how can this be???
apparently i fail. i fail at life and at weight loss.
shit.
i'm not quite sure what the hell happened. my clothes are falling off me. i look different and feel different (other than the major swelling in my legs), yet i went to the doctor for the first time in over 1 1/2 years and i weigh more now than when i started this whole process 5 years ago. WHAT THE HELL!?!?!?!
my scale is apparently off by 67.2 pounds somehow??? i think i am just going to have to get a new one. i've done every sort of reset i can on it and it still tells me that i weigh 67.2 pounds less than what the doctors scale said. why is the scale always tormenting me??? if you've followed my journey, my scale has been off before, usually because of my cats playing on it (or in the beginning when i didn't have a bariatric scale and was weighing myself on two *normal* scales) and hitting buttons, but i've always been able to get it to reset to the proper weight (or maybe i haven't, maybe i've always been off, like i once thought in the beginning and the doctors scale was majorly off from what my two scale method of weighing said) and just sucked it up and dealt with it being off and having to *re-lose* those pounds, but this is a HUGE discrepancy and obviously the doctors scale is most likely right.
i was so excited to be down almost 150 pounds earlier this year. i figured i would finally break through my 150 barrier (again, if you've been following my journey at all, i've made it to 200.8 pounds down, but then yo-yo'd back up and then back down and back up and back down, but i've never broken the 150 pounds down again since 2008) and that i was finally on the right track, but i guess i wasn't. i mean i wasn't 100% perfect, but i thought i was doing things right. i thought that's why my clothes were getting bigger and i was looking different, but maybe it's all in my head??? this is a serious mind fuck.
at the end of may/beginning of june my legs started swelling again pretty badly (i assumed because of the heat, but maybe it's just fat they are filling up with and not water???) so when i got on the scale after not being on it since april (when i was almost 150 pounds down) and saw that i was up 40 pounds i was sad, but figured it had a lot to do with the swelling and i just needed to up my water and keep them elevated and i'd be down again in no time. then i hurt my knee at the beginning of june and was told to stay off of it as much as possible, so i figured i'd be up again when i got back on the scale, but if i was 423 in april and then 463 in may. when i stepped on the scale the other day it said 510.8 and i was heart broken, but again, i figured it was from all the swelling/non-activity and that it would reverse itself as soon as i was cleared to start moving again and got the swelling under control.
that is until last week when i got the huge shocker at the doctors office. apparently i weigh 578!!! WHAT.THE.FUCK!!! how did this happen??? i'm so confused because i'm wearing 10 sizes smaller than what i was wearing with my original starting weight. i just don't get it??? i've spent the last week trying to figure out where i've gone wrong. yes, i haven't been 100%, but i haven't binged since november 2009 (although i do know i still tend to overeat, but that's because of the never feeling full issue i have) which used to be my biggest downfall and i've been exercising when i can...so, i just don't get it. i am so sad. so disappointed. part of me wants to go and have a huge binge now, because if not bingeing gets me here, bingeing again can't be worse.
i really like my new doctor and she actually took the time to listen to me and while i still do not have anything wrong with me, other than my weight (although, it's possible i now have sleep apnea), she wants me to get this weight off me asap. she is concerned because i am almost 30 and we both know i'm walking the tightrope concerning other conditions considering my family history. she's put me on a medication that will help with depression/anxiety and is a good appetite supressant as well (she did a lot of research on it), but she also wants me to really consider getting a lap band to obviously help get the weight off me, but to help with the feeling full issue as well. especially since it's something i've been dealing with for so long and while i have the ability to lose a good chunk of weight on my own, i can't sustain the weight loss for a very long time and putting the weight back on and taking it off and putting it back on again is not good for me or my body.
i feel like a failure and i feel like a fraud. but i guess at least i got this off my chest. i just feel like i'm letting everyone down again.
shit.
i'm not quite sure what the hell happened. my clothes are falling off me. i look different and feel different (other than the major swelling in my legs), yet i went to the doctor for the first time in over 1 1/2 years and i weigh more now than when i started this whole process 5 years ago. WHAT THE HELL!?!?!?!
my scale is apparently off by 67.2 pounds somehow??? i think i am just going to have to get a new one. i've done every sort of reset i can on it and it still tells me that i weigh 67.2 pounds less than what the doctors scale said. why is the scale always tormenting me??? if you've followed my journey, my scale has been off before, usually because of my cats playing on it (or in the beginning when i didn't have a bariatric scale and was weighing myself on two *normal* scales) and hitting buttons, but i've always been able to get it to reset to the proper weight (or maybe i haven't, maybe i've always been off, like i once thought in the beginning and the doctors scale was majorly off from what my two scale method of weighing said) and just sucked it up and dealt with it being off and having to *re-lose* those pounds, but this is a HUGE discrepancy and obviously the doctors scale is most likely right.
i was so excited to be down almost 150 pounds earlier this year. i figured i would finally break through my 150 barrier (again, if you've been following my journey at all, i've made it to 200.8 pounds down, but then yo-yo'd back up and then back down and back up and back down, but i've never broken the 150 pounds down again since 2008) and that i was finally on the right track, but i guess i wasn't. i mean i wasn't 100% perfect, but i thought i was doing things right. i thought that's why my clothes were getting bigger and i was looking different, but maybe it's all in my head??? this is a serious mind fuck.
at the end of may/beginning of june my legs started swelling again pretty badly (i assumed because of the heat, but maybe it's just fat they are filling up with and not water???) so when i got on the scale after not being on it since april (when i was almost 150 pounds down) and saw that i was up 40 pounds i was sad, but figured it had a lot to do with the swelling and i just needed to up my water and keep them elevated and i'd be down again in no time. then i hurt my knee at the beginning of june and was told to stay off of it as much as possible, so i figured i'd be up again when i got back on the scale, but if i was 423 in april and then 463 in may. when i stepped on the scale the other day it said 510.8 and i was heart broken, but again, i figured it was from all the swelling/non-activity and that it would reverse itself as soon as i was cleared to start moving again and got the swelling under control.
that is until last week when i got the huge shocker at the doctors office. apparently i weigh 578!!! WHAT.THE.FUCK!!! how did this happen??? i'm so confused because i'm wearing 10 sizes smaller than what i was wearing with my original starting weight. i just don't get it??? i've spent the last week trying to figure out where i've gone wrong. yes, i haven't been 100%, but i haven't binged since november 2009 (although i do know i still tend to overeat, but that's because of the never feeling full issue i have) which used to be my biggest downfall and i've been exercising when i can...so, i just don't get it. i am so sad. so disappointed. part of me wants to go and have a huge binge now, because if not bingeing gets me here, bingeing again can't be worse.
i really like my new doctor and she actually took the time to listen to me and while i still do not have anything wrong with me, other than my weight (although, it's possible i now have sleep apnea), she wants me to get this weight off me asap. she is concerned because i am almost 30 and we both know i'm walking the tightrope concerning other conditions considering my family history. she's put me on a medication that will help with depression/anxiety and is a good appetite supressant as well (she did a lot of research on it), but she also wants me to really consider getting a lap band to obviously help get the weight off me, but to help with the feeling full issue as well. especially since it's something i've been dealing with for so long and while i have the ability to lose a good chunk of weight on my own, i can't sustain the weight loss for a very long time and putting the weight back on and taking it off and putting it back on again is not good for me or my body.
i feel like a failure and i feel like a fraud. but i guess at least i got this off my chest. i just feel like i'm letting everyone down again.