isnt it blake spurgins birthday...random that i just thought of that.
so here its what six in the morning.
yeah.
no need for sleep right now.
i just realized i am not really truthfully experiencing life to its fullest...in my own mind...in my own life..because im swarmed with all my problems.
i list them all the time in my head.
list all the things that are wrong with it and why its not as good as it use to be.
i get really sad a lot when i think about families and their vacations.
or even sunday mornings...or just anything family related like going out to dinner or taking a trip to the beach or anything.
i just really miss having a family.
i cant help it.
im like really depressed and ive been living on since all this happened but im not really living. i just keep on desensitizing myself and i keep on making myself unhappy more and more the more i dont do what i really want to do...which is pursue being what i want to be....which i cant do because i have all these problems swarming around meee!!!
im tired of dreaming.
i dream so much and i cant dream right now.
the world isnt letting me.
i got a check from my mom today so thats a plus.
i'm going to finally open up a bank account.
maybe invest in some yoga classes.
ive been job hunting but not hard enough. i honestly love this vacation time....where i can just live like i use to when i was living with my mom and dad....have time to think about being creative and discovering myself.
i dont have time to discover myself when im working.
i dont discover in routine....i dont know what i want right now. i just know i want to be stimulated mentally...creatively..
when i lay down...thoughts come...and all of a sudden i just start realizing how amazing everything is...as if i never knew its value before. like humans traveling through space. space is amazing!
i feel young...and then i feel really old and worn out about life.
im really worried about myself.
maybe i should get a counselor.
yeah.
no need for sleep right now.
i just realized i am not really truthfully experiencing life to its fullest...in my own mind...in my own life..because im swarmed with all my problems.
i list them all the time in my head.
list all the things that are wrong with it and why its not as good as it use to be.
i get really sad a lot when i think about families and their vacations.
or even sunday mornings...or just anything family related like going out to dinner or taking a trip to the beach or anything.
i just really miss having a family.
i cant help it.
im like really depressed and ive been living on since all this happened but im not really living. i just keep on desensitizing myself and i keep on making myself unhappy more and more the more i dont do what i really want to do...which is pursue being what i want to be....which i cant do because i have all these problems swarming around meee!!!
im tired of dreaming.
i dream so much and i cant dream right now.
the world isnt letting me.
i got a check from my mom today so thats a plus.
i'm going to finally open up a bank account.
maybe invest in some yoga classes.
ive been job hunting but not hard enough. i honestly love this vacation time....where i can just live like i use to when i was living with my mom and dad....have time to think about being creative and discovering myself.
i dont have time to discover myself when im working.
i dont discover in routine....i dont know what i want right now. i just know i want to be stimulated mentally...creatively..
when i lay down...thoughts come...and all of a sudden i just start realizing how amazing everything is...as if i never knew its value before. like humans traveling through space. space is amazing!
i feel young...and then i feel really old and worn out about life.
im really worried about myself.
maybe i should get a counselor.