Chapter ??? in the chronicles of Jesse and I.
She was late, but earlier than the amended time. Her car moved slowly in the rain, to the beat of music which stirred too many memories. She kept driving in lazy circles, every pair of eyes on the sidewalks looking to her car in anticipation and she read disappointment immediately after in their gaze. She wished they would stop looking. She wished she was not there.
The c.d. had cycled through for the fourth time when she finally saw him. Barely believing, it took her a long moment to press the brakes. He was dressed in green and it made her smile.
She scarce looked at him once he reached the car and as she drove him, she was thinking of someone else and of a different time. She listened to his nervous banter, laughing at the appropriate times.
At the restaurant, they talked as her mind wandered more. She still could not look him in the eyes, she did not want to think of the last time she had spent time with him, the time he had broken her trust and chipped away a piece of her heart. Yet, it seemed natural, like the pain and the past did not matter. They were together, hating and loving in the same breath. She looked at his reflection in the glass and needed him. . .away. They had been friends for so many years, but had they really ever played a single game? No, their games only started six months ago, a far too adult game of temptation and remorse. She looked through his reflection and saw only dimly lit streets.
They made plans, stretched their time together further into the night. They rose to leave, she went to refill her cup and he stood behind her, chest brushing her back and she smiled. She had nothing left to lose, she thought of moving closer, maybe even turning around and embracing him. Instead she leaned forward and away, unnerved by his breath on the nape of her neck. She was thinking of someone else and that she should not try anymore, any attempt to love him would only leave her aching more. He laughed, knowing full well she was not paying attention. Only selser water was flowing from the tap, her drink was ruined. She felt him move. She thought he may have been about to put his arm around her and lead her away from the fountain; but, he did not. His mouth was so very close to her skin as he chided her and again she moved away, abandoning the drink.
They were driving again. She was listening again. Her pack of cigarettes was within reach, but she did not care. She did not smoke around him, it worried him. It pushed him away. She did not really even want one, she never wanted much when he was near. She bought him movies, played it off as a birthday present. She glanced at him and felt that he knew the truth. She was only trying to make him care a little more, have some reason to think of her after she left.
She drove him home, she had heard the song eight times now since she left her own apartment. She thought of someone else as she listened to him, laughing to make him feel more at ease. The road became her enemy, the seatbelt she wore to soothe him was all too constricting.
Finally, she parked and walked him home, his green jacket around her shoulders. It made her feel like crying. She joked with him, holding her fake smile as he tried to get the attention of a group of girls. His hands touched her shoulders and moved her to the other side for no apparent reason, contact always made her feel safe and she no longer trusted the feeling. He banished the feeling with a cruel word and she hated herself as she felt her mood plummet. She did not want any part of herself to depend on him.
In his room she obeyed, sat with him and watched one of the movies she had bought less than an hour before. They sat on separate chairs and he was rocking back and forth as he always had done. She was wondering how things would be at that moment if he had never won the game. If they were still together. If she had been enough.
The movie was slow, she antagonized him to keep her mind silent. His hand closed around hers and they both pretended it meant something more for a second before she broke away. She did not want old feelings to surface, she did not want to have to combat another nightmare of unreturned emotion.
The ending credits had barely started when she stood, ready to leave. He walked her out, though she did not want him to. The green encompassed her again and the regret returned. They did not say much, if anything at all. At her car she handed him the green jacket, happiness returning as she felt another piece of her slip away. The door separated them and he offered the hug in a way that was a request she could not deny. She had been avoiding this. She made it brief, neutral, uncaring. She did not lean against him, she did not inhale his scent, she did not rest her head on his shoulder. She was proud of herself. She climbed in the car, started it. He accepted it and walked away, the song played for the ninth time. She lit a cigarette and drove away from him, one of the remaining pieces of her happiness. The growing distance felt like a razor blade on her heart and she smiled. It was the way things had to be for her, it was the way they always would be. She was thinking of someone else, the one who had meant even more than the one she was driving away from.
No tears stained her cheek. She knew she was moving toward something worse than death of the body, she was driving toward the death of her heart, of her soul. It was not his fault, the same as blame did not rest on any of the other's that she loved. She had created this life, whether it be reminiscent of heaven or hell. She would keep acting out the motions and trying to hold on even as she shut herself off. It was not what she wanted, but it was all that was left to do.
The song played for the tenth time; under tainted breath, she sang along.
The c.d. had cycled through for the fourth time when she finally saw him. Barely believing, it took her a long moment to press the brakes. He was dressed in green and it made her smile.
She scarce looked at him once he reached the car and as she drove him, she was thinking of someone else and of a different time. She listened to his nervous banter, laughing at the appropriate times.
At the restaurant, they talked as her mind wandered more. She still could not look him in the eyes, she did not want to think of the last time she had spent time with him, the time he had broken her trust and chipped away a piece of her heart. Yet, it seemed natural, like the pain and the past did not matter. They were together, hating and loving in the same breath. She looked at his reflection in the glass and needed him. . .away. They had been friends for so many years, but had they really ever played a single game? No, their games only started six months ago, a far too adult game of temptation and remorse. She looked through his reflection and saw only dimly lit streets.
They made plans, stretched their time together further into the night. They rose to leave, she went to refill her cup and he stood behind her, chest brushing her back and she smiled. She had nothing left to lose, she thought of moving closer, maybe even turning around and embracing him. Instead she leaned forward and away, unnerved by his breath on the nape of her neck. She was thinking of someone else and that she should not try anymore, any attempt to love him would only leave her aching more. He laughed, knowing full well she was not paying attention. Only selser water was flowing from the tap, her drink was ruined. She felt him move. She thought he may have been about to put his arm around her and lead her away from the fountain; but, he did not. His mouth was so very close to her skin as he chided her and again she moved away, abandoning the drink.
They were driving again. She was listening again. Her pack of cigarettes was within reach, but she did not care. She did not smoke around him, it worried him. It pushed him away. She did not really even want one, she never wanted much when he was near. She bought him movies, played it off as a birthday present. She glanced at him and felt that he knew the truth. She was only trying to make him care a little more, have some reason to think of her after she left.
She drove him home, she had heard the song eight times now since she left her own apartment. She thought of someone else as she listened to him, laughing to make him feel more at ease. The road became her enemy, the seatbelt she wore to soothe him was all too constricting.
Finally, she parked and walked him home, his green jacket around her shoulders. It made her feel like crying. She joked with him, holding her fake smile as he tried to get the attention of a group of girls. His hands touched her shoulders and moved her to the other side for no apparent reason, contact always made her feel safe and she no longer trusted the feeling. He banished the feeling with a cruel word and she hated herself as she felt her mood plummet. She did not want any part of herself to depend on him.
In his room she obeyed, sat with him and watched one of the movies she had bought less than an hour before. They sat on separate chairs and he was rocking back and forth as he always had done. She was wondering how things would be at that moment if he had never won the game. If they were still together. If she had been enough.
The movie was slow, she antagonized him to keep her mind silent. His hand closed around hers and they both pretended it meant something more for a second before she broke away. She did not want old feelings to surface, she did not want to have to combat another nightmare of unreturned emotion.
The ending credits had barely started when she stood, ready to leave. He walked her out, though she did not want him to. The green encompassed her again and the regret returned. They did not say much, if anything at all. At her car she handed him the green jacket, happiness returning as she felt another piece of her slip away. The door separated them and he offered the hug in a way that was a request she could not deny. She had been avoiding this. She made it brief, neutral, uncaring. She did not lean against him, she did not inhale his scent, she did not rest her head on his shoulder. She was proud of herself. She climbed in the car, started it. He accepted it and walked away, the song played for the ninth time. She lit a cigarette and drove away from him, one of the remaining pieces of her happiness. The growing distance felt like a razor blade on her heart and she smiled. It was the way things had to be for her, it was the way they always would be. She was thinking of someone else, the one who had meant even more than the one she was driving away from.
No tears stained her cheek. She knew she was moving toward something worse than death of the body, she was driving toward the death of her heart, of her soul. It was not his fault, the same as blame did not rest on any of the other's that she loved. She had created this life, whether it be reminiscent of heaven or hell. She would keep acting out the motions and trying to hold on even as she shut herself off. It was not what she wanted, but it was all that was left to do.
The song played for the tenth time; under tainted breath, she sang along.