the downfall
im feeling pretty sick right now. i think it has to do with a combination of things, one of which is not eating very much. im pretty nervous and on edge. this week hasnt been overly good, and in all reality its been really freakin crappy. so many things not neccisarily gone wrong, just not going good, and from one thing to the next it seems like all the problems from the different sections of my life are all cycling around and making everything else worse. something puts me in a bad mood, that bad mood makes something completely different worse. that now worse thing makes me depressed which affects how i act towards this and so on and so on.
basically its coming down to a theme or two, which is being out of something. im losing a lot, and the number is increasing by the day. some things i maybe able to get back but its gonna be a hastle, other things i maybe able to get back but only by losing something else, and yet somethings i maybe able to get back if i sacrifice myself, in ways.
im really tired, not just physically and mentally, but i guess just as a whole. this whole week/month/year has been a drag, a ball and chain i cant seem to loosen. at times i wish i could give up. i wish i could quit my job and move out and on, somewhere different and start a new life, but i cant. im pretty much bound to everything because this, my life, is what i know, and its where im comfortable, no matter how tiring it is.
and who am i kidding. id never find a job i like as much as i like mine now. id never find a place that id like more than the place i live now. and i suppose id never find a person that id love as much as the person i love now. its all so complex.
i wish i could rework my emotions and my beliefs. i would i could tweak certain aspects of my memory. i wish these things because no matter how hard i try to get past things or believe differently, i still know deep down inside that there are somethings i cant pass by or cant believe.
and with that too, i know there are somethings i cant live without. there are things i need. the problem is when things i believe conflict with the things i need. i wish i could fix it so it was okay, but i cant. maybe months ago, but something changed. as much as i didnt want it to, and as much as i put it aside, the world did change. it changed majorly. optimism stoped working. skeptisim moved in. i almost went from a feeling that the universe surrounded me to a knowing that the world is full of people who want to hurt me. neither of these are true, but neither before nor now could i or will i be able to convience myself otherwise. i use to be happy with almost everything, and now im happy with hardly anything. i use to feel comfortable everywhere, now im not comfortable anywhere. i use to trust everyone, and now i cant even trust myself. the world changed, and i lost a lot of faith in people.
even now i know events are close to action, and once they pass, this whole thing will be irreversable. i have a feeling they are going to happen no matter what i do. together i was worried, apart i fear what i know. i know its going to happen.
i dont really know which is better. right now, feeling sick, feeling miserable, being depressed and continuing to cycle downward, or as it was, feeling afraid, knowing that those close to me would hurt me. knowing that no matter how many times a truth is denied or a promise is made, it will continued to be denied and broken. to be harshest to the ones that care about you the most. i lived with these feelings inside. they start coming out, and its when they come out that it destroys things. no i cant stop feeling this way. no i cant stop objecting to these things.
so the question i ask you, and ask myself:
is it worth it?
is all this worth it. its been such a long time, its been such a run. is it time to fold? over this? just know that i cant change how i feel or who i trust....
or who i love
basically its coming down to a theme or two, which is being out of something. im losing a lot, and the number is increasing by the day. some things i maybe able to get back but its gonna be a hastle, other things i maybe able to get back but only by losing something else, and yet somethings i maybe able to get back if i sacrifice myself, in ways.
im really tired, not just physically and mentally, but i guess just as a whole. this whole week/month/year has been a drag, a ball and chain i cant seem to loosen. at times i wish i could give up. i wish i could quit my job and move out and on, somewhere different and start a new life, but i cant. im pretty much bound to everything because this, my life, is what i know, and its where im comfortable, no matter how tiring it is.
and who am i kidding. id never find a job i like as much as i like mine now. id never find a place that id like more than the place i live now. and i suppose id never find a person that id love as much as the person i love now. its all so complex.
i wish i could rework my emotions and my beliefs. i would i could tweak certain aspects of my memory. i wish these things because no matter how hard i try to get past things or believe differently, i still know deep down inside that there are somethings i cant pass by or cant believe.
and with that too, i know there are somethings i cant live without. there are things i need. the problem is when things i believe conflict with the things i need. i wish i could fix it so it was okay, but i cant. maybe months ago, but something changed. as much as i didnt want it to, and as much as i put it aside, the world did change. it changed majorly. optimism stoped working. skeptisim moved in. i almost went from a feeling that the universe surrounded me to a knowing that the world is full of people who want to hurt me. neither of these are true, but neither before nor now could i or will i be able to convience myself otherwise. i use to be happy with almost everything, and now im happy with hardly anything. i use to feel comfortable everywhere, now im not comfortable anywhere. i use to trust everyone, and now i cant even trust myself. the world changed, and i lost a lot of faith in people.
even now i know events are close to action, and once they pass, this whole thing will be irreversable. i have a feeling they are going to happen no matter what i do. together i was worried, apart i fear what i know. i know its going to happen.
i dont really know which is better. right now, feeling sick, feeling miserable, being depressed and continuing to cycle downward, or as it was, feeling afraid, knowing that those close to me would hurt me. knowing that no matter how many times a truth is denied or a promise is made, it will continued to be denied and broken. to be harshest to the ones that care about you the most. i lived with these feelings inside. they start coming out, and its when they come out that it destroys things. no i cant stop feeling this way. no i cant stop objecting to these things.
so the question i ask you, and ask myself:
is it worth it?
is all this worth it. its been such a long time, its been such a run. is it time to fold? over this? just know that i cant change how i feel or who i trust....
or who i love