(no subject)
What will this day bring? I suppose we are all beings of constant revelation, but some ones of weight have dawned on me recently. So its all part of the human experience, eh? So no one really ever changes, you say? Well, there's been a reason for all the things I have done. I have been living with this feeling locked within my chest and in the corner of my mouth, unseen by the world. Before when my soul was screaming I cried out to all, and now I do not really want to name it, to reveal it, to share it. Maybe I'm a miser, maybe selfishness is the default. You all will never know what you'll be missing in me. I am not all that vain or righteous, but I have to say that the fault does not lie with me. That's my truth, because any other mode of thought would just lead me down the familiar trail of self-loathing. Its not enough for me to just exist, I deserve better than that. And so I may be hunting the impossible prey of that elusive something, at least I'm living. So I repeat my mistakes, sometimes you have to experience things more than once just to see which part was truly the mistake. You won't be hearing me say that its been me, because if nothing else, I know I tried to make it work. To make it alright. For myself. For all of you. I won't say that I failed, I'm still here aren't I? Well? The choices I have made had always led to something better in the end. And so I am sensitive, so I feel and disregard the mask. Who can look me in the eye and tell me that I'm wrong? I dare you to step up, my friend, because hiding from yourself and the world is one of life's only sins. And so I'm laughing like a madman in the face of the storm, if its going to hit then let it take me. I don't want to be under the table when it does and have the roof come down upon me. I would rather watch the lightning hit and feel the thunder in my bones. I'll take all the risks, all the beatings, all the heartaches, and all the time in the world. Its worth it, I'm worth it, and I do believe that God's will and mine are in accord. I can't say I have felt quite this way before, though the notion was with me throughout. So what if it is misery, depression, loss, and loneliness that often attends?!? At least I can feel it! I love my scars, I love physical pain, and I love the struggle. It means something and it isn't facetious like so many things in life! And you know something else? I am one beautiful woman! Oh, I said it. We are all built and trained to hate ourselves, but why? So what if you'll never see me in a spread in Vogue with Paris Hilton? I am not a monk. I should not have to fast for weeks at a time to get a man! And more importantly, I won't. So what if I wear combat boots with capri pants? Its comfortable! Sure, my appearance leaves some to be desired, but this is who I am. And I will never look better in my life than I will in the next few years of my life. I refuse tanning beds! I refuse cosmetic surgery! I refuse hairspray and nail polish! I look in the mirror and I am proud. I have been for quite a while. Its only when I go in public and see these bony fake wonders of girls catching the appraising eye that I feel ugly and that is bullshit! Frankly, I wouldn't care if every soul on the face of the planet labeled me as ugly, I wouldn't feel it. Why not love myself? Wanting to be someone else isn't going to get me a damn thing but more negativity! I have a hell of a lot of maturing to do yet. There are many character flaws that beg correction. But all things considered, I am still an amazing human being and anyone who thinks differently can go fuck a duck. Oh, I said it. This is better than any drug in the known universe. Love me, hate me, envy me, resent me, aspire to be me. I don't fucking care!
Oh, this is such a sweet insanity.
Oh, this is such a sweet insanity.