word-vomit warning:
reasons things totally fucking blow:
#1-my parents are divorcing. i feel mostly anger and hurt over this one. because they are so inept at communication and being vulnerable, that they can't fix what many others could in their position. i feel angry because my mom is calling the shots, and i worry for my dad. i worry for both of them. for her, financially, for him, because he's already too much of a recluse. i worry that my mom is going to show up here and having had the house signed over to her, demand to live here instead. i'm pissed that i had to pull teeth to make them go out to fucking black angus for thanksgiving. i'm pissed that she's making this harder by refusing put on holidays, insisting that now that my sister and i are grown up, it's their turn to come to OUR holidays. i'm pissed that i'm putting on christmas this year. i'm hurt because i feel like i have no emotional support for this whole fucking thing. i can't talk to them, because i like to keep this business "out of sight, out of mind" as much as possible. and they inevitably bring it up one way or another. they're not wearing their wedding rings anymore. i can't really talk to anyone else, in detail anyway, because A: they've raised me to keep my feelings to myself, thank you very much, and B: i hate being pitied. but maybe that's better than nothing. i hate how this hurts so infinitely, and yet because she's so damn stubborn, if i want some semblance of a family, i have to keep us together. i don't think i can keep it up, it's way too much work.
#2-glorious unemployment. i quit my crappy job to do my internship at la jolla playhouse, and thought i'd just pick up a job afterwards. but i didn't apply anywhere, and now it's been...2 months? and it physically makes me sick to look for jobs online, because nothing interests me. and i hate watching my savings deplete before my very eyes. so i have to do something soon, and quickly. but when you get to a certain level of depression you don't want to do anything, you defeat yourself before you begin. ta-da. i know exactly why i do the things i do, and why i feel the way i feel, but i don't know what the fuck to do about it.
#3-everybody and their fucking boyfriends. i'm tired of being alone. period. however, being a depressed recluse doesn't have a very vibrant social scene. i know this. and yet, here i sit.
i feel like if one of these 3 things fell into place, maybe i could survive.
#1-my parents are divorcing. i feel mostly anger and hurt over this one. because they are so inept at communication and being vulnerable, that they can't fix what many others could in their position. i feel angry because my mom is calling the shots, and i worry for my dad. i worry for both of them. for her, financially, for him, because he's already too much of a recluse. i worry that my mom is going to show up here and having had the house signed over to her, demand to live here instead. i'm pissed that i had to pull teeth to make them go out to fucking black angus for thanksgiving. i'm pissed that she's making this harder by refusing put on holidays, insisting that now that my sister and i are grown up, it's their turn to come to OUR holidays. i'm pissed that i'm putting on christmas this year. i'm hurt because i feel like i have no emotional support for this whole fucking thing. i can't talk to them, because i like to keep this business "out of sight, out of mind" as much as possible. and they inevitably bring it up one way or another. they're not wearing their wedding rings anymore. i can't really talk to anyone else, in detail anyway, because A: they've raised me to keep my feelings to myself, thank you very much, and B: i hate being pitied. but maybe that's better than nothing. i hate how this hurts so infinitely, and yet because she's so damn stubborn, if i want some semblance of a family, i have to keep us together. i don't think i can keep it up, it's way too much work.
#2-glorious unemployment. i quit my crappy job to do my internship at la jolla playhouse, and thought i'd just pick up a job afterwards. but i didn't apply anywhere, and now it's been...2 months? and it physically makes me sick to look for jobs online, because nothing interests me. and i hate watching my savings deplete before my very eyes. so i have to do something soon, and quickly. but when you get to a certain level of depression you don't want to do anything, you defeat yourself before you begin. ta-da. i know exactly why i do the things i do, and why i feel the way i feel, but i don't know what the fuck to do about it.
#3-everybody and their fucking boyfriends. i'm tired of being alone. period. however, being a depressed recluse doesn't have a very vibrant social scene. i know this. and yet, here i sit.
i feel like if one of these 3 things fell into place, maybe i could survive.