Dear Ashley:
First and foremost, I am fairly sure you'll never read this. I have so much I wish I could do for you, so much I wish I could say, but I am lacking. I lack the tools to win your heart, the voice to speak up and let you know exactly how I feel. Its been plaguing me for so long now, ever since before you left for Arizona, and yet I allow myself to suffer in silence. All is fair in love and war, they say, but is it really? I know you've told me that I have a shot still, even after all this time, but if you had to see the competition through my eyes you would hesitate and falter as well. I want to tell you all I'm feeling, but I don't want to put my heart out there to be hurt again... whether it was intentional before, or even now, I do not know.
You know what I've been through, but only to some extent, and I'd be lying if I said you were never a source of emotional distress or someone who kept me holding onto seemingly false hopes. Hell, you're even one of the few people who can get even my darkest side to submit, and that is no easy task. Yet you do not even know the half of how much it hurts me, kills me inside, to reach for you and be constantly shot down, evaded and sometimes flat ignored. From my side of the fence, it is as if you have been keeping me here at your side, knowing full and well how to pull on my leash, feeding me table scraps of affection, then promptly throwing another dog the good bones. how is a pet to feel, when one that wants them to be there for her doesn't seem to show interest in reciprocating the feeling? Mayhaps I'm just a bad pet, and as such can never be assimilated to the same rank as another, nor am I able to be seen as boyfriend material. So why not tell me then, if that is the case, so I may at least be at peace with my shortcomings and begin to make at least some attempt at finding a place to belong and someone to love.
Of course, the way I've put these concerns seems as if I'm attacking you, but I assure you I am not. As I said before, normally I lack the voice to say these things, so instead I've opted to put them in writing, even if you don't read it, because at least then I'm not carrying the burden of all this on my heart all the time. I'm sure I've read some things the wrong way, but how else am I to interpret situations when you give me no insight. Sometimes, it feels you've been telling me things are one way so I don't bother you about it, and then go off and do the opposite of what you claimed was going on.
You know what I've been through, but only to some extent, and I'd be lying if I said you were never a source of emotional distress or someone who kept me holding onto seemingly false hopes. Hell, you're even one of the few people who can get even my darkest side to submit, and that is no easy task. Yet you do not even know the half of how much it hurts me, kills me inside, to reach for you and be constantly shot down, evaded and sometimes flat ignored. From my side of the fence, it is as if you have been keeping me here at your side, knowing full and well how to pull on my leash, feeding me table scraps of affection, then promptly throwing another dog the good bones. how is a pet to feel, when one that wants them to be there for her doesn't seem to show interest in reciprocating the feeling? Mayhaps I'm just a bad pet, and as such can never be assimilated to the same rank as another, nor am I able to be seen as boyfriend material. So why not tell me then, if that is the case, so I may at least be at peace with my shortcomings and begin to make at least some attempt at finding a place to belong and someone to love.
Of course, the way I've put these concerns seems as if I'm attacking you, but I assure you I am not. As I said before, normally I lack the voice to say these things, so instead I've opted to put them in writing, even if you don't read it, because at least then I'm not carrying the burden of all this on my heart all the time. I'm sure I've read some things the wrong way, but how else am I to interpret situations when you give me no insight. Sometimes, it feels you've been telling me things are one way so I don't bother you about it, and then go off and do the opposite of what you claimed was going on.