About swimming and something else I realized... (part 2)
Ok, here goes part 2. (I tried writing this all in Tagalog, but it was harder than I thought it would because I got used to thinking this way. Shame on me, I know. I will try to write some other entry mostly in Tagalog next time.)
So what was the other thing that I realized? That I have another fear, something that has a larger magnitude in my life than I would like to admit, and it has the same effect on me as the one that I had while on the boat. My fear... is of eventually living alone. Of not building a family with the one I love. Of not having children. Of not being part of a unit that you help create, nurture and grow. I could go on, but that's basically it. Of being alone.
It sounds silly, right? But there. I cannot decide with what I am to do with my life because I am frozen with fear that the path I want to take is the path that means I will give up the chance to have a family. In this day and age where women are more independent and have more opportunities to succeed in life like men have, I still want to take on the more traditional roles of a woman: wife and mother, on top of the other roles that I have: daughter, sister, teacher, friend. Why? I can't really explain, the reason that comes to mind is all about a need that I have in me to be part of my own family. (Saka ko na lang pag-isipan kung ano yun.)
What is the path that I want to take? I want to continue teaching. However, since the department aims to have an all-PhD faculty someday, this means I have to take my PhD. Unfortunately, the current statistics of female faculty members in the college who has a PhD, is planning on or taking their PhD are only divided into 2 possible scenarios. Either you get married before or during your PhD or you finish your PhD and you never get married at all. It's a sad fact of life that a lot of Filipino men are not attracted to women that intimidate them. Mukhang onti lang yung hindi ganun. Alam nyo naman yung Andres na joke di ba? Most men do not want to be associated with that. So when a woman gets her PhD, the myth states that only a man with a PhD (or some other rank that is just as high or higher) will do for that woman. (Oh sure, maraming ganun na libre pa. :P) That's the only reason why I hesitate to say with conviction that I am going to take my PhD. Not because I'm afraid of the work involved, but because once I start my PhD I know myself enough that I will really strive to finish it, no matter how hard it is. Not because I don't want to live alone abroad, but because I'm afraid that there is no one I will be going back home to.
A friend of mine said that I should stop worrying about the things that I can't control and instead concentrate on what I can do. My fear does include a lot of things that I have no hold of, but in trying to deal with it, my mind comes up with way too many scenarios that eventually brings me back to square one. Have I mentioned that I think way too much? I guess that doesn't help here.
Ang mahirap din kasi, hindi rin nakakatulong paminsan yung mga tao sa paligid ko para hindi mapako ang utak ko dito sa pag-iisip ng ganito. Cases in point: una, lahat na ng kasama ko sa lab ay ikinasal na or ikakasal na and people keep coming up to me and asking when will be mine. Pangalawa, random people that I meet keep asking why I'm single (this happened more than thrice already). Pangatlo, may makakita lang sa akin na may hawak na bata, ang tanong kaagad ay bakit di pa ako nagkaka-anak. Na-weirduhan talaga ako nung sinabi sa akin yun. Last, but definitely not the least, each and every time I go to the province or makausap ko lang ang isa sa mga tito or tita ko (ang dami pa naman nila), they only have one question in mind: bakit wala ka pa ring boyfriend? Tapos follow it up with ayaw mo na bang mag-asawa? Broken hearted ka pa rin ba ngayon? Nagagawa kong tawanan na lang ang sinasabi nila pero mahirap magpanggap. It's no wonder I sometimes think that there's something wrong with me for a lot of people to keep asking me these questions.
To tell you the truth, and this is where my realization has come full circle, all of these things would not matter at all, kahit na ilan pang tao ang magtanong sa akin kung bakit ang tanda ko na at mag-isa pa rin ako, if my faith on what will happen to my future is solid. That, no matter happens, God will be able to provide me with what I need, kahit na gaano pa katagal yun. Ikinalulungkot kong isipin at ikinagagalit ko sa aking sarili na ang lakas kong magsabi sa ibang tao to always have faith when my own has become shaky, to say the least. I have let my loneliness and what others say magnify my fear to the point that I have started doubting myself and Him.
So, as I mentioned in my previous post, to be able to conquer your fear, you need to understand where it comes from. And this I have done. Now I need to find the ways to overcome it.
Ayan, tapos na ang part 2. It's been hard to write about this, because it feels like a confession of sorts, and for most of the people who can read this post, you have never seen me or heard me this way. Pasensya na at napahaba na naman, pero may part 3 pa, because I'll try and talk about how do I get out of this and what do I finally decide to do. Any help that you give in my achieving this will be greatly appreciated. :) (Err, except for blind dates though, salamat na lang kung yun ang ibibigay nyo. :P)
So what was the other thing that I realized? That I have another fear, something that has a larger magnitude in my life than I would like to admit, and it has the same effect on me as the one that I had while on the boat. My fear... is of eventually living alone. Of not building a family with the one I love. Of not having children. Of not being part of a unit that you help create, nurture and grow. I could go on, but that's basically it. Of being alone.
It sounds silly, right? But there. I cannot decide with what I am to do with my life because I am frozen with fear that the path I want to take is the path that means I will give up the chance to have a family. In this day and age where women are more independent and have more opportunities to succeed in life like men have, I still want to take on the more traditional roles of a woman: wife and mother, on top of the other roles that I have: daughter, sister, teacher, friend. Why? I can't really explain, the reason that comes to mind is all about a need that I have in me to be part of my own family. (Saka ko na lang pag-isipan kung ano yun.)
What is the path that I want to take? I want to continue teaching. However, since the department aims to have an all-PhD faculty someday, this means I have to take my PhD. Unfortunately, the current statistics of female faculty members in the college who has a PhD, is planning on or taking their PhD are only divided into 2 possible scenarios. Either you get married before or during your PhD or you finish your PhD and you never get married at all. It's a sad fact of life that a lot of Filipino men are not attracted to women that intimidate them. Mukhang onti lang yung hindi ganun. Alam nyo naman yung Andres na joke di ba? Most men do not want to be associated with that. So when a woman gets her PhD, the myth states that only a man with a PhD (or some other rank that is just as high or higher) will do for that woman. (Oh sure, maraming ganun na libre pa. :P) That's the only reason why I hesitate to say with conviction that I am going to take my PhD. Not because I'm afraid of the work involved, but because once I start my PhD I know myself enough that I will really strive to finish it, no matter how hard it is. Not because I don't want to live alone abroad, but because I'm afraid that there is no one I will be going back home to.
A friend of mine said that I should stop worrying about the things that I can't control and instead concentrate on what I can do. My fear does include a lot of things that I have no hold of, but in trying to deal with it, my mind comes up with way too many scenarios that eventually brings me back to square one. Have I mentioned that I think way too much? I guess that doesn't help here.
Ang mahirap din kasi, hindi rin nakakatulong paminsan yung mga tao sa paligid ko para hindi mapako ang utak ko dito sa pag-iisip ng ganito. Cases in point: una, lahat na ng kasama ko sa lab ay ikinasal na or ikakasal na and people keep coming up to me and asking when will be mine. Pangalawa, random people that I meet keep asking why I'm single (this happened more than thrice already). Pangatlo, may makakita lang sa akin na may hawak na bata, ang tanong kaagad ay bakit di pa ako nagkaka-anak. Na-weirduhan talaga ako nung sinabi sa akin yun. Last, but definitely not the least, each and every time I go to the province or makausap ko lang ang isa sa mga tito or tita ko (ang dami pa naman nila), they only have one question in mind: bakit wala ka pa ring boyfriend? Tapos follow it up with ayaw mo na bang mag-asawa? Broken hearted ka pa rin ba ngayon? Nagagawa kong tawanan na lang ang sinasabi nila pero mahirap magpanggap. It's no wonder I sometimes think that there's something wrong with me for a lot of people to keep asking me these questions.
To tell you the truth, and this is where my realization has come full circle, all of these things would not matter at all, kahit na ilan pang tao ang magtanong sa akin kung bakit ang tanda ko na at mag-isa pa rin ako, if my faith on what will happen to my future is solid. That, no matter happens, God will be able to provide me with what I need, kahit na gaano pa katagal yun. Ikinalulungkot kong isipin at ikinagagalit ko sa aking sarili na ang lakas kong magsabi sa ibang tao to always have faith when my own has become shaky, to say the least. I have let my loneliness and what others say magnify my fear to the point that I have started doubting myself and Him.
So, as I mentioned in my previous post, to be able to conquer your fear, you need to understand where it comes from. And this I have done. Now I need to find the ways to overcome it.
Ayan, tapos na ang part 2. It's been hard to write about this, because it feels like a confession of sorts, and for most of the people who can read this post, you have never seen me or heard me this way. Pasensya na at napahaba na naman, pero may part 3 pa, because I'll try and talk about how do I get out of this and what do I finally decide to do. Any help that you give in my achieving this will be greatly appreciated. :) (Err, except for blind dates though, salamat na lang kung yun ang ibibigay nyo. :P)