WTF, failed condom jokes. For the faaaaiiiil.
Okay guys, this is the shittiest of shitty things I have ever done.
I would like all those new to this journal to realize that I am not actually this half-assed of a writer. In fact, in most cases I prefer commenting on your awesome fics and not subjecting you to my own inferior creations, even when I have put a decent amount of effort into them.
However, my roommate is loweryourwand, and she and I are avoiding studying for finals, and she is the queen of the crack manips. So when she asks me to take arcane physics concepts (nonslip conditions, wtf) and turn them into Merlin crack!fic, I oblige.
What Merlin fans didn't know about The Great Spider Rescue Mission was that Bradley had not called Colin over with a "Colin, come and see this."
What really happened was that Colin was minding his own business trying to finish his homework somewhere where he wouldn't be harangued by makeup, costuming, or Bradley--who brought whole new worlds of meaning to the word harangue--when he heard a muffled shout and a very audible THUMP from the other side of one of his awfully thin hotel walls.
Bradley was making an ass out of himself again, and Colin was not about to miss it.
So what really happened was that Colin knocked politely on Bradley's door, in every respect looking as if he was concerned for his co-star's safety and well-being, and was promptly rewarded with more muffled swearing and Bradley opening his door in a strategically-placed hotel bath towel (so very stingy on the amenities, hotels, thought Colin, bless their hearts).
Only after this did Bradley, rubbing his head in a distracted and pained manner, say "Colin, come and see this."
...
The story was going to have to be shared with the cast. They'd gotten most of it on video for the diaries because gigantic fucking spiders were fun for the whole family, but this one aspect, perhaps, Colin would keep for himself.
Bradley stared at him balefully from where he'd seated himself on his bed, absently rubbing at the side of his head again, and said, "I was startled."
"I just can't believe a spider startled you so much you slipped and fell in your haste to exit the shower."
"Bathrooms are slippery places, Colin." Bradley said his name like it was a point in and of itself, making his stomach flip just the tiniest bit. He chuckled again just to laugh away the feeling. "They are, by their very natures, filled with slippery things like water and soap!"
"Perhaps we should get you one of those rubber mats, outfit your bathroom for nonslip conditions. We can't have you hitting your head again, can we? You need all the brain cells you have."
Bradley's splutter of indignation was a reward all its own. "I cannot believe they say you are the nice one!"
Colin's eyes thinned and his smirk turned predatory. "Oh, you think I'm pretty nice, too. Don't you, Bradley?"
Bradley rolled his eyes, but he got up and stalked forward. "Sure I do."
...
"You know, you never did get that shower, did you?"
"How astute, Colin."
"I'm just saying. Perhaps you need some supervision? Or someone to help estimate how much rubber we'll need. For the mats. Nonslip conditions, remember."
Two smiles--one slightly mocking, both wicked.
"Oh, I'll show you nonslip conditions..."
...
They didn't share this aspect of the Great Spider Rescue Mission either.
I would like all those new to this journal to realize that I am not actually this half-assed of a writer. In fact, in most cases I prefer commenting on your awesome fics and not subjecting you to my own inferior creations, even when I have put a decent amount of effort into them.
However, my roommate is loweryourwand, and she and I are avoiding studying for finals, and she is the queen of the crack manips. So when she asks me to take arcane physics concepts (nonslip conditions, wtf) and turn them into Merlin crack!fic, I oblige.
What Merlin fans didn't know about The Great Spider Rescue Mission was that Bradley had not called Colin over with a "Colin, come and see this."
What really happened was that Colin was minding his own business trying to finish his homework somewhere where he wouldn't be harangued by makeup, costuming, or Bradley--who brought whole new worlds of meaning to the word harangue--when he heard a muffled shout and a very audible THUMP from the other side of one of his awfully thin hotel walls.
Bradley was making an ass out of himself again, and Colin was not about to miss it.
So what really happened was that Colin knocked politely on Bradley's door, in every respect looking as if he was concerned for his co-star's safety and well-being, and was promptly rewarded with more muffled swearing and Bradley opening his door in a strategically-placed hotel bath towel (so very stingy on the amenities, hotels, thought Colin, bless their hearts).
Only after this did Bradley, rubbing his head in a distracted and pained manner, say "Colin, come and see this."
...
The story was going to have to be shared with the cast. They'd gotten most of it on video for the diaries because gigantic fucking spiders were fun for the whole family, but this one aspect, perhaps, Colin would keep for himself.
Bradley stared at him balefully from where he'd seated himself on his bed, absently rubbing at the side of his head again, and said, "I was startled."
"I just can't believe a spider startled you so much you slipped and fell in your haste to exit the shower."
"Bathrooms are slippery places, Colin." Bradley said his name like it was a point in and of itself, making his stomach flip just the tiniest bit. He chuckled again just to laugh away the feeling. "They are, by their very natures, filled with slippery things like water and soap!"
"Perhaps we should get you one of those rubber mats, outfit your bathroom for nonslip conditions. We can't have you hitting your head again, can we? You need all the brain cells you have."
Bradley's splutter of indignation was a reward all its own. "I cannot believe they say you are the nice one!"
Colin's eyes thinned and his smirk turned predatory. "Oh, you think I'm pretty nice, too. Don't you, Bradley?"
Bradley rolled his eyes, but he got up and stalked forward. "Sure I do."
...
"You know, you never did get that shower, did you?"
"How astute, Colin."
"I'm just saying. Perhaps you need some supervision? Or someone to help estimate how much rubber we'll need. For the mats. Nonslip conditions, remember."
Two smiles--one slightly mocking, both wicked.
"Oh, I'll show you nonslip conditions..."
...
They didn't share this aspect of the Great Spider Rescue Mission either.