really?
why is it whenever i'm feeling down i feel the need to write in this. ah well.
so here's the dilly...
let's start off with the good news. after months of being laid off (yeah it's only two, but it feels like 50), $400, and three weeks of reading about insurance, i am officially a licensed agent. go me. i will be starting my new job on thursday. thank god, because the balcony upstairs was looking like a pretty good place for me to swing from.
onto the not so good, which will be much longer so brace yourselves. i had my birthday this week. it was alright. i went out to kohls purchased a bunch of work clothes with my newly acquired gift cards from my mom and grandmother. then headed to the conway. had din din and went home. it was seriously the most depressing day i've had in a very long time. i miss people. it's been so hard for me to be in this state without anyone. granted i do have bry, but he's out of town all this week (not to work, mind you, he went on vacation with mr. j edgar hoover), and he's been in spokane for months prior to this. anyway, so i was alone all day. i know i'm 27 and i should be a big girl and throw my big girl panties on, but i'm sorry. i'm fucking lonely.
these past few months i've been the loneliest so far. i spend most of time on the couch (no wonder i've gained a shit ton of weight), because i'm broke. now i do have a few people out here who i can call and spend time with, but small talk can only get you so far. everyone out here is so different. they don't understand sarcasm or silliness. they think you're fun, but that is as far as it goes. nothing more than that. no true friendships, just a bunch of acquaintances.
i feel so out of place. although, thinking about it i don't think i've ever really felt that i've belonged anywhere. it's strange really. back east i was surrounded by people who cared about me, but all i ever wanted was to get out of there and now that i have i want so desperately to go back. but why? i didn't fit in there either.
i'm so lost...yes, again. how do i break this cycle?
also, i'm getting married 5 months from today. i'm scared shitless. i think everyone has the feelings of doubt: am i good enough? will he love me years from now? will we have kids? can i stay sane for any amount of time to enjoy my marriage??? getting past the doubts there still is that thing about planning the wedding! i have to send out save the date cards ASAP, get a block of hotel rooms booked, pay for the cake, the flowers, the DJ, the photographer, the JP, get my soon to be mother-in-law to give me a definite answer on who to invite....GAH!!! i need some serious help here.
i'm so overwhelmed by these feelings of sadness, loneliness and anxiety. i've always thought of myself as independent. that facade lasted a great number of years. i've finally stopped lying to myself. i need people who love me. i need to feel wanted, appreciated, needed. that is how i justify my existence. bry does such a good job at providing this comfort for me, but he can't be everything that makes me happy. he's just not around for it to be enough. that sounds so horrible to say, but it's the truth. i've never really been a passionate or motivated person. whether that's a deep rooted issue of self-loathing or just laziness, i don't know. but that's been a huge issue for me lately. maybe if i had something i believed in i wouldn't feel so horrible. i dunno.
i'm sick of being in this perpetual funk. i truly can't do this anymore, but what the fuck else am i supposed to do? this roller coaster ride is the only ride i've ever been on. what path do i take to get me from here to a slower easier ride like the merry-go-round?
my mind is reeling as it always does when i think about this shit. there's so many things i i want to say, i just wish i had an ear to blurt them too right now. ah well.
i think it's time to go to bed. i don't want to be awake anymore. i'm such a debbie downer sometimes.
xoxo
so here's the dilly...
let's start off with the good news. after months of being laid off (yeah it's only two, but it feels like 50), $400, and three weeks of reading about insurance, i am officially a licensed agent. go me. i will be starting my new job on thursday. thank god, because the balcony upstairs was looking like a pretty good place for me to swing from.
onto the not so good, which will be much longer so brace yourselves. i had my birthday this week. it was alright. i went out to kohls purchased a bunch of work clothes with my newly acquired gift cards from my mom and grandmother. then headed to the conway. had din din and went home. it was seriously the most depressing day i've had in a very long time. i miss people. it's been so hard for me to be in this state without anyone. granted i do have bry, but he's out of town all this week (not to work, mind you, he went on vacation with mr. j edgar hoover), and he's been in spokane for months prior to this. anyway, so i was alone all day. i know i'm 27 and i should be a big girl and throw my big girl panties on, but i'm sorry. i'm fucking lonely.
these past few months i've been the loneliest so far. i spend most of time on the couch (no wonder i've gained a shit ton of weight), because i'm broke. now i do have a few people out here who i can call and spend time with, but small talk can only get you so far. everyone out here is so different. they don't understand sarcasm or silliness. they think you're fun, but that is as far as it goes. nothing more than that. no true friendships, just a bunch of acquaintances.
i feel so out of place. although, thinking about it i don't think i've ever really felt that i've belonged anywhere. it's strange really. back east i was surrounded by people who cared about me, but all i ever wanted was to get out of there and now that i have i want so desperately to go back. but why? i didn't fit in there either.
i'm so lost...yes, again. how do i break this cycle?
also, i'm getting married 5 months from today. i'm scared shitless. i think everyone has the feelings of doubt: am i good enough? will he love me years from now? will we have kids? can i stay sane for any amount of time to enjoy my marriage??? getting past the doubts there still is that thing about planning the wedding! i have to send out save the date cards ASAP, get a block of hotel rooms booked, pay for the cake, the flowers, the DJ, the photographer, the JP, get my soon to be mother-in-law to give me a definite answer on who to invite....GAH!!! i need some serious help here.
i'm so overwhelmed by these feelings of sadness, loneliness and anxiety. i've always thought of myself as independent. that facade lasted a great number of years. i've finally stopped lying to myself. i need people who love me. i need to feel wanted, appreciated, needed. that is how i justify my existence. bry does such a good job at providing this comfort for me, but he can't be everything that makes me happy. he's just not around for it to be enough. that sounds so horrible to say, but it's the truth. i've never really been a passionate or motivated person. whether that's a deep rooted issue of self-loathing or just laziness, i don't know. but that's been a huge issue for me lately. maybe if i had something i believed in i wouldn't feel so horrible. i dunno.
i'm sick of being in this perpetual funk. i truly can't do this anymore, but what the fuck else am i supposed to do? this roller coaster ride is the only ride i've ever been on. what path do i take to get me from here to a slower easier ride like the merry-go-round?
my mind is reeling as it always does when i think about this shit. there's so many things i i want to say, i just wish i had an ear to blurt them too right now. ah well.
i think it's time to go to bed. i don't want to be awake anymore. i'm such a debbie downer sometimes.
xoxo