Party Fic - More Chronicles of Chibi!Spock

[secret_weapon]

Commander Spock’s Guide to Child Rearing - How not to pick a Godparent

In Space no-one can hear you scream. Obviously the person who had devised that saying had never had to deal with a ten-day old baby with gas-pains. At least the doctor said it was only gas pains, but this was the third night in a row that Jarock had decided to cry all night and Spock was beginning to have his doubts about Dr McCoy. Or as Nyota put it, ‘that raving, drunken miserable old quack’.

They had agreed to share attending-to-the-baby duties however Spock was expected to go with Jim and Pike to see the Orions the next day so Nyota had told him to go and get some sleep.

'Try the Captain's room,' she said wearily. 'He's probably getting better acquainted with an Orion girl or three landside, if you know what I mean.'

In actuality he'd found Jim getting better acquainted with a pitcher of wodka-sake; a particularly noxious cocktail of Sulu and Chekov's devising which consisted of 40% Vodka, 40% Sake, 20% whatever fruit juice happened to be available at the time and in Spock's personal opinion 100% poison.

'Do you think it wise to be drinking that,' he'd asked.

Jim looked at him blearily. ' 'm not drunk,' he mumbled. 'Jus' a lil tipsy. 'sides, Bone's has a hangover cure that works effing miracles. I'll be as bright as a button tomorrow, wait an see.'

Spock raised his eyebrow.

'Fine,' said Jim. 'Won't have any more. Look. I'm putting it away.'

'What possessed you to drink it in the first place?' Spock asked.

'Just felt like it. What are you doing here? Uhura let you out to play?'

'The baby is having trouble settling. She thought it wise that I were fully rested in preperation for tomorrow's meeting. It was -'

'Logical,' Jim finished for him. 'So you wanna sleep on my floor or something?'

'Nyota stipulated your room would be unoccupied.'

Jim looked at him remarkably sharply for someone that inebriated. 'What's she been saying?'

'Merely, that she expected you would have found the company of some of the local populace more enticing than anything the Enterprise might have to offer.'

'Right,' said Jim sceptically. 'She didn't have anything to say about with who?'

'Hookers?'

Jim looked offended. 'I have never paid for sex in my life, Spock. You should know that by now.'

'If you want to talk about something, I would be grateful if you would just say so, Jim.'

Jim stuck his tongue out at him. 'Dunno why you think I wanna talk about something. Can't a man enjoy a drink of 80% proof without someone thinking he's drowning his sorrows.'

'You'd be drinking with the doctor if you weren't. I'm tired, Jim.'

Jim looked as if he was about to argue some more but then he gave up and sighed. 'Gaila.'

'Excuse me?'

'She was Uhura's room-mate at the academy. I hooked up with her a couple times when we were cadets.'

'That was years ago -'

'I might have hooked with her a few times afterwards.'

'Fascinating. She wouldn't happen to be "The Green Skinned Space Babe", would she?'

Jim huffed. 'OK, that song was like a - a - what's the word? You say that something is something else but it isn't?'

'Eloquent as always,' said Spock. 'And yet you have a way of getting your point accross. Do you mean a metaphor?'

'Exactly!' Jim tried to snap his fingers but couldn't quite manage it. He stared at them puzzled. 'Can usually do this. I've lost my clicky snap!'

Spock grabbed Jim's hand to stop him trying. 'It will come back in the morning. You were saying something about metaphors and similes?'

'Yeah so, it was like a metaphor. It wasn't about a girl, but you know, how it could be about a girl.'

'And where did the green skinned part come in? Was that a metaphor too?'

Jim shrugged. ' 'Snot the point,' he said stubbornly. 'Point is Gaila's on Orion right now. Wants to hook up...' He trailed off.

'But ?' Spock prompted. He was beginning to feel decidedly impatient. He wondered if beating it out of Jim would work.

'But, okay. How many times can you hook up with a girl before you're not just people who hook up but people who have hooked up?'

'Jim, I have no idea what you're talking about.'

'Well, how many times did you and Uhura do the nasty before you made it official?'

This was illogical. Was Jim actually asking him for advice about women?

'Nyota and my relationship began with mutual respect. We did not simply fling each other across the instructor's desk. There was a serious -'

'Yeah, I know. It was up against the instructor's wall.'

'What?'

'She told Sulu who told Chekov who told Scotty who told me. An' I might have told a few people. You can't stop the chain, bro.'

Spock seethed. Had he known how much Starfleet officers gossiped he would have just joined the Vulcan Science Academy.

'So how many-'

'Four.'

'See we must have done it at least -' he paused and counted on his fingers. 'A lot more than that. You know, she's kinda sweet on me. If I said I wanted to make it exclusive, she'd probably say yes.'

'Exclusive? You? Jim, are you feeling alright?'

'Oh Shaddup. I could be exclusive, if I wanted to.'

'Do you want to?'

'I dunno, man. It's just all this baby stuff has got me thinking.'

Baby? 'Are you referring to my son?'

'No, the other fifteen babies on this Starship. I was just thinking maybe it's time to settle down.'

Spock wasn't entirely sure how to respond to this.

'I mean,' Jim continued. 'What if I never have children? There won't be anyone to carry on the family name.'

'Your elder brother has three children.'

'You know what I mean.'

'It is illogical for you to do any sort of settling merely because you are afraid that you will never attain something that social norms dictate that you should.'

'But I -'

'If that song is a metaphor for what you think love should be like then why should you settle for anything less?'

Jim shrugged. 'I dunno. Guess I'm just having some sort of existential doubt or something.'

'Where did you learn those words?'

'Shut up, smart ass.' He shook his head. 'Look this is getting dumb. Here, have a drink with me. We'll drink to the kid's health.'

Spock looked at the glass Jim held out to him dubiously. 'You know alcohol does not affect me the way it does humans.'

'Then it doesn't matter. C'mon. To baby Spock. May he have a smaller stick up his ass than his daddy.'

Spock sighed and took the glass. He clinked it with Jim's and took a sip as Jim finished off half of his with a swallow. .

'Ugh!'

Jim smirked. 'I thought you said it didn't affect you.'

'That doesn't mean this doesn't taste like something expired in it.'

'True that. It gets better as you go along though. And you know, it's probably a good thing if I never have kids. I'd probably be a terrible father.'

Spock said nothing and drank some more. It did get better as you went along but he still thought it would be better used for stripping paint.

''sjust I never had a Dad. Sometimes I wonder - naah forget it.'

They drank in a companiable silence for a while. Spock was never quiet sure later if it was because he was tired, or if the drink had affected him or if he was just moved by Jim's uncharacteristic melancholy but something prompted him to ask-

'Do you want to be Jarock's Alternative Guardian?'

'His what?'

'I was planning to ask later but - it is a Vulcan custom. After a child is born a Alternative Guardian is named. If anything were to befall the parents the Guardian assumes responsibility for the child's upbringing.'

'You mean you want me to be the Godfather?'

'Neither Nyota or I, have any such religious beliefs. However if ever something were to happen to incapacitate us, we would like you to assume guardianship,' Spock clarified.

This was not entirely true. Spock had broached the subject of asking Jim but Nyota had not definitely said yes. She had muttered something about, 'damn epic bromance' but Spock preferred to think that it had just been the tiredness talking.

Jim was staring at him. 'Are you feeling sorry for me?'

'No. Well, yes. But that is not relevant. It influenced the timing of my inquiry but the decision had been made previously. However if you are unwilling, I am sure Lt Sulu or Chekov would - oof'

Jim cut him off by suddenly flinging his arms violently around Spock's chest.

Spock patted his back awkwardly. 'I assume this means you will be accepting,' he ventured.

Jim held on tighter. Spock waited for him to let go. He didn't.

'Um... I shall prepare the paperwork in the morning.'

Jim sniffed.

'Are you crying?'

'No.' said Jim thickly and then started to sob.

As luck would have it, Captain Pike chose that moment to walk in.

'Alright Jim, I know you're depressed but this has gone on long enough. I am not - oh.' Pike blinked. 'I - I'll just give the two of you some privacy then,' he stammered. Then he fled.

'Jim? Jim, I can't breath!'

Jim did let go eventually. And Spock did manage to get some sleep, even if he did wake up to find that Jim had managed to drool all down his shirt.

After the Orion delegation Jim came to find him.

'So I talked to Gaila.'

'And?'

'Well I said I wasn't sure it'd be fair on her for us to keep doing this cos I wasn't sure I wanted to keep messing her around.'

'Oh?'

'Yeah, and she says it's the nicest thing I've ever said to her and next thing I know she's on her knees!'

'On her.. oh!'

'Yeah, I think I’ve discovered the pick-up line that never fails!'

It was good to see things were back to normal. Although Spock wasn't sure that Nyota would ever forgive him for the rumours that he had broken up with Jim the night before. Oh well, it served her right for telling people about that incident in the academy instruction room.