broken.
this weekend went not well.
i still don't feel better from my weird sickness. thank goodness the fever is gone, but this cough is disgusting. i wish all the vitamins and rest&relaxation had done something so this last week of classes wouldn't be so difficult. ugh: health, classes, work...it is all so silly to worry about!
saturday, i worked by myself and then called every friend i knew to be doing fun things for thunder. i decided to stay home instead of increasing the chances of getting sick again by trying to go out; however, because i was sick/lonely/tired/sad, i kept calling and texting ryan to see what he was up to. i was pathetic. i certainly put a damper on ryan's night because i kept tearfully harassing him while he was out with friends, and i definitely didn't keep the distance we'd both agreed to this past week. thankfully, ryan was very patient and kind and kept me together; i'm just upset and embarrassed i relinquished our promises so quickly. my heart is gaping wide open and i can't help but want to rub salt in the wound...right now, i just don't want it to heal.
and then kristen was hurting. i don't even want to face the existential question of suffering right now. the imaginary independence of my spirit diminishes to see her tears. my pain and her pain are not separate; i understand this to be the way of the world, but in a special way i hate to see my sister hurt.
today was worst. this morning i saw many friends, but they seemed distant and merely mildly interested in me. they seemed much more eager to talk of the reasons they are glowing, happy, beautiful...but i know they only seem to not reach out to me because i cannot bring myself to offer my attention. i understand that i feel the need to be in this place of isolation, so i make myself unavailable to the people and passions i need most. i feel myself walking backward; i need to start putting one foot in front of the other. i am so needy and i don't trust that i can fulfill those needs perfectly. when will i choose to wake up?
work was lonely - only two customers and lots of rearranging of pool goggles for four hours. life is absolutely absurd sometimes, especially when you consider that mandy zoeller is working in retail...!
then i made a big mistake. i know it was my fault. i can't do it any more; i'm just rubbing salt in the wound again. i wish i could recognize that the breeze carries that salt and stings other hurting people, too...my suffering is bound up with his.
but i know it was not really a mistake.
i swear, in those times, we are infinite.
i want it to be us, only us, always.
i held back; i knew it was wrong. but i didn't hold back enough.
i jumped in deep enough to emerge robbed of the sanity i'd collected these past few days.
i am not a hateful person, but this moment i despise this skin i'm in:
it simultaneously connects me to and keeps me from everything i know to be true and beautiful and real, and i've not yet learned to balance on that paradoxical beam.
i suppose i really hate myself.
this is what i have been told to make my prayer:
to see myself walking around shining like the dawn, just as i see every other being on this planet.
why do i find my brokenness obscene and everyone else's beautiful?
why can't i appreciate my own worth?
until that day, i cannot live as i'm meant to live in this world.
i need to paint again so that the colors can be angry, not me...
so that the hues can bleed and the brush strokes can be erratic
so that i can release this pain and remaster my spirit
so that i can paint a picture of who i am, where i am, of love, of hope,
so i can understand better my place and my face
and i can wipe my tears and take a step back...
so i can look at my image and say
i am beautiful.
i still don't feel better from my weird sickness. thank goodness the fever is gone, but this cough is disgusting. i wish all the vitamins and rest&relaxation had done something so this last week of classes wouldn't be so difficult. ugh: health, classes, work...it is all so silly to worry about!
saturday, i worked by myself and then called every friend i knew to be doing fun things for thunder. i decided to stay home instead of increasing the chances of getting sick again by trying to go out; however, because i was sick/lonely/tired/sad, i kept calling and texting ryan to see what he was up to. i was pathetic. i certainly put a damper on ryan's night because i kept tearfully harassing him while he was out with friends, and i definitely didn't keep the distance we'd both agreed to this past week. thankfully, ryan was very patient and kind and kept me together; i'm just upset and embarrassed i relinquished our promises so quickly. my heart is gaping wide open and i can't help but want to rub salt in the wound...right now, i just don't want it to heal.
and then kristen was hurting. i don't even want to face the existential question of suffering right now. the imaginary independence of my spirit diminishes to see her tears. my pain and her pain are not separate; i understand this to be the way of the world, but in a special way i hate to see my sister hurt.
today was worst. this morning i saw many friends, but they seemed distant and merely mildly interested in me. they seemed much more eager to talk of the reasons they are glowing, happy, beautiful...but i know they only seem to not reach out to me because i cannot bring myself to offer my attention. i understand that i feel the need to be in this place of isolation, so i make myself unavailable to the people and passions i need most. i feel myself walking backward; i need to start putting one foot in front of the other. i am so needy and i don't trust that i can fulfill those needs perfectly. when will i choose to wake up?
work was lonely - only two customers and lots of rearranging of pool goggles for four hours. life is absolutely absurd sometimes, especially when you consider that mandy zoeller is working in retail...!
then i made a big mistake. i know it was my fault. i can't do it any more; i'm just rubbing salt in the wound again. i wish i could recognize that the breeze carries that salt and stings other hurting people, too...my suffering is bound up with his.
but i know it was not really a mistake.
i swear, in those times, we are infinite.
i want it to be us, only us, always.
i held back; i knew it was wrong. but i didn't hold back enough.
i jumped in deep enough to emerge robbed of the sanity i'd collected these past few days.
i am not a hateful person, but this moment i despise this skin i'm in:
it simultaneously connects me to and keeps me from everything i know to be true and beautiful and real, and i've not yet learned to balance on that paradoxical beam.
i suppose i really hate myself.
this is what i have been told to make my prayer:
to see myself walking around shining like the dawn, just as i see every other being on this planet.
why do i find my brokenness obscene and everyone else's beautiful?
why can't i appreciate my own worth?
until that day, i cannot live as i'm meant to live in this world.
i need to paint again so that the colors can be angry, not me...
so that the hues can bleed and the brush strokes can be erratic
so that i can release this pain and remaster my spirit
so that i can paint a picture of who i am, where i am, of love, of hope,
so i can understand better my place and my face
and i can wipe my tears and take a step back...
so i can look at my image and say
i am beautiful.