(no subject)
I really gotta stop reading Due south fics for a while. Just for a while. A month or two, because it's not like they are going to go away. Really. It just... it kinda hurts a bit too much to read about Ray wanting Stella so bad and knowing they would be together forever and then Stella kinda kicking him out and the doubt and... and it just doesn't do it for me, or touches too close to home or whatever the fuck, because the people that write Ryan that good, that amazingly good, are really starting to break me into little pieces because that's me, in a sense. I thought this was forever and maybe it's not and I don't know just how to deal with that, not all at one. I'm doing anger and a bit of denial and is working for me, has to keep on working for me for as long as it takes me to get home and cry in my bed and then get out with Flavia and get AMAZINGLY drunk and maybe hook up with a guy so Jose isn't my first kiss, my only real kiss, my first everything. I need to wash him away, with a guy or with a girl, with something that might be a bad choice or a lousy choice but something else so I don't feel like I should be touched by him and only him, so I don't feel like I am his and I don't know how to be someone else's.
She gets it, Flavia, and she's angry herself because this is happening so far away from home and a place where I can totally go out and meet new people and laugh and be happy, because here, right now, all that makes me happy are stories, even if they are breaking my heart a little bit, and stories and books and a brand new friend is not enough. I need my home and my family and I need movies so I can pretend I'm fine for two whole hours and I need a drink, a good stiff drink and cigarrettes and my work and my best friends so I can hug them and tell them how everything I thought my life was going to be is not going to be and how Ale will not be a flower girl and how I'm single for the first time in eight and something odd years and how I really really don't want to be but only half of it is my decision and I should really choose to be, because I deserve better even if I wish I didn't.
I'm not reading more Due South, because it's too close to home and too close just isn't working for me right now. I need to read something else, something that won't sound like it's me writing it because I don't know how to write something else.
Even bitter!Ryan doesn't sound like me, so, I might try and finish writing that. I wanna finish that, because I feel I might not be able to write for a while now, for a long while, not until I'm back on my feet again, back whole, or at least, where that J shaped hole isn't so black and horrible and angry and sad. It might take a while.
She gets it, Flavia, and she's angry herself because this is happening so far away from home and a place where I can totally go out and meet new people and laugh and be happy, because here, right now, all that makes me happy are stories, even if they are breaking my heart a little bit, and stories and books and a brand new friend is not enough. I need my home and my family and I need movies so I can pretend I'm fine for two whole hours and I need a drink, a good stiff drink and cigarrettes and my work and my best friends so I can hug them and tell them how everything I thought my life was going to be is not going to be and how Ale will not be a flower girl and how I'm single for the first time in eight and something odd years and how I really really don't want to be but only half of it is my decision and I should really choose to be, because I deserve better even if I wish I didn't.
I'm not reading more Due South, because it's too close to home and too close just isn't working for me right now. I need to read something else, something that won't sound like it's me writing it because I don't know how to write something else.
Even bitter!Ryan doesn't sound like me, so, I might try and finish writing that. I wanna finish that, because I feel I might not be able to write for a while now, for a long while, not until I'm back on my feet again, back whole, or at least, where that J shaped hole isn't so black and horrible and angry and sad. It might take a while.