happy 4am..
i'm really effing pissed the FUCK OFF RIGHT NOW.
SO... i have to work tomorrow but i stay up till 2 am regardless... to see my baby because he is all that makes me happy in this fucked up world.. he is what helps me get through my long ass dreadful day of work and mindless drunken filler... i fought to stay up till 2 for him.. when he was supposed to get off, left on the garage light for him and everything so he would see and come in just incase i dozed off because it was getting hard to stay awake... WELL..
i dozed off and was awaken at 3 by a HORRIBLE feeling when i instantly realize that alan isn't next to me and that i once again fucked myself over by not waking up on time.. it was too late.
he called to say he would be 20 min late, my mom answered... told me a fucked up rendescion of his call bc she was half asleep "he might come over in the morning, he might come over now.. i don't remember what he said.." WELL DONT FUCKING TAKE A MESSAGE IF YOU ARNT GOING TO REMEMBER WHAT IT WAS!@ WHAT IS THE POINT THEN.
so i start fucking freaking out because that's the best part of my day.. laying in bed with him and i hate not fucking knowing.
i need to tell him that next time he says he is going to come over i don't care if he is late HE NEEDS TO COME OVER., i don't give a fuck what time as long as he is here.
don't talk to my mother and tell her something.. she isn't me...... she doesn't know what i want.
obviously.
now i want to stay awake all nite till i can see him in the morning because i am a stubborn son of a bitch.
lately matt has plagued my mind here and there... i don't know why.. little things remind me of the past. i want to recreate those feelings and more happy memories with alan but he is so shut off most of the time.. or it seems... i need to try to pull that out of him or bring it up to him at least because i really want us to feel complete together.. like i feel we can. i want to have hope in us. i want to believe.
i want so much it's a fucking joke.
i think that's been the problem most of my life... i always wake up and relieze things when it's too fucking late... i wonder if i'll ever be on time or if i've already destroyed my dreams.
all i know is i want to see alan and i can't and that disrupts me in so many fucking ways right now.
UGH!!!!!!!!
SO... i have to work tomorrow but i stay up till 2 am regardless... to see my baby because he is all that makes me happy in this fucked up world.. he is what helps me get through my long ass dreadful day of work and mindless drunken filler... i fought to stay up till 2 for him.. when he was supposed to get off, left on the garage light for him and everything so he would see and come in just incase i dozed off because it was getting hard to stay awake... WELL..
i dozed off and was awaken at 3 by a HORRIBLE feeling when i instantly realize that alan isn't next to me and that i once again fucked myself over by not waking up on time.. it was too late.
he called to say he would be 20 min late, my mom answered... told me a fucked up rendescion of his call bc she was half asleep "he might come over in the morning, he might come over now.. i don't remember what he said.." WELL DONT FUCKING TAKE A MESSAGE IF YOU ARNT GOING TO REMEMBER WHAT IT WAS!@ WHAT IS THE POINT THEN.
so i start fucking freaking out because that's the best part of my day.. laying in bed with him and i hate not fucking knowing.
i need to tell him that next time he says he is going to come over i don't care if he is late HE NEEDS TO COME OVER., i don't give a fuck what time as long as he is here.
don't talk to my mother and tell her something.. she isn't me...... she doesn't know what i want.
obviously.
now i want to stay awake all nite till i can see him in the morning because i am a stubborn son of a bitch.
lately matt has plagued my mind here and there... i don't know why.. little things remind me of the past. i want to recreate those feelings and more happy memories with alan but he is so shut off most of the time.. or it seems... i need to try to pull that out of him or bring it up to him at least because i really want us to feel complete together.. like i feel we can. i want to have hope in us. i want to believe.
i want so much it's a fucking joke.
i think that's been the problem most of my life... i always wake up and relieze things when it's too fucking late... i wonder if i'll ever be on time or if i've already destroyed my dreams.
all i know is i want to see alan and i can't and that disrupts me in so many fucking ways right now.
UGH!!!!!!!!