remember me?
so yeah, i've been majorly slacking on updating lately. no real reason why. i have nothing better to do, so i could be updating, but i don't. in fact, i spend most of my time on facebook - wow, addictive. other than my world being turned upside down at the beginning of the year and working on getting that all straightened out not much else has been going on. my weight loss isn't all that exciting these days and it seems like when i have *boring* posts no one comments, so i just haven't been updating. however, i have to remember that as with my weight loss, my blog is for myself, so i'm going to try and update more. like i said, i have nothing better to do.
i didn't get that job i thought was for certain made for me. the last time i posted i mentioned that i hadn't heard from them for two weeks and shortly after they said, thanks but no thanks. that really through me into a fit, i REALLY wanted that job! there is a work from home job that i could almost certainly get, but it would most likely be a pay cut (from my already 15% pay cut of what i was making prior to december 1st, 2008) to start with, so i'm not sure what to do about that. it's a legitimate work from home job, so i'm not worried about that, i'm just worried about how far behind i am on most of my bills already because of the pay cut and i don't want to get any further behind. the benefit would be not having to go to work every day with people i really dislike and it would save me driving 60 miles each day and that would save me on gas/car issues with my bad transmission, etc. i just don't know what to do? i'm applying for jobs left and right still, but still i'm getting nothing. i know it could be worse, but this sucks. i kinda want to get laid off (i'd make more on unemployment!), get things caught up and then do the work from home thing.
i'm really feeling like a loser because of the being behind on bills thing. i can't help but dwell on the fact that i worked so hard to build my credit up (from when i was 18 and stupid!) and now it's all going in the shitter again. it's so frustrating. i hate being behind on bills and i hate hearing the phone ring a million times a day from bill collectors when there is nothing i can do. i pay what i can and that's the best i can do. i'm sorry. it's so frustrating. my biggest goal besides losing weight is to get myself out of debt so that the next time bad things continue to happen one right after the other, i don't have to worry about getting behind on bills. it probably won't happen for a really long time (unless i get my pay back or a new job that pays more), but it's a goal.
since i had to stop going to my therapist i can see a huge change and it's NOT for the better. it's horrible and i hate it. i really got dependent on her seeing me every week or every other week. i just feel out of control and i try to talk to myself and tell myself the things she would tell me, but it's not the same. one minute i'm fine, the next i'm freaking out. i miss her, she was awesome. it would figure it would take me five years to find a counselor i LOVE again and then a few months into i'd have to give her up because i can't afford insurance.
to say i've been a bit depressed lately is an understatement. i'm sure you could tell though by my lack of posting.
obviously i'm not making much headway on my weight loss. i'm still in the 300's and yes, i've been losing, but i'm still in the 300's. i'm starting to think i just put too much pressure on myself. when i first started ns, i didn't think about it. i just checked off my items each day and i was good to go. which would probably explain why i was able to lose 100 pounds in 5 1/2 months...i didn't think about it! once i started thinking about it i think i freaked myself out and started on the up and down motion. even with all my scale woes the first few months, it never got as bad as when i started thinking about what i was doing.
so what am i going to do about it? well, for starters a great ns member bought me three boxes of food. i guess another member was selling the food for a great price and she couldn't resist and her being awesome, she decided to help me out! how cool is that??? i haven't gotten the food yet, but as soon as i do, i'm back on the ns track. i'm not going to think about what i'm doing - i'm just going to check off my boxes every day and not worry about it. i'm not going to count calories, fat or carbs, i'm just going to do what worked for me in the beginning and hopefully this will help. i'm actually pretty excited about.
and now on the AWESOME, AWESOME, AWESOME update (and yes, i'm yelling because i am so excited and so proud of myself!). i forgot to update my blog here when i originally decided to do this, so this is probably new news to most of you (unless you read my generic blog over at ns, where i updated about this on friday).
you'll never believe what i did on thursday. i did something else that i would have never dreamt of doing 260+ pounds ago...i went to TWO, not one, but TWO fitness classes. you know, with actual OTHER people. in fact 31 OTHER people!!! i know it doesn't sound like a big deal to many, but when i was 569.8 pounds you were lucky to get me out of the house much, let alone go workout with other people around (which is a fear most of you know i conquered a few months ago, even if there was only ever two other people there at the same time as me, hahaha). obviously i had to cancel my gym membership because of the pay cut (which sucks!) and the bf losing his job, but my work was offering free classes, so i figured i myswell try them and see if i like them, plus my bf said it was a good time to get over my fear of working out with and in front of others since it was free.
i signed up for two class - cardio dance party and dynamic strength. i’m not going to lie that morning i started freaking out about going. i get social anxiety as it is and having to sweat and do things in front of other people is never a good combo for me. so i was freaking out and trying to come up with every excuse in the book to not go, but my friend who was doing the classes with me MADE me go and i am so glad she did. i LOVED, LOVED, LOVED my cardio dance class!!! it was AWESOME and so fun. it didn’t feel like i was moving for as long as i was. i sweated my ass off and i was by far the fattest person there, but the instructor was awesome and she made me feel so comfortable. in fact, i can’t wait to go back to this class!!!
as for the strength training class, it was good, but i don’t think i’ll do it again for a while. my richard simmons strength training videos will be good enough until i’m more able to do some of the things she had us doing. i didn’t realize that there was going to be push-ups and ab work and whatnot, i figured it would all be done with bands. and a lot of it was, but there were a lot of things i just couldn’t do yet at my size.
at the end of the classes the teacher came up to me and told me that i did a great job and she was glad i came. throughout the strength training class, she would catch my eye and give me a thumbs up and mouth *good job* for doing what i could do. i modified a lot of the moves because like i said, i just couldn’t do some of them at my size.
so even though i was deathly afraid of going, i’m so glad i did. i felt AMAZING afterwards and while i’m a little sore today, it’s a good sore. i can’t wait for the next dance class and as soon as i am able to, i am going to go back to the strength training class and show her how much improvement i’ve made.
i didn't get that job i thought was for certain made for me. the last time i posted i mentioned that i hadn't heard from them for two weeks and shortly after they said, thanks but no thanks. that really through me into a fit, i REALLY wanted that job! there is a work from home job that i could almost certainly get, but it would most likely be a pay cut (from my already 15% pay cut of what i was making prior to december 1st, 2008) to start with, so i'm not sure what to do about that. it's a legitimate work from home job, so i'm not worried about that, i'm just worried about how far behind i am on most of my bills already because of the pay cut and i don't want to get any further behind. the benefit would be not having to go to work every day with people i really dislike and it would save me driving 60 miles each day and that would save me on gas/car issues with my bad transmission, etc. i just don't know what to do? i'm applying for jobs left and right still, but still i'm getting nothing. i know it could be worse, but this sucks. i kinda want to get laid off (i'd make more on unemployment!), get things caught up and then do the work from home thing.
i'm really feeling like a loser because of the being behind on bills thing. i can't help but dwell on the fact that i worked so hard to build my credit up (from when i was 18 and stupid!) and now it's all going in the shitter again. it's so frustrating. i hate being behind on bills and i hate hearing the phone ring a million times a day from bill collectors when there is nothing i can do. i pay what i can and that's the best i can do. i'm sorry. it's so frustrating. my biggest goal besides losing weight is to get myself out of debt so that the next time bad things continue to happen one right after the other, i don't have to worry about getting behind on bills. it probably won't happen for a really long time (unless i get my pay back or a new job that pays more), but it's a goal.
since i had to stop going to my therapist i can see a huge change and it's NOT for the better. it's horrible and i hate it. i really got dependent on her seeing me every week or every other week. i just feel out of control and i try to talk to myself and tell myself the things she would tell me, but it's not the same. one minute i'm fine, the next i'm freaking out. i miss her, she was awesome. it would figure it would take me five years to find a counselor i LOVE again and then a few months into i'd have to give her up because i can't afford insurance.
to say i've been a bit depressed lately is an understatement. i'm sure you could tell though by my lack of posting.
obviously i'm not making much headway on my weight loss. i'm still in the 300's and yes, i've been losing, but i'm still in the 300's. i'm starting to think i just put too much pressure on myself. when i first started ns, i didn't think about it. i just checked off my items each day and i was good to go. which would probably explain why i was able to lose 100 pounds in 5 1/2 months...i didn't think about it! once i started thinking about it i think i freaked myself out and started on the up and down motion. even with all my scale woes the first few months, it never got as bad as when i started thinking about what i was doing.
so what am i going to do about it? well, for starters a great ns member bought me three boxes of food. i guess another member was selling the food for a great price and she couldn't resist and her being awesome, she decided to help me out! how cool is that??? i haven't gotten the food yet, but as soon as i do, i'm back on the ns track. i'm not going to think about what i'm doing - i'm just going to check off my boxes every day and not worry about it. i'm not going to count calories, fat or carbs, i'm just going to do what worked for me in the beginning and hopefully this will help. i'm actually pretty excited about.
and now on the AWESOME, AWESOME, AWESOME update (and yes, i'm yelling because i am so excited and so proud of myself!). i forgot to update my blog here when i originally decided to do this, so this is probably new news to most of you (unless you read my generic blog over at ns, where i updated about this on friday).
you'll never believe what i did on thursday. i did something else that i would have never dreamt of doing 260+ pounds ago...i went to TWO, not one, but TWO fitness classes. you know, with actual OTHER people. in fact 31 OTHER people!!! i know it doesn't sound like a big deal to many, but when i was 569.8 pounds you were lucky to get me out of the house much, let alone go workout with other people around (which is a fear most of you know i conquered a few months ago, even if there was only ever two other people there at the same time as me, hahaha). obviously i had to cancel my gym membership because of the pay cut (which sucks!) and the bf losing his job, but my work was offering free classes, so i figured i myswell try them and see if i like them, plus my bf said it was a good time to get over my fear of working out with and in front of others since it was free.
i signed up for two class - cardio dance party and dynamic strength. i’m not going to lie that morning i started freaking out about going. i get social anxiety as it is and having to sweat and do things in front of other people is never a good combo for me. so i was freaking out and trying to come up with every excuse in the book to not go, but my friend who was doing the classes with me MADE me go and i am so glad she did. i LOVED, LOVED, LOVED my cardio dance class!!! it was AWESOME and so fun. it didn’t feel like i was moving for as long as i was. i sweated my ass off and i was by far the fattest person there, but the instructor was awesome and she made me feel so comfortable. in fact, i can’t wait to go back to this class!!!
as for the strength training class, it was good, but i don’t think i’ll do it again for a while. my richard simmons strength training videos will be good enough until i’m more able to do some of the things she had us doing. i didn’t realize that there was going to be push-ups and ab work and whatnot, i figured it would all be done with bands. and a lot of it was, but there were a lot of things i just couldn’t do yet at my size.
at the end of the classes the teacher came up to me and told me that i did a great job and she was glad i came. throughout the strength training class, she would catch my eye and give me a thumbs up and mouth *good job* for doing what i could do. i modified a lot of the moves because like i said, i just couldn’t do some of them at my size.
so even though i was deathly afraid of going, i’m so glad i did. i felt AMAZING afterwards and while i’m a little sore today, it’s a good sore. i can’t wait for the next dance class and as soon as i am able to, i am going to go back to the strength training class and show her how much improvement i’ve made.