this is the worst i've ever felt doing the right thing.
when i was in kindergarten, i asked my mom to tell me the truth about Santa Claus. i told her that i wanted to believe he was real but that, the more i thought about it, the less i understood it all. it just didn't make SENSE that one man could make it all around the world in one night to every little girl and boy! since my dad felt i was too young to be told the truth, mom comforted me by saying that there were just some mysteries in life we couldn't understand. i walked away feeling satisfied enough.
however, one night in first grade, i came to mom bawling, saying i couldn't take it anymore. it REALLY just didn't make sense that Santa was real. some kids didn't receive the same amount of toys even though they were just as well-behaved, and Santa seemed to do something different at each person's house. i couldn't help but feel there was something i was really missing out on.
my mom told me the truth about Santa that night. i remember crying a lot after she tucked me back in bed, a hollow, empty feeling in my heart, but with a renewed understanding of myself and the ways of the world.
the disenchanting effect of reality seems to always bring heartache. ryan and i are so much better this way; while we are such gifts to one another, we have each been holding the other back from doing what will make us most happy at this point in our lives. we each need freedom the other simply can't give while maintaining a sense of well-being and self-respect. but how can it be good to leave the one you truly love...ever?
unfortunately, this is not something my mom can help me to relinquish. this is not something with easy answers, an instruction manual, a guarantee it's really the best. but i have to be honest, for my sake and for ryan's...i want to be fair. we were both asking hard questions; we had to grow up and face the hard answer, no matter how devastating.
i'll let him go and, if it is meant to be, it will certainly be better at a later time...
later, when we've both had time to get the yearnings of youth out of our systems and can each be a little more settled, this could work; it could work well. it could be beautiful. it could be forever. but for that to happen, it can't be right now.
and nothing could break my heart worse.
ryan is one of the most beautiful souls i have ever known. he will change the world and himself in ways no one, not even i, can possibly understand at this point. he faces a difficult few years ahead of him; i have to just hope he'll be true to himself in the end, that he'll cultivate his immense compassion and grow into the man he so desperately wishes to. i love him more than my life. i can't begin to understand the connection we have or why, despite all outside criticism, he has brought me such joy and wisdom in these few short years...i can be as grateful as i am to him to very few other human beings on this planet. i'm so glad we've decided - promised - to remain best friends. thankfully, we both have a strong understanding that this is the way it must be. we'll be supportive of each other but will learn to give the space we each need.
to love him truly and deeply is to set him free.
kristen says she wishes the saying "love isn't always enough" wasn't true. i think love is both not enough and too much. it's the fact that i love ryan so much that i can't keep him with me; it's the reason he says, tearfully, he knows he has to let me go. if there was nothing else in the world but me and ryan, love would be enough...but it isn't just the two of us. we have to face reality and our lives in it. this makes love not enough, even for two people who can't begin to fathom how they'll stand to be apart.
when i found out about Santa, i kind of wished i'd never asked. but now i've grown up; i'm glad i asked, i'm glad ryan asked, and i'm glad we've faced the answer. however, in the meantime, it will be harder than i can understand to handle this change.
i just hope he can always be my best friend, come what may.
i just hope we've chosen the right answer.
i just hope we can both be free.
i just hope we can love each other forever, in whatever way is best for us both.
however, one night in first grade, i came to mom bawling, saying i couldn't take it anymore. it REALLY just didn't make sense that Santa was real. some kids didn't receive the same amount of toys even though they were just as well-behaved, and Santa seemed to do something different at each person's house. i couldn't help but feel there was something i was really missing out on.
my mom told me the truth about Santa that night. i remember crying a lot after she tucked me back in bed, a hollow, empty feeling in my heart, but with a renewed understanding of myself and the ways of the world.
the disenchanting effect of reality seems to always bring heartache. ryan and i are so much better this way; while we are such gifts to one another, we have each been holding the other back from doing what will make us most happy at this point in our lives. we each need freedom the other simply can't give while maintaining a sense of well-being and self-respect. but how can it be good to leave the one you truly love...ever?
unfortunately, this is not something my mom can help me to relinquish. this is not something with easy answers, an instruction manual, a guarantee it's really the best. but i have to be honest, for my sake and for ryan's...i want to be fair. we were both asking hard questions; we had to grow up and face the hard answer, no matter how devastating.
i'll let him go and, if it is meant to be, it will certainly be better at a later time...
later, when we've both had time to get the yearnings of youth out of our systems and can each be a little more settled, this could work; it could work well. it could be beautiful. it could be forever. but for that to happen, it can't be right now.
and nothing could break my heart worse.
ryan is one of the most beautiful souls i have ever known. he will change the world and himself in ways no one, not even i, can possibly understand at this point. he faces a difficult few years ahead of him; i have to just hope he'll be true to himself in the end, that he'll cultivate his immense compassion and grow into the man he so desperately wishes to. i love him more than my life. i can't begin to understand the connection we have or why, despite all outside criticism, he has brought me such joy and wisdom in these few short years...i can be as grateful as i am to him to very few other human beings on this planet. i'm so glad we've decided - promised - to remain best friends. thankfully, we both have a strong understanding that this is the way it must be. we'll be supportive of each other but will learn to give the space we each need.
to love him truly and deeply is to set him free.
kristen says she wishes the saying "love isn't always enough" wasn't true. i think love is both not enough and too much. it's the fact that i love ryan so much that i can't keep him with me; it's the reason he says, tearfully, he knows he has to let me go. if there was nothing else in the world but me and ryan, love would be enough...but it isn't just the two of us. we have to face reality and our lives in it. this makes love not enough, even for two people who can't begin to fathom how they'll stand to be apart.
when i found out about Santa, i kind of wished i'd never asked. but now i've grown up; i'm glad i asked, i'm glad ryan asked, and i'm glad we've faced the answer. however, in the meantime, it will be harder than i can understand to handle this change.
i just hope he can always be my best friend, come what may.
i just hope we've chosen the right answer.
i just hope we can both be free.
i just hope we can love each other forever, in whatever way is best for us both.