I'm Sorry, But I Have To Do This . . .
"Your nose is running, your stomach cramps, your legs feel like they've played six straight games on top of each other. And the voice is always there, in the back of your head, "just one more time, then we'll stop." And you wanna stop. You really do, but it's like a dream. You can't stop dreams. They move in crazy pieces, anyway they want to and suddenly they're capable of anything."
"It was a dream, not a nightmare. A beautiful dream I could never imagined in a thousand nods. I saw this girl next to me, she wasn't beautiful until she smiled. And I felt that smile come at me in heat waves following. Soaking through my body and out my finger tips in shafts of color. And I knew somewhere in the world, somewhere, that there was love for me."
"It's been hard, the writing, lately. Terrible numbness then suddenly it comes in beautiful fragments or terrible dreams like nods, so high."
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... And if a series of three quotes from one movie said by a single character could say it all, that would be the second entry I've made during this lifetime where I've written almost nothing but sayings that have never left my mouth.
There it was: two weeks where I could give a shit about anything this world had to throw my way. The attitude was simple. "Have fun, or fuck off." Being happy. Being myself. Being alive for the first time in __ years. And now it's gone.
I'm losing. I'm losing this battle. Sadness and anxiety recently returned to the pit of my stomach, acting like the kryptonite to my Superman. I can't take it, and no one in my world can relate to it. There's no one to talk to about it, because no one understands. Not a single soul in my life can help me. It makes me sick. Sick to the point where I've done nothing but sleep lately because that is the only sensible way in my eyes to medicate and deal with it all. Yes, by not dealing with it at all.
What lies outside this room is hell on earth through my perspective. Yes, approximately 6 billion people... And I feel like I hate them all. Do I really hate them? No. I just hate myself because with everything that I can do that may seem difficult to the average person, I cannot enjoy what should come easily and simply to every human being that exists on this planet. And what is that? The ability to exist on this planet. And it is absolutely, positively PATHETIC.
I'm telling you right now, I want to be strong for the people I care about... I want to be a cool person to be around... I honestly love some of you to death. But it's just really hard for me to act happy when I'm not happy, and if you notice that I'm acting strange, remember that this is not who I am. This is not who I want to be. And believe me... That kills me inside. It makes my heart feel like it's being hit with the atomic bomb... And what's even worse than that is that I don't know if there's any hope for me under these circumstances. If you care at all about me... Pray to God this is not the case.
"It was a dream, not a nightmare. A beautiful dream I could never imagined in a thousand nods. I saw this girl next to me, she wasn't beautiful until she smiled. And I felt that smile come at me in heat waves following. Soaking through my body and out my finger tips in shafts of color. And I knew somewhere in the world, somewhere, that there was love for me."
"It's been hard, the writing, lately. Terrible numbness then suddenly it comes in beautiful fragments or terrible dreams like nods, so high."
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... And if a series of three quotes from one movie said by a single character could say it all, that would be the second entry I've made during this lifetime where I've written almost nothing but sayings that have never left my mouth.
There it was: two weeks where I could give a shit about anything this world had to throw my way. The attitude was simple. "Have fun, or fuck off." Being happy. Being myself. Being alive for the first time in __ years. And now it's gone.
I'm losing. I'm losing this battle. Sadness and anxiety recently returned to the pit of my stomach, acting like the kryptonite to my Superman. I can't take it, and no one in my world can relate to it. There's no one to talk to about it, because no one understands. Not a single soul in my life can help me. It makes me sick. Sick to the point where I've done nothing but sleep lately because that is the only sensible way in my eyes to medicate and deal with it all. Yes, by not dealing with it at all.
What lies outside this room is hell on earth through my perspective. Yes, approximately 6 billion people... And I feel like I hate them all. Do I really hate them? No. I just hate myself because with everything that I can do that may seem difficult to the average person, I cannot enjoy what should come easily and simply to every human being that exists on this planet. And what is that? The ability to exist on this planet. And it is absolutely, positively PATHETIC.
I'm telling you right now, I want to be strong for the people I care about... I want to be a cool person to be around... I honestly love some of you to death. But it's just really hard for me to act happy when I'm not happy, and if you notice that I'm acting strange, remember that this is not who I am. This is not who I want to be. And believe me... That kills me inside. It makes my heart feel like it's being hit with the atomic bomb... And what's even worse than that is that I don't know if there's any hope for me under these circumstances. If you care at all about me... Pray to God this is not the case.