with the words you borrowed
why is music so much better on headphones?
i've been drunk since 2:30 as well as the past two nights...and i'm sure i will be going out to get even more drunk in no time.
ive been drinking so much lately. sometimes it seems only when ive got some substance in me i feel human or alive. i don't know what my deal has been this past school year but i'm sinking and sinking fast. i'm just not what i thought i would be. when i was 18 i thought i wanted to be this progressive woman. with this power career and a big house and somewhere far away from michigan.
i don't want any of that now. i don't want some career that becomes my life. i don't want to be my father and miss out on the great parts of life. watching addison grow up. watching sunsets. listening to that song that stops time and blinking slowly. being in love. having great friend who make you laugh so hard you can't remember anything even close to better.
i don't want what i wanted then. i'm not a good student. i'm not going to make it past undergrad. i'm not going to be some big shot. and i am just fucking okay with that. i want to make art. i want to take photos. i want to have some stupid some job that gets me the money i need to let me life. i want to work to live. not live to work.
i know this very reason is why i have such a hard time committing to college as of late. i just don't want to be my dad. i love him, but i can not be him. i year or so ago i looked at him...and i asked him "dad do you feel like you've lived your life?"
he just looked at me. and said nothing for the longest time. so i asked again. and he started a sentence about 5 times, but he couldn't finish it. it broke my heart. and i can never get that day out of my fucking mind. at 50 something years old he just couldn't answer me.
i can't be it. college just makes me think constantly that it lead me to being him. i am so scared of living 50 some years and not knowing the people around me. i want my dad so badly to know me. and he just can't . i want him so badly to call me just to tell me he loves me. the way my mom does. but that call will never come. every time he tells me he loves me my heart swells that much more because so often i doubt it.
i just have to find my path. i have to find my meaning. i have to re-evaluate everything and just try my fucking hardest to just be okay. because i'm not. yeah there is this depression. but there is so much more. there is who i am. how i am. how i've grown up. i have to face it. i have to learn from it. i have to let my family go on a level. i have to realize my father will never really know me because he just doesn't know how. i have to realize my brother will never be my friend because we are just too far apart. i have to realize my mother will always make me fall guilty for not being who she wants me to be. yes they love me. i know it. but i don't know if i'll ever feel it.
i wish i could take my friends, my chosen family, and just move them away from everything else. to somewhere sunny and warm...like florida...where i am now.
there won't be any secrets to keep for my mother. there won't be any ass kissing of my step mother. their won't be any pleading for love from my father. or just kindness from my brother. i can just let my past go. and be a person. be a good friend. be what i know my friends can see in me that lose sight of constantly.
its so hard to go back to the home you were born in.
i just want to go back to my home i created.
although i wish i could bring the sunshine and warmth with me.
i've been drunk since 2:30 as well as the past two nights...and i'm sure i will be going out to get even more drunk in no time.
ive been drinking so much lately. sometimes it seems only when ive got some substance in me i feel human or alive. i don't know what my deal has been this past school year but i'm sinking and sinking fast. i'm just not what i thought i would be. when i was 18 i thought i wanted to be this progressive woman. with this power career and a big house and somewhere far away from michigan.
i don't want any of that now. i don't want some career that becomes my life. i don't want to be my father and miss out on the great parts of life. watching addison grow up. watching sunsets. listening to that song that stops time and blinking slowly. being in love. having great friend who make you laugh so hard you can't remember anything even close to better.
i don't want what i wanted then. i'm not a good student. i'm not going to make it past undergrad. i'm not going to be some big shot. and i am just fucking okay with that. i want to make art. i want to take photos. i want to have some stupid some job that gets me the money i need to let me life. i want to work to live. not live to work.
i know this very reason is why i have such a hard time committing to college as of late. i just don't want to be my dad. i love him, but i can not be him. i year or so ago i looked at him...and i asked him "dad do you feel like you've lived your life?"
he just looked at me. and said nothing for the longest time. so i asked again. and he started a sentence about 5 times, but he couldn't finish it. it broke my heart. and i can never get that day out of my fucking mind. at 50 something years old he just couldn't answer me.
i can't be it. college just makes me think constantly that it lead me to being him. i am so scared of living 50 some years and not knowing the people around me. i want my dad so badly to know me. and he just can't . i want him so badly to call me just to tell me he loves me. the way my mom does. but that call will never come. every time he tells me he loves me my heart swells that much more because so often i doubt it.
i just have to find my path. i have to find my meaning. i have to re-evaluate everything and just try my fucking hardest to just be okay. because i'm not. yeah there is this depression. but there is so much more. there is who i am. how i am. how i've grown up. i have to face it. i have to learn from it. i have to let my family go on a level. i have to realize my father will never really know me because he just doesn't know how. i have to realize my brother will never be my friend because we are just too far apart. i have to realize my mother will always make me fall guilty for not being who she wants me to be. yes they love me. i know it. but i don't know if i'll ever feel it.
i wish i could take my friends, my chosen family, and just move them away from everything else. to somewhere sunny and warm...like florida...where i am now.
there won't be any secrets to keep for my mother. there won't be any ass kissing of my step mother. their won't be any pleading for love from my father. or just kindness from my brother. i can just let my past go. and be a person. be a good friend. be what i know my friends can see in me that lose sight of constantly.
its so hard to go back to the home you were born in.
i just want to go back to my home i created.
although i wish i could bring the sunshine and warmth with me.