(no subject)
just clicked "apply now". most terrifying thing i have ever done...at lease since the day i left high school. right now, i don't know if you can relate to this or not, but every action i take is powered only by my own inertia, not by what i think i feel like i want to do, but by what i know is the best, most responsible thing. i am completely exhausted. i want to spend money, travel, sleep in, never go back to school, sleep around, ride ride ride. hurt hurt hurt. feel feel feel.
but instead i save money, stay put, get up earlier and earlier, trying desperately to find a way to make my morning make sense. i apply for college, which i swore i would never do...that'll teach me to take oaths...i choose chastity, a struggle, if not for the one i love being in front of me all the time, reminding me how things can be, and the Lord above and in text telling me the alternative. i ride, but to destinations chosen by others and not myself. i am exhausted. i cannot think. the world is a blur. my days are short to the point of non-existence and almost impossible to recount. i am overwhelmed. so much so that i don't even try. i just let it roll and pray pray pray that this is not how life is going to be.
"i'm in my twenties. it's ok."
i know this is only an in-between time and i am paying for the last 3 complacent years by being thrown naked to the lions of doing things myself and not having mommy and daddy to cry home to. their own early-retirement a sentence of responsibility without leeway or forgiveness or room for mistakes. no failing courses. no free rent. no rest for the weary. i don't know how in the world i am going to do this, but in faith, nothing has ever beat me with the Lord by my side. nothing has ever stopped me or stood in my way, unable to be moved. i have believed in myself my whole life, and this is no time to become afraid. no time to be a coward. no time to chicken out. no more time to be still. it's time to move on.
"kisses in the morning are ten times more powerful than at any other point in the day."
-truth.
i wake up almost everyday in paralyzing terror that i will never have another morning kiss, that, through the choice of my own brand of chaste morality i have doomed my transitory life to a constant string of lonely frustrating days. that i will always feel this alone and alienated. that i will always be working towards something i can't understand...
and i wonder why i sleep in and miss the first few minutes of work so often.
waking up can be awful.
"i'm in my twenties. it will be ok."
but instead i save money, stay put, get up earlier and earlier, trying desperately to find a way to make my morning make sense. i apply for college, which i swore i would never do...that'll teach me to take oaths...i choose chastity, a struggle, if not for the one i love being in front of me all the time, reminding me how things can be, and the Lord above and in text telling me the alternative. i ride, but to destinations chosen by others and not myself. i am exhausted. i cannot think. the world is a blur. my days are short to the point of non-existence and almost impossible to recount. i am overwhelmed. so much so that i don't even try. i just let it roll and pray pray pray that this is not how life is going to be.
"i'm in my twenties. it's ok."
i know this is only an in-between time and i am paying for the last 3 complacent years by being thrown naked to the lions of doing things myself and not having mommy and daddy to cry home to. their own early-retirement a sentence of responsibility without leeway or forgiveness or room for mistakes. no failing courses. no free rent. no rest for the weary. i don't know how in the world i am going to do this, but in faith, nothing has ever beat me with the Lord by my side. nothing has ever stopped me or stood in my way, unable to be moved. i have believed in myself my whole life, and this is no time to become afraid. no time to be a coward. no time to chicken out. no more time to be still. it's time to move on.
"kisses in the morning are ten times more powerful than at any other point in the day."
-truth.
i wake up almost everyday in paralyzing terror that i will never have another morning kiss, that, through the choice of my own brand of chaste morality i have doomed my transitory life to a constant string of lonely frustrating days. that i will always feel this alone and alienated. that i will always be working towards something i can't understand...
and i wonder why i sleep in and miss the first few minutes of work so often.
waking up can be awful.
"i'm in my twenties. it will be ok."