[Personal diary entry - October 12, IS 478] Pretend....
Diary,
Snowe seems...alright that I'm 'seeing' Hervey, though he also seems determined to 'win me back' from him.
There's nothing he needs to win, I still love him. Just that he needs to grow and mature more. I'm still going to be here anyway........ ...since I don't think Hervey wants things to progress between us.
...Why tell someone, in a roundabout way, that you care a lot for their person and don't want to see them hurt? Why keep on being with them and showing them love--nearly everyday--yet pretend it's nothing more than faked emotions? I love him, hot-headed, skirt-chasing, idiotic and cheerful as he is. I know he feels more than he shows, more than he consciously acknowledges. But for all that knowledge... I can't get my message through. It's to the point where I don't know what I want to draw anymore, where I don't know how to convey what I mean, where I don't know if I should convey it anymore. I wasted a complete sheet just drawing contours of faces without actually putting a visage to it. I don't do that except when I don't know how I should handle things anymore.
I love him... He makes me happy just being with me. ...but it's such a bitter sort of happiness lately since, to him, we're probably still just playing pretend for the sake of fooling Luca. These moments are real to me. I may play and tease back in response to his own flirting, but they mean something to me.
...Am I really reduced to just taking whatever crumbs of happiness I can from a hopeless situation? Am I really the only one of us to who all this matters??
..............if that's true, then...................
Snowe seems...alright that I'm 'seeing' Hervey, though he also seems determined to 'win me back' from him.
There's nothing he needs to win, I still love him. Just that he needs to grow and mature more. I'm still going to be here anyway........ ...since I don't think Hervey wants things to progress between us.
...Why tell someone, in a roundabout way, that you care a lot for their person and don't want to see them hurt? Why keep on being with them and showing them love--nearly everyday--yet pretend it's nothing more than faked emotions? I love him, hot-headed, skirt-chasing, idiotic and cheerful as he is. I know he feels more than he shows, more than he consciously acknowledges. But for all that knowledge... I can't get my message through. It's to the point where I don't know what I want to draw anymore, where I don't know how to convey what I mean, where I don't know if I should convey it anymore. I wasted a complete sheet just drawing contours of faces without actually putting a visage to it. I don't do that except when I don't know how I should handle things anymore.
I love him... He makes me happy just being with me. ...but it's such a bitter sort of happiness lately since, to him, we're probably still just playing pretend for the sake of fooling Luca. These moments are real to me. I may play and tease back in response to his own flirting, but they mean something to me.
...Am I really reduced to just taking whatever crumbs of happiness I can from a hopeless situation? Am I really the only one of us to who all this matters??
..............if that's true, then...................