(no subject)
I think that moving here was a good decision. I stayed at my mom's place the last three nights, mike has been out of town with his mother, so I went home. It was really weird, and got incrementally stranger as each of the three nights came to pass. I don't really know why, but for a long time, I have been clamming up around my friends and family.
Spending time alone is a foreign concept to me, but lately it's seemed more and more appealing. When I got back down to Seattle this morning I felt relieved to be away from the house and knowing that I don't have to back if I don't want is equally comforting. I feel like when I'm with my loved ones that I am forced into a box, that it's wholly predictable that I will end up in a funk and crawl into a shell. I feel like it's become my role there, with them. I don't want to be the star of the 'Dan is a wreck and doesn't know what to do about it show' anymore. I think that getting out of the environment where that version of my self thrives in can only help to correct that character flaw and make it into something useful.
On the other hand, it pains me to stay away from those people, because like I said, they are my loved ones; my family. I want nothing more than to sit and talk and laugh and play music and every other wonderful thing that families that love each other are supposed to do, that they still do do. I just don't feel like I'm a part of it anymore. I hope that someday, when I've worked through the enigmatic issues that are keeping me from the important people in my life, I'll be able to go back there feeling the way I used to about life, myself and the world around me.
For now I know that distance feels good, distance soothes the anxiety.
I'm sorry that in three months I will be gone and that I can't spend the rest of my time in Seattle with them, I miss them already. The hell of it is that I missed them last night when I was in there company.
Spending time alone is a foreign concept to me, but lately it's seemed more and more appealing. When I got back down to Seattle this morning I felt relieved to be away from the house and knowing that I don't have to back if I don't want is equally comforting. I feel like when I'm with my loved ones that I am forced into a box, that it's wholly predictable that I will end up in a funk and crawl into a shell. I feel like it's become my role there, with them. I don't want to be the star of the 'Dan is a wreck and doesn't know what to do about it show' anymore. I think that getting out of the environment where that version of my self thrives in can only help to correct that character flaw and make it into something useful.
On the other hand, it pains me to stay away from those people, because like I said, they are my loved ones; my family. I want nothing more than to sit and talk and laugh and play music and every other wonderful thing that families that love each other are supposed to do, that they still do do. I just don't feel like I'm a part of it anymore. I hope that someday, when I've worked through the enigmatic issues that are keeping me from the important people in my life, I'll be able to go back there feeling the way I used to about life, myself and the world around me.
For now I know that distance feels good, distance soothes the anxiety.
I'm sorry that in three months I will be gone and that I can't spend the rest of my time in Seattle with them, I miss them already. The hell of it is that I missed them last night when I was in there company.