life..
so i'm at the point where there is one thing that makes me happy. music.
i'm also at the point where i'm thinking what the fuck am i gunna do with music?
i'm not sure that i really want to teach anymore. i wanted to for so long, but it's gotten to the point where i just want to play my instrument and be happy forever. the problem is, it's tough doing strictly performance on euphonium. the only place i would be able to get a job as a euphonium player is military and god knows i'm not gunna be doing that. this shit is causing me so much stress right now. that and the fact that i know i'm not doing as well as i should be in my classes. i'm dropping history, which probably isn't smart caz that's just another thing that'll keep me from graduating on time, and music history is anally raping me. apparently dr. rice wants to talk to me about it, but i don't really feel like talkin to him and i kind of need to give him an answer at some point.
i really wanna find a drummer for our band. that would make me happy. where are we gunna find a fuckin black metal drummer in the middle of ct? it just doesn't seem possible. if we actually got this thing going it would give me a reason to be motivated because it's something that i want to do.
as much as i love uconn, i'm not sure it's where i want to be. it's where i'm supposed to be, yes, and it's where everybody expects me to be. but what if i want a little more risk in my life? what if i want some danger? some uncertainty? i do. and that might be part of the reason i've been slacking so much. i'm really tired of being so dependable. i'm tired of everyone relying on me. i want to be able to fuck up once in a while. i want it to be so that my parents can't brag about everything that i do. i want to be a person who takes more risks and not let other peoplpe influence the way i live.
being back in ny really is not good for me. at least at uconn i have ways of diverting these thoughts and not letting them weigh me down, but here there is nothing. my friends are at school. my parents just pressure me more. i really just can't deal with it. i was getting bitched at earlier because i haven't been going to church every single sunday. since when do i need to go to church to believe in god? why can't anyone let me make my own decisions? i'm a big girl now. i'm pretty damn capable of doing what's best for me. that's why i'm in school, isn't it?
maybe i'm looking at this the wrong way. maybe i should just do what's expected of me. i'll have a secure future. i'll be making money. but will i be happy? i just want to be happy, and i don't think taking a bunch of bullshit courses is gunna be able to do that for me. why can't life just be about making music and not all the other bullshit that comes along with it? college kids go through so much shit, and i'm starting to wonder how most of us survive. maybe it's just me.
i need to go back home. being in ny isn't good for me.
i'm also at the point where i'm thinking what the fuck am i gunna do with music?
i'm not sure that i really want to teach anymore. i wanted to for so long, but it's gotten to the point where i just want to play my instrument and be happy forever. the problem is, it's tough doing strictly performance on euphonium. the only place i would be able to get a job as a euphonium player is military and god knows i'm not gunna be doing that. this shit is causing me so much stress right now. that and the fact that i know i'm not doing as well as i should be in my classes. i'm dropping history, which probably isn't smart caz that's just another thing that'll keep me from graduating on time, and music history is anally raping me. apparently dr. rice wants to talk to me about it, but i don't really feel like talkin to him and i kind of need to give him an answer at some point.
i really wanna find a drummer for our band. that would make me happy. where are we gunna find a fuckin black metal drummer in the middle of ct? it just doesn't seem possible. if we actually got this thing going it would give me a reason to be motivated because it's something that i want to do.
as much as i love uconn, i'm not sure it's where i want to be. it's where i'm supposed to be, yes, and it's where everybody expects me to be. but what if i want a little more risk in my life? what if i want some danger? some uncertainty? i do. and that might be part of the reason i've been slacking so much. i'm really tired of being so dependable. i'm tired of everyone relying on me. i want to be able to fuck up once in a while. i want it to be so that my parents can't brag about everything that i do. i want to be a person who takes more risks and not let other peoplpe influence the way i live.
being back in ny really is not good for me. at least at uconn i have ways of diverting these thoughts and not letting them weigh me down, but here there is nothing. my friends are at school. my parents just pressure me more. i really just can't deal with it. i was getting bitched at earlier because i haven't been going to church every single sunday. since when do i need to go to church to believe in god? why can't anyone let me make my own decisions? i'm a big girl now. i'm pretty damn capable of doing what's best for me. that's why i'm in school, isn't it?
maybe i'm looking at this the wrong way. maybe i should just do what's expected of me. i'll have a secure future. i'll be making money. but will i be happy? i just want to be happy, and i don't think taking a bunch of bullshit courses is gunna be able to do that for me. why can't life just be about making music and not all the other bullshit that comes along with it? college kids go through so much shit, and i'm starting to wonder how most of us survive. maybe it's just me.
i need to go back home. being in ny isn't good for me.