock's arm absently.

"I'm sorry, Spock," he said. "I didn't mean for you to feel that. It wasn't displeasure. Confusion, more like. My own uncertainty. I wish we'd been able to talk about it."

[sehlatbear]

Spock arched a brow. "Jim, I am aware of your relief at my transformation. And that you were perturbed at my female self."

[original_fine]

"Of course you are," Jim said. "I doubt I could hide it, even without the bond. But there's a difference between feeling what I feel and directly affecting your actions--I'm relieved, because you feel more like you. But I regret causing you discomfort."

[sehlatbear]

Spock moved the arm that Jim was petting, placed it carefully around Jim's delicate shoulders. Human females were - Spock recalled with some clarity the contrast between human and Vulcan female bodies - less robust of skeleton. It would be unfortunate to injure his mate in this form.

"Jim, you have nothing to regret. It was this impetus that spurred me to find a solution."

Jim felt very small at Spock's side. It was quite interesting.

[original_fine]

"Hmm," Jim hummed. He felt Spock's interest now, unfocused and not necessarily sexual as it was. But he was not so delicate, of body or spirit.

"Then good," he said. His relief was due to concern, too. "No ill effects?" he asked. "Physically, I mean." He slid his arm around Spock's middle. The size difference wasn't so noticeable to him, who had had Len to compare himself to, but it was still interesting to feel that warm body dwarfing his.

[sehlatbear]

They fit together entirely differently. Jim slotted under his arm comfortable and yet Jim's arm still fit around his waist. Fascinating. He reveled, as always, in the touch between them. And found himself wondering about Jim's skin, if it was the same.

"The balance issues seem to be righting themselves. I will, most inevitably, require a thorough examination when Leonard becomes available. However, I am certain of my wellness."

[original_fine]

Jim's smile turned sly--even if Spock couldn't see it, the turn of his mind would be obvious. No change, really, in thoughts, but intentions.

"I could make a preliminary examination," he offered. Spock had never been attracted to women, so far as Jim could tell. But as he'd mentioned, the opportunity was unique. "Just so we're sure."

[sehlatbear]

Spock should have expected it from Jim - it was their usual manner together, after all.

"Perhaps that would be wise. It would be unfortunate to be mistaken."