my lowest moment...june 1, 2002
I worked tonight (friday) and got off about 10:30. I was walking home since Joel was borrowing my car, when Adam and Nickie drive by and give me a ride. They said they were going to Lawrence for a $10 jungle and drum n bass rave. Cool, maybe I could change and shower real quick and go.
As we pull up to the apartment I notice my car is gone--Joel's out somewhere without his cell phone. I go in hoping that there's a note where he's at to see if he wants to go to the party. No note.
Oh well, I say to myself. I can't really afford it anyway, and I'm going to pick up a shift in the morning. I kick off my shoes and head to the bathroom to take a shit that had been brewing for the past hour. As I open the bathroom door, I step on a soggy, cold pile of bath mats and, *gasp* "Eeew! Gross!"
A brown, soupy mixtue is slowly circulating in the toilet. Upon closer inspection, I realize someone shit and used too much toilet paper and clogged the damn thing. FUCK!! I REALLY HAVE TO SHIT!! WHAT NOW??
It is now about 11pm and I decide to see if Adam and Nickie are home so I can go poo there. Maybe if they've already headed to the party, they'll have left their door unlocked and I'll be able to anyway. I put on my flip fops and trek the few blocks over there. I reach the door and knock...knock..no answer...try the handle...locked...knock...CRAP!!
Plan A, no go for launch. Now what?
Hmmmmm. I'll try the apartment clubhouse with the fitness room, maybe the doors will be open. Walk the 1/4 mile there...Locked...Damn!! Where now?
Then I notice a reward sign for a missing cat, one that looks very similar to one I just saw by Adam and Nickies. I decide to go home and get the cat carrier to capture the cat. (hopefully)
I invision myself handing the missing cat over to the thankful owner and them giving me money and me saying, "No! Please!! Just let me poop in your bathroom!!" I laugh. So I get the carrier and walk AGAIN back to Adam and Nickies looking for the cat. By now my poop pains have dwindled because of my new distraction. Sure enough, there's kitty on the sidewalk. I coax her into the carrier and call the number from the flyer. No one answers so I leave a message saying I think I found their cat and to call me.
Kitty and I make our way home. I open the door and set the cage down and put our other 2 cats in the bedroom. I let kitty out and suddenly,
My poop pains return with a vengence and I panic!! Where do I poop?! My mind scans my surroundings feverishly looking for makeshift toilets. Ah ha! the litter box...no...any box...hmmm....a to go box...YES! I run to the fridge and grab a white styrafoam Chili's box containing yesterdays salad. I turn to the trashcan to dump the contents, only to find it overflowing with trash. CRAP!! I attempt to empty the salad down the disposal, but find a sink stacked full of dishes!! "FUCK IT!" I say, and fling the salad on top of them.
I begin to sweat and practically tap dance, fearing as though I'm about to be the first 20 year old to shit their pants. I furiously run to the bathroom, unroll several wads of toilet paper and dash to the bedroom and close the door. I lay down the to go box on the floor, pull down my pants, and proceed to _____ ___ ____ __ ___ _____.
I laugh, considering my predicament...pooping in a to go box. Ha. How disgusting. Desperate times call for desperate measures I guess. I wipe, and close the box containing my "shitty situation". (pun very much intended) I throw it in a trash bag and run it to the dumpster. I notice my car is back. Just as I round the corner, I see the apartment door shut. Joel's home. I tell him the whole story. We talk for a while, make dinner, and start to watch, FROM HELL. Troy and Jared come home and Troy's like, "uh, can I use your toilet or what?"
"Nope. It's clogged." So he pees out back. Troy leaves an hour later and the movie ends about 230. Jared said goodnight 15 minutes prior and Joel is asleep. Now here's where I begin to get pissed off.
Me: *nudge*nudge* Joel, hey get up. We have to go to Wal-Mart to buy a plunger. Joel.
Him:*moan* huh?
Me:Come on, let's go. We have to clean the bathroom. Or am I just gonna do it?
Him: *moan* He rolls over away from me.
Me: Grrrrrr. Fine! I'll go by myself! I put on a sweatshirt and flip flops and go to grab my--keys. Wait. Joel had them last. Where are they? Searching...searching...Finally, "Joel!! Where'd you put my keys?"
Him: Groan, hmmm. Oh. Uh, I dunno.
Me: Well, I need to go to Wal-mart. Where'd you put them? I continued searching. JOEL!!!!!
Him: GOD!! I'm THINKING!! *sits up*
Me: Looking for spare key on dresser. "Joel! Where's the spare key?!"
Him: *HUFF*PUFF* Rips open a drawer, shuffles contents, pulls out a key.
Me: Thanks. I'll be back in a minute, I say annoyed.
So I get out to my car, unlock the door, try to start the ignition, but something blocks the key hole...MY FUCKING KEYS!!! He locked them in the car!!! I then wonder if he was high. I'm beginning to get pissy. It's 3am and _I_ am going to buy a plunger to clean up a mess I had no part in making.
I get back home 15 minutes later and who's asleep? Both of my "children." Don't worry. Mommy will clean it up. Boy was I pissed. Tried to wake Joel up to help me, but that was a lost cause. So I scrubbed the floor, plunged the shit-filled toilet which belched a repulsive odor in my face and nearly overflowed a second time. UGH!!!! HOW GROSS!!! Finally I conqured the clog, disinfected the bathroom, threw the rugs away and took out the trash.
I was so fucking pissed. Seriously! It felt like I was taking care of 2 little kids. If _I_ didn't clean it up, where would we have pissed in the morning...or for God sakes, pooped?
...There was only one more to go box left in the fridge...
XO
Corinne