[Personal diary entry - October 12, IS 478] Pretend....

Oct 12, 2005 03:42

Diary,

Snowe seems...alright that I'm 'seeing' Hervey, though he also seems determined to 'win me back' from him.

There's nothing he needs to win, I still love him. Just that he needs to grow and mature more. I'm still going to be here anyway........ ...since I don't think Hervey wants things to progress between us.

...Why tell someone, in a roundabout way, that you care a lot for their person and don't want to see them hurt? Why keep on being with them and showing them love--nearly everyday--yet pretend it's nothing more than faked emotions? I love him, hot-headed, skirt-chasing, idiotic and cheerful as he is. I know he feels more than he shows, more than he consciously acknowledges. But for all that knowledge... I can't get my message through. It's to the point where I don't know what I want to draw anymore, where I don't know how to convey what I mean, where I don't know if I should convey it anymore. I wasted a complete sheet just drawing contours of faces without actually putting a visage to it. I don't do that except when I don't know how I should handle things anymore.

I love him... He makes me happy just being with me. ...but it's such a bitter sort of happiness lately since, to him, we're probably still just playing pretend for the sake of fooling Luca. These moments are real to me. I may play and tease back in response to his own flirting, but they mean something to me.

...Am I really reduced to just taking whatever crumbs of happiness I can from a hopeless situation? Am I really the only one of us to who all this matters??

..............if that's true, then...................

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