i am focused on what i am after
this past sunday i had an on camera interview for a new weight loss show and it was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. this past two/three weeks of my life have been a whirlwind, i’m surprised i’m still standing, hahaha. i was so nervous, but the moment i met my casting directors i was at ease. the whole experience went by in a blur, but i will never forget it…no matter what happens. i’m not sure how much i can share, so this is about all the info i will give. this post is really about more than that, so i hope everyone understands.
my casting directors are AMAZING. i cannot even begin to tell you how amazing they are. they made me feel so comfortable…they made me laugh, they made me cry, and most of all they believed in me and they helped me to believe in myself as well. i have not felt this sure about what i am doing since i first began ns three years ago.
i left that interview with a whole new outlook on my journey and where i am going. regardless if i get on the show or not (which don’t get me wrong, i sincerely hope i do!) i am 100% sure that i am back on track and headed in the right direction. that’s not to say that i won’t have setbacks ever again, but i’m not going to let them get to me the way i have been…ever again.
so basically this is a blog about coming clean (again, hahaha). the past year and a half has been a horrible one for me. i’m not going to make excuses, because i could, but i’m done with excuses. i messed up and now i am paying the price for it. it’s my own fault, now i must fix it. i gained 140 of the 200 pounds i kicked to the curb back. it’s not pretty, i’m not going to lie, but at the same time i do believe everything happens for a reason - for if i had kept losing, i would not be in the running to share my journey with millions of people. again, even if i don’t make it, everything happens for a reason and i know i was meant to go to that interview to feel the way i do today.
i also messed up by reverting back to the old two scale method. why? good question, but again one of my cats chewed through the wire of my power cord for my bariatric scale and i didn’t have the money to replace it (nor did i want the person who bought me the scale and already replaced a power cord once to know they did it again), so i figured because i was smaller i could do the two scale method and it would be more effective. we tested it out on the bf and it still worked for him as it did before, so i figured it was working for me now that i was smaller. WRONG. wrong, wrong, wrong!!! when i finally got the money to replace the power cord i stepped on my scale and noticed that i was 103.4 pounds heavier than what my two scales had been telling me. WHAT!?!?!?! so then i tried to blame it on my cats who seem to like to play on the scale, but they were only responsible for 32.6 of the pounds - they had gotten that weight stuck in there, so it would always add it to whatever weight you weighed - not sure how they do it or why the scale does that (too high tech for me, hahaha), but now i’ve recalibrated my scale and it’s kept locked up!!! i was shocked, angry, pissed, but i knew it was my own fault for not just buying another power cord sooner.
what this all means is that i really never got to the 200’s, which i talked about in a previous post, but it also means that i never even actually got below 350 pounds. again, while it’s sad, i’m actually more okay with it than not. i truly thought i was crazy for not being able to see the changes as dramatically as i thought i should have been for being in the 200’s. yes, there was a major difference in my face and some difference in the rest of me, but not what i felt a 270 pound difference should feel/look like, but i just assumed it was my body dysmorphia talking. i’m glad it’s not all that. rather than getting down 270 pounds, i only got down 200.4 pounds.
that however still leaves us with the 140 pounds i’ve put back on in a year and a half. again, i’m not going to make any excuses for it as i know what i did wrong and i know what i need to change. i would honestly start each day out trying to be 100%, but by the end of the day i would mess up and mess up big time. i was out of control. i was reverting back to old habits to deal with all the bull shit i was dealing with. not good. i’ve never given up which is a huge accomplishment as i don’t feel you truly fail until you quit, but i also could have been trying harder. A LOT harder. i admit that. in fact i was still losing, but then i’d put it right back on and add to it, so i was playing my up and down game over and over. plus i disappeared for a lot of the year and half and when i do that, you know it’s probably not good. for some reason i seem to run from people when i need them the most. that is something i definitely need to work on.
now, it’s time to stop dwelling on the mistakes and move forward. like i said, after leaving my interview i have a whole new outlook on this journey and i’m ready to re-lose the weight i’ve lost to never see it again and i’m ready to finally complete this journey i’ve started. with or without the show!!! i am more determined than ever!!!
i am focused on what i am after. i am ready to live life again. i am ready to finally be the person i know i was meant to be.