(no subject)
So my new meds plus the old ones I'm still supposed to take make me feel very high. I don't like it, not one little bit. It's a scary feeling, where I'm ot aware of what's going on around me, like I've got a five minute delay or something. Plus, the Paxil always made me dizzy, which is a side effect that has only worsened. I laid on a futon yesterday, with my head on Jon's lap, making him sit still, because it was the only way I could stop feeling "floaty." It was weird to have someone take care of me, who I've had to take care of so many times. But it was nice-ish.
I hate this so much. I want to be "normal" which is ridiculous. I don't mean normal, I mean happy without popping pills. I cried to my mom that I don't want anymore medications, and she said "too bad, you have to take them." I don't want to anymore. I know that I'm an adult and can make that decision for myself, but the alternative is scarier than the high.
Friday night, I don't remember past a certain point. Apparently I am luckier that way. But I don't think so...it's scary as hell. I want to not scare myself.
My boy here wasn't returning my call(s). Then my friends forced the "truth" out of him. Apparently he does, in fact, REALLY like me. However, he does not currently feel the need to be in a relationship. BUT, if he did, it would be with me. I am pissy that he wouldn't tell me that. I am glad that he likes me back. I am scared because I don't know where that leaves us. I would kind of (very much so) like to be in a safe, committed relationship again. If he were to tell me that he wanted to be with me, that would be enough. I would stop making bad decisions in the department of boys, because I would only care about one. And I wouldn't make decisions based on the un-fact that he doesn't like me back.
I can't seem to focus much on things, which is dangerously confusing when writing them out. For that, I apologize.
I'm going back to school for 4th block. I hope that I don't end up back in this position. I might not go back after Christmas. I may take a semester off. I may go to MCC for a semester or two. I don't know. And that is scary.
Oh...somewhere during Friday night, I bent the gigantic rabbit cage. I feel very bad about that. I think I gave the poor bunny a complex. I promised to pay for bunny-therapy, if it needs it.
I have enough money to get my passport and pay to expedite it so it's here on time. Thanks to my grandparents giving me money instead of gifts. I am excited. One week in Paris is going to be fantastic.
Another one of my amazing guy friends is moving to Ankeny, but not til next year. This same guy has been very worried about me, and keeps wanting to hang out, because he wants to make sure I'm feeling better. I think his girlfriend is pissed off that we've spent so much time together lately. I don't particularly care, but I also don't like that I feel a little bit bad. We watched a movie, we went to breakfast, we went to Wal-Mart...we almost walked the 5K, but I had to go home.... I have so much fun with him.
That made me want to remind everyone that I love you all!
I hate this so much. I want to be "normal" which is ridiculous. I don't mean normal, I mean happy without popping pills. I cried to my mom that I don't want anymore medications, and she said "too bad, you have to take them." I don't want to anymore. I know that I'm an adult and can make that decision for myself, but the alternative is scarier than the high.
Friday night, I don't remember past a certain point. Apparently I am luckier that way. But I don't think so...it's scary as hell. I want to not scare myself.
My boy here wasn't returning my call(s). Then my friends forced the "truth" out of him. Apparently he does, in fact, REALLY like me. However, he does not currently feel the need to be in a relationship. BUT, if he did, it would be with me. I am pissy that he wouldn't tell me that. I am glad that he likes me back. I am scared because I don't know where that leaves us. I would kind of (very much so) like to be in a safe, committed relationship again. If he were to tell me that he wanted to be with me, that would be enough. I would stop making bad decisions in the department of boys, because I would only care about one. And I wouldn't make decisions based on the un-fact that he doesn't like me back.
I can't seem to focus much on things, which is dangerously confusing when writing them out. For that, I apologize.
I'm going back to school for 4th block. I hope that I don't end up back in this position. I might not go back after Christmas. I may take a semester off. I may go to MCC for a semester or two. I don't know. And that is scary.
Oh...somewhere during Friday night, I bent the gigantic rabbit cage. I feel very bad about that. I think I gave the poor bunny a complex. I promised to pay for bunny-therapy, if it needs it.
I have enough money to get my passport and pay to expedite it so it's here on time. Thanks to my grandparents giving me money instead of gifts. I am excited. One week in Paris is going to be fantastic.
Another one of my amazing guy friends is moving to Ankeny, but not til next year. This same guy has been very worried about me, and keeps wanting to hang out, because he wants to make sure I'm feeling better. I think his girlfriend is pissed off that we've spent so much time together lately. I don't particularly care, but I also don't like that I feel a little bit bad. We watched a movie, we went to breakfast, we went to Wal-Mart...we almost walked the 5K, but I had to go home.... I have so much fun with him.
That made me want to remind everyone that I love you all!